Dear Hannah,
My Hannah Banana, Hannah Banana Meatball...
As your seventh birthday fast approaches, I have been doing alot of reflection on our past seven years together. I cant believe that seven years have flown by so very quickly. When I first found out I was pregnant for you I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure how to be a mother and care for this little being that would rely completely on me. Of course I always wanted children, but when I first found out there was a baby inside my belly, I was terrified. I knew from the moment I was pregnant that you would be a girl. I just knew. I couldn't help but think that my Memere had something to do with sending you to me. She passed just before I became pregnant with you. Almost as if she was sending me this lifeline that she knew I needed. I was real sick at the beginning of my pregnancy with you. Constantly vomiting. I don't know how I made it through work some days but Papa was always there to take care of me and rub my back. My asthma really kicked up and I was put on prednisone for the remainder of the pregnancy with you. When it came time for ultrasound day and Daddy and I found out you were most definitely a girl, we looked at each other in the car and new for certain that your name would be Hannah. From that moment on, I referred to you as my Hannah growing inside my belly. We called everyone we knew and told them the news. It was at this point in my pregnancy that being terrified began to dissipate and I began to get really excited about how our lives were going to be graced with this little baby girl. I use to imagine you riding in your car seat in my backseat while we sang songs together. Dancing with me in your pj's and being able to hold you and rock you to sleep. Little did I know then that there would be so many more moments of joy with you!
Your entrance into this life was early. Five weeks to be exact and it was almost six weeks early. You are always one to march to the beat of a different drummer. You came quickly and very easily. I prayed for you to cry and your cry was the first sound I heard when you came into this world. Being able to take you home on time was nothing short of a miracle. You were so little though, I was afraid you would break. You came home at 4lbs 12 ounces. You fit in the palm of my hand. None of your clothes fit you, not even the preemie ones. Yet, here you were this miracle from above, living, breathing and doing wonderful. You were jaundice at first and I use to place you by the sliding glass door in the sunlight. You loved it. You still are my sunshine baby. I was thrilled to have my baby girl in my arms. Soon enough, we began to settle into this new life with you. My Hannah Rose. (Rose after Grandma Murphy)
No sooner did Daddy and I think we had it all figured out, you became very sick. It was about 3 weeks after you were born when you turned very fussy. The pink spots on your scalp began to appear. The doctor told me they were nothing and not to worry about them. Yet as the days went on, you grew more and more fussy and inconsolable. The pink spots became red spots and they grew to double their size and began to raise off your head. I knew you were sick Hannah. I just knew it. But the doctors kept telling me you were fine. I have so much guilt associated with this time in your life because my whole being knew you were in pain but no one would listen. I'm so sorry Hannah. Mommy's so sorry for not protecting you more. I wish I had fought harder and believed in my Mommy instinct. I was a first time mother and everyone made me feel as though I were crazy. I knew I wasn't. I didn't know how to make the doctors listen to me. They wouldn't listen. Your Pediatrician told me that all babies cry and that I should get use to it. All the while you were in so much pain. Then came the day when these Hemangiomas began to bleed. This was by far the scariest moment of your life. There was so much blood I called the ambulance. Nothing would stop it. I was hysterical, you were hysterical. Daddy made it home from work before the ambulance. We were so scared. Yet the doctors still didn't know how to react to you and this "condition" that they said you would grow out of. They told us to just apply pressure and that these hemangiomas would go away. Daddy and I were so mad. We waited one time in the ER for 7 hours to get a surgeon to talk to us. In the end, he came down and knew nothing. We went home disgusted. Time and time again, these Hemangiomas would ulcerate and bleed. There would be so much blood that it would fill bath towels. You would scream every time this happened. You and I slept at half hour intervals. Sitting up in a chair. Sometimes I would get you asleep in your swing with a rolled up blanket wedged by your side to keep you from bumping the Hemangiomas. It was hard to do anything but stare at you worried about when the next bleed would be. Then I noticed you were having trouble turning your head. I began to do alot of research on the Internet because the doctors wouldn't listen to me. I searched and searched and one night I realized that I wasn't crazy. There were other babies suffering like you with similar conditions. I made the phone call the next day and switched pediatricians.
This is when we finally got you help. I was right Hannah. You were so sick. You needed a blood transfusion right away. You were admitted to Hasbro within hours of meeting Dr. Sowa for the first time. She and Dr. Pedvis saved your life. You had these tumors all over your brain. There was so much pressure built up in your little tiny head. When I think about the pain you were in it makes me sick. The doctors in Boston told us that you were a week or two the most away from losing your life. If we hadn't found you help when we did Hannah, you wouldn't be here. A thought I wont even let myself imagine. They said you were in so much pain, especially when the tumors would ulcerate and bleed. The sheer pressure of the brain fluid built up and unable to leave your brain was also painful. Your brain stem had a huge tumor on it as well. You also had a blood clot on your brain. But you were a survivor. My tiny little survivor. You began to heal. I sat by your bedside in Boston every day. Everyone came to see you. Nonnie, Papa, Grammy, Grampy, Auntie Ju Ju, Moppy, Uncle Ra Ra and MiMi, Auntie Lee Lee and Uncle Dan, Auntie Jill and Uncle Dave, Momma and Pa, Auntie Charleen and Stephen, Auntie Paula and Uncle Barry, Uncle Pete and Tammi and I am sure a few more that I cant remember now. Daddy had a real tough time with your sickness. He was so upset and stressed that he often would escape and take walks through Boston. He never really knew how to handle your sickness and I think he was so scared that he would just give us space. He loved you though. So very much. He was just so scared to lose you. Everyone loved you so much that they drove up to Boston to visit with you and give you love. Every day I sat by your bedside and watched you get better. I learned how to administer your injections and give you all of your meds. Soon enough, my little tiny peanut grew and grew. The steroids made you very swollen and very chubby. Yet, you were the most adorable chubby baby I have ever laid my eyes on. The steroids also made you very, very cranky. You didn't sleep much and for most of the first year of your life I would sit in a rocking chair and just rock you. Daddy and I would take turns pushing you around the house in an umbrella stroller. We use to do laps and count them and try and beat each other. I hated giving you the shots and seeing you bruise right away. But I knew it was what would make you better and better you did get. My fighter. By the grace of God there was no brain damage and our repeat MRI's told us you were on your way to a full recovery. At a year old, I administered your last injection and gave you a last dose of prednisone. By far the best Birthday present ever.
The rest is history baby girl. You grew and grew and grew and stayed healthy with the exception of your constant ear infections. You were full of spunk and you always kept everyone laughing. You were a spitfire. Defiant to the core. You still marched to the beat of a different drummer and you always wanted to do things your way. You loved to dance. Still do. Daddy and I took you everywhere and did everything with you. You walked at almost 14 months and there was no trying behind it. You just decided one day you were going to walk and you did it. Walked right across the room with Ant Denise watching. I'll never forget it. You were stubborn. You were so strong. You were determined. When I use to try and discipline you, you would put yourself in the corner before I could because you weren't going to do it because I asked you to. You were going to do it because you wanted to. You are still so much the same way. You loved when I would read you books when you were little. You still do. Your favorite was, "Guess How Much I Love You". I even got you pajamas one Valentine's Day that matched the book. You loved them. We never thought that loving each other to the moon was enough. So we began our own saying of,"To the moon and the stars and back."
You have so much of your Daddy in you. I see it every day. Your strength, your fierce attitude and your bold way of rebelling. It's your way or the highway and you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. It will help you get through this life. Yet, there is some of Mommy in you too. Your love for dance. You are so good at it. I can't believe the difference in your strength and ability. Your grace and poise in just a year's time. Your my water baby too. Just like your Mama. You love the beach and pools and anywhere you can swim with your fins. Unfortunately you got my sensitivity too. Things bother you easily and your feelings are also hurt often. Mommy is the same way honey. Sometimes it can be a tough trait to have. One day however, you will find the strength and courage to not let things get to you so much. We are all different people and there is no harm trying to see the good in people. Sure there will be disappointments along the way, but there will also be many, many good friends you will find by trusting and believing in people. You will always have Mommy and Daddy by your side to help you through.
I cant believe how quickly these years have flown by. Here it is almost summer and you are learning to ride your bike without the training wheels! I remember watching you ride a bike for the first time and I swear it was just yesterday. You have grown and matured so much. You are doing so great in school and Mommy and Daddy are so proud of all of your accomplishments this year. Learning how to read and your artistic abilities too. You are a jack of all trades and anything you get involved in, you thrive at. There are so many things that you excel at that I have a feeling you are going to have me driving all over this State! You want to try everything and anything.
You are such a huge help to me with your brother and sister. Cameron loves playing with you and is constantly searching for you so he can flash you a smile. You are Layla's idol. She wants to be just like you. I love seeing how much closer you have become now that she is a little bit older and can interact with you more. You have always been so kind to her. Always ready to give up a toy because she wants it and she wants it now. You always look out for her, especially with her food allergies. You take care of her so well that sometimes it literally blows my mind. You are so kindhearted with her and the rest of the family too. You love making presents and drawing pictures and watching our faces light up when we receive them. Whenever I ask for your help, you are always right there willing to get whatever it is that I need. You are really enjoying your new chore chart too which is also a big help to Mommy.
Hannah I truly could go on forever about you and how very much I love you. As your birthday approaches and you turn SEVEN, I hope you know how much you have changed my life and made me a better person. About how you taught me the true meaning of this life and how to appreciate every single second because the clock ticks away time so quickly and things can change in an instant. I love you my sunshine girl. My Hannah Banana. My meatball! I love you so very much Han. To the moon and the stars and back baby girl.
So Amazing
Luther Vandross
Love has truly, been good to me
Not even one sad day or minute since you've come my way
I hope you know, I'd gladly go anywhere you take me
It's so amazing to be loved
I'd follow you to the moon and sky above
Got to tell you, I'm happy as I can be, how you thrill me
I'm happy as can be
You have come and changed my whole world
Bye Bye sadness, hello mellow
What a wonderful day
It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above
And it's so amazing, amazing, I could stay forever, forever
Here in love and no, leave you never
Cause we've got amazing love
Truly it's amazing, amazing
Love brought us together and I will leave you never
I guess we've got amazing love
It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above
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