Mind Over Matter

I took the weekend to calm my brain and get reacquainted with a schedule.  A schedule that includes the words, "no".  I have to say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been reminding myself daily that I am not perfect.  That I don't have to "do it all" and that I CAN let things go.  What is it in me that makes me crazy if a bed isn't made or the laundry isn't done?  It helped to have a somewhat calm week to muttle around in.  I just keep reminding myself that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.. blue skies in, gray skies out.  I have been spending time with the kids this week.  Not sort of spending time.. like the half ass time that I usually try and spend with them while I fold laundry, work or make dinner.  Time like, getting in the sand box with them and letting them help make dinner.  Stepping away from my desk at work to turn a cardboard box into a house.. complete with doors and windows.  It has helped. 

Most days I feel like being a mommy is the best medicine a girl could have.  Yes, my kids run me ragged and can raise my stress level to an unchartable amount but these children can also give me an enormous amount of love and affection.  To see their little minds work and hear how they talk, how they learn, how they love.. is quite possibly for me, the biggest reward, heart filler, I will ever get.  I sat down at Layla's preschool this week to have a Mother's Day breakfast with her.  She couldn't do enough for me and got the biggest kick out of waiting on me.  I think we gave each other a million hugs and kisses that morning and I left that school with my heart full. 

I've also been trying to have a little more patience with Cameron.  Oh.. he is tough..  lol.. but I have been taking a step back and watching his little mind work and appreciating it.  Appreciating the fact that he is a wild man because one day that little wild man is going to do great things with all his bountiful of energy!

Hannah has had a great week and has only bared her grizzly attitude a few times.  She has been a lot of help this week and takes such good care of Layla and Cam.  She'll step right in and help out with them whenever they need tending too.  She also shocked me by giving me a kiss this morning before she left the car to walk into the play yard.  I have been asking her for two weeks and today, she did it without me asking.  All the other times she would roll her eyes and say "no" while she quickly exited the car... but today.. KISS!  I hope someday when she reads this she'll realize just how much that one kiss meant to her mommy!

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of the girls in their younger years.  I dont know if it is the fact that the birthdays are just around the corner.. but Hannah especially.. I have these pictures of them that I had taken stuck in my head.  One when Hannah was 2 or 3 and we went to Gallilee.  She was prancing on the beach in her gray Block Island sweatshirt... with a pink bow practically taped to her scalp with no hair.  Layla, when she fell asleep sitting in the high chair with Pastena all over her face.  And then I get scared when I really try to remember what they were like at certain ages and it gets harder and harder for me to recall.  I'm trying to remember when it was just Hannah.. what were bath times like?  I do remember that was the time I would take with her to teach her new things.  Like her letters, her name, songs, etc.. You Are My Sunshine.. lol   But what were our conversations?  Did she tell me she loved me all the time?   It's even harder to remember the times when it was just me and the girls.  I remember the beginnings of it.. but that's really all.  sigh... is it the exhaustion?   I feel like I could nod off at any point throughout the day.  I really don't get a good night's sleep.. maybe that's why I function in Zombie mode most days?  I can't imagine how comatose I would be if it weren't for caffeine.. my SwingJuice.  etc..

My Layla baby (yes she is 5 and I will always call her my baby-lol)  has also been having some more GI issues.  I didnt think it was much before and kind of just let it go, however, the issues have been more and more frequent and I am starting to think that her Eosinophilic Esophagitis is having a flare up.  She had been doing so well that I almost forgot she was diagnosed with it a few years back.  She started gaining weight, came off the million dollar formula and started growing.  Billy and I started connecting the dots and counting the times she has had issues and have written down what she ate prior.  Something is up.  Be it the seasonal allergies (which are horrific this year and I am ready to scratch my eyeballs out despite taking meds) or the fact that there may be a new food allergy present....  We head up to Boston Childrens in 2 weeks to figure it all out.  I am dreading the endoscopy.. dreading it.  But we will do what we have to in order to get my girl feeling her best! 


Alright.. Im off to go enjoy my time... xo

TGIF - Insert Katy Perry's song here....

We're alive!  It's Friday!  THANK GOD it's FRIDAY!  I don't think I have ever been so excited for a weekend to start.  Not because we have anything fun planned but because this week is OVER!  Goodbye!  Good riddance!  Did I survive the girl's first day of school?  Yes.  Was I an emotional wreck? Yes.  I had all of two minutes to cry and be a mess before I had to head directly into moving my parents who have been without power for 6 days.  By day 2 with a broken generator, my father had enough and decided to move.  For those who don't know, my childhood home is on the market.  My parents have downsized and bought a smaller home.  They had intended to move in little by little, but under the current circumstances and with no power or water at what we now call the "old" house, we set to work.  It has been a grueling few days and to be quite honest, I would like to forget them all together.  I had many emotions about my parents selling my childhood home.  While I understood the reasoning behind the move and support my father 110% in this decision, I always thought that by the time they were ready to sell, we'd be ready to buy it.  Life hasn't worked out that way and it's not in the cards.  I've accepted that and now, the old house no longer even feels like home to me.  I will always keep the memories close to my heart, but in all reality, I don't think I would be able to live there without having certain emotions about the way it was.  It's time to let go and move on.  I can do that.  So organizing, sorting old from new and what will fit, packing, unpacking, loading cars and unloading cars has been filling most of my days this week.  To the point where I got home last night and starting to go through my own kitchen.  How can I sit there and so neatly organize my parent's house when mine is such a disaster? 


I'm at the point now where I just want my parents settled in their new house.  I want them comfortable and organized.  I want some sort of normalcy back.  Julie and I have been working our tushies off to make this happen.  Juggling kids, drop offs, work and whatnot we have somehow managed to move 99% of the house, on our own.  Have I mentioned that I don't know what I would do without her in my life?  If it weren't for each other, I know we would never be able to get through this phase in our lives.  Somehow, together, we are getting through probably one of the most difficult times we will ever have to endure and I will leave it at that.  Aside from Julie, I thank God every day for these beautiful angels he has given me.  They are my life lines.  They are what is good in this life.  I swear to God they were put on this earth to save me.  They are my happiness.  They are everything that is good in my life.  Unfortunately, I have had very little time to spend with them the past two weeks due to all of the chaos that has been going on and it is affecting me.  I miss them.  I want to just sit and play and color and laugh.  I want to play dress up and I want to play ball.  I feel like I am missing out on so much and it has only been two weeks.  Billy had to pick Hannah up from her first day of school on Wednesday and it killed me.  He got to take her to the park even though it was me who had promised to take her.  I want my life back.  I want my time with them back.  I want the hectiness to end.  Now.


Thankfully the girls seem to be adjusting well to school.  Hannah has a wonderful teacher this year and a FANTASTIC new principal.  I got to meet him yesterday and he is a doll.  I get such a good vibe from him and I am praying that this is the turn around year for McGuire Elementary.  Finger's crossed.  I was worried Layla would be upset at drop off today because all summer she kept telling me that I need to drop her off and leave her there.  She got a kick out of telling me this.  Her attempt at being independent I presume and watching what we do when dropping Hannah off at school.  Last night she told me that she would like for me to stay at school with her.  I gulped.  Thankfully though, she was so excited to have Cousin Addy at school with her today that she forgot all about wanting Mommy... even though Mommy would have done anything to get on the floor and play with her at preschool all day.  I think I would have even enjoyed nap time tremendously!  Driving to drop Hannah off afterwards was so weird.  I kept looking at her empty car seat wanting to lose it.  Two other kids and the car and yet I felt so lonely.  After dropping Hannah off it was just Cam and I.  Just the two of us heading into the office together.  All I can say is, Thank God I had a third.  I cant imagine going through this without having him to keep me distracted.  And distracted he certainly keeps me.  The kid is a moose!  He's huge!  He's into EVERYTHING and has quite the temper lately.  VERY strong willed.  He reminds me sooo much of Hannah at this age.  He's like the male version of her!  He seems to be doing okay without his sidekick Layla here to occupy his time.  It's good for us too, to have this alone time as well.... even though I would do anything to have all three by my side.  As I type, he is giving me that toothy grin of his and I just want to eat his face off!


Last night after the kids went to sleep, I ended up going to see my Ana Banana for a bit.  It has been months since we sat and talked.  It was such a nice, crisp evening and I was so grateful for this time with her.  Just chatting away and discussing life.  It made me feel the most normal I have felt in weeks.  Just being there and talking like we use to before the summer got so hectic.  I hope we can continue this tradition!  It's like therapy for me!  I went to bed on the late side and woke up to Hannah climbing in bed with us.  So weird that she has been doing this a bit more lately.  She curled up between Billy and I and went to sleep.  Billy woke up really early for work and found Layla sitting up in her bed.  He carried her to ours and the girls and I curled up and slept.  I cant tell you how much I adore this.  I don't care how tired I am.  Something about this cuddle time with them just melts my heart.  Hannah fell asleep holding my hand and Layla was curled up right into my side with her arms wrapped around me.  I don't think I could have felt more loved.  These are the times I want to remember forever.  I am grateful for every single one of these moments I have with my children...

Happy 3rd Birthday to my niece Addison!  We love you very much dolly!  xoxoxo

And this is why I will be okay....