I should be better at this by now shouldn't I? One whole, entire, painfully lonely year. Without you, Mom. My emotions are all over the board. One second I can't breath because I miss you so much and the next I am elated you didn't have to live any longer trapped inside your mind and body. Then the next second my chest hurts because the pain of missing you is so real. Physically real. The tears haven't stopped since Saturday.. but the difference in this passage of a whole year's time is that the memories that keep popping in my head daily now, are usually ones of you well. I'm relieved for that. You're well and smiling and happy.. doing all your happy little things in all your happy little places. Smiling.. smirking.. happy.. peaceful.. It had been so long since I could remember you this way.. barefoot.. puttering in your gardens, chomping on a fresh green bean.. on the beach deck smiling.. swimming in the ocean laughing.. teasing one of us kids in the kitchen.. chasing after us with the wooden spoon.. but forefront in all these memories is your smile.. laugh.. teeth.. lips.. smiling... silly eyes. .. smiling... I'm so very grateful but my heart is still broken and life will never, ever be the same.
