9 weeks and 2 days. Yes I am still counting. I still haven't accepted the fact that I have lost you Mom. I want to. Trust me I do. I think that if I can finally accept it, I can begin the healing process.. no? Maybe? Maybe not. Is this shock? Could I possibly be in shock still, 9 weeks later? Is that even a thing? I'm going to have to google that. I just miss you so much. I miss you well, I miss you even sick. Your physical presence. Your smile. Dammit everything. I need you here. It hurts to not have you here. This has been he most horrible year of my life and I just need you. YOU. Mom everything has gone wrong and I just don't know how much longer I can hold on without you. I feel like everything is falling apart.
I waited weeks to feel your presence and even though these days suck without you.. I have felt you Mom. Last week.. when I finally made things right.. you knew I needed that. You were behind that. God I am so grateful and thankful. Then yesterday, when I found myself in the same predicament as I was in 15 years ago with you... and you never let me live it down. You laughed about that for years. There I was again.. same situation, same doctors office, same shot in the ass. All I could do was laugh because I knew you were laughing your head off at me! I waited so long to feel you. Thank God I have finally found some of you around me. Yet, the tears still come. Almost daily. I can't talk about you without getting choked up. Especially to Dad. He took me to the cemetery last week. He knew I was struggling. I thought if I went.. I could accept. It didn't work. I think it actually made me worse. I wouldn't tell him that of course. It's his place.. his comfort. He cares for you there. Me, I had to hold back with every inch of my being not to dig you up and hold you. It didn't feel right.. me there sitting by your grave. I should be taking care of you.
Then there are the day to day struggles. The just living life and trying to put one foot in front of the other. My "give a damn" is busted Mom. I simply just cant do everything that I use to. Quite frankly, I don't know how I still fit in a day what I do. Maybe it is your last lesson in strength that keeps me going? Is it you Mom? I feel like I am letting people down. I feel guilty for a few.. and then I just don't care. When I have to cancel plans or respond no to an invite.. it bothers me.. but I just can't do it all and I really don't FEEL like it. I am grateful for the people that have stuck with me. My friends.. certain family members.. who don't hate me for it and still stand by my side. The countless texts from people that I hardly get to respond to because I am just too damn busy or just don't feel like it... and yet those people still text me.. and love me.
I keep finding pictures. I look at them... suck in my breath and say, "Can this be?" It's like I have to sit here and force myself to remember those last days to believe that you are gone and yet when I think of them.. I can't possibly believe I actually lived them. "Wait. I did that?" I did. It's fuzzy and so clear all at the same time. Oh Mom.. I just hope you are somewhere pretty and safe. I hope that your pain is gone and that you are happy. ...
