Happy Thanksgiving

I am finally switching gears from work and photography to TURKEY DAY!   I am also very happy to admit that I am keeping the mind frame of not letting anything stress me out!  I have been placing sticky notes in my car each morning with the list of things that need to get done, whom to pick up, drop off and where.. and I swear it is helping me stay focused and complete the tasks.  So on this Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.. I DO NOT have to go to the market!  Yipeee!!!  While it scares the ever living crap out of me that I have to live like this to remember tasks, I am ignoring the voices in my head that say it has to do with a certain disease and quite frankly it just has to be the fact that I am running in a gazillion different directions.  That's it.  It HAS to be!

So last night I decided to put myself in time out.  I've worked 21 days straight and my brain just needed to shut off for an evening.  I left the laundry, I left the dishes, I left the dust bunnies under the bed and I left the pool of water that had spilled over from Layla's bath onto the floor.  I sat.  Still.  For longer than 5 minutes.  Layla and I cuddled up on the couch and began to watch November Christmas.  When Hannah returned home from hockey, she joined us.  I will say, that this movie is by far the best Hallmark Channel Christmas movie ever.  Twice I looked over at Hannah because although she is so much like her daddy, she does have some mommy in her too.  As I looked over with my own tears streaming down my face, I met her face with her own tears pouring down.  We shared a brief mother daughter moment before Layla chimed in, "Are you two kidding me?  This is ridiculous... "  as she ran off laughing to fetch us a roll of toilet paper.

Aside from this wonderful evening with my girls, I also had another moment with my baby boy yesterday.  Due to a recent schedule conflict with one of her caretakers, I am able to step in and spend some time with Mom on Tuesdays.  I felt really bad that I had to drag her around town to complete all the tasks on my sticky note.  It was a lot of getting in the car and getting out of the car.  At our first stop, I got out, unbuckled Cameron and then walked around to unhook Mom's seat belt and help her out of the car.  What I didnt realize was that my little 3 year old munchkin was watching my every move and taking it all in.  At our second stop, he demanded I take him out of the car seat before I could even kill the ignition and put the car in park.  As soon as I unbuckled him he jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side of the car, opened my mother's car door, jumped on her lap, unbuckled her seat belt and helped her out of the car.  I stood there in awe watching him.  He continued to do this the rest of the day and he would say, "See Mommy, I'm a gentleman!"  Dumbfounded by how much he has understood my Mother's illness, I hugged him and told him he was my special, special little man. 

 

 

So it was a day of moments.  Warm your heart, fuzzy warm nice moments.  For that I am grateful! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving with their families and friends.  I truly hope that you all can find some time to sit back and take in some warm, fuzzy moments for yourselves!
xo

Falling into winter

Well it seems as though the colder weather has finally arrived and we are now hitting the peak foliage with the crisp temperatures.  When I looked back at the blog I was dumbfounded to see that my last entry was in May.  As Joey Lawrence use to say, "Whoa".  I guess it is just a side affect of how busy we have all been since then!  The summer went by in a whirl!  I couldn't possibly update on all the memories we've had since May so I'll be brief.  We had a wonderful summer.  Mommy function pretty much in zombie status being that I worked nights to be home with them during the day.  I have a new found respect for people who work night shifts.  While it was wonderful being home with them this summer, I am thrilled to be back to actually sleeping at night!

Our summer was filled with pool days, beach days, friends, family and birthday parties.  We went to the library, the movies and out to lunch!  Mommy actually made it to 2 concerts this summer as well and had a blast at Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift. 

We jumped right into this school year.  I did better than I expected.  Hannah entered 4th grade, Layla started Kindergarten (1/2 day) and Cameron started Preschool.  Wow.  All three, in school.  How did that happen?  They are all doing really well and seemed to have adjusted just fine.  Coincidentally, Cameron has not been kicked out of Preschool yet and quite the contrary has been noted to be the best behaved and a favorite amongst his teachers.  I tell you that I question them about this on a daily basis.  Our we talking about MY Cameron?  Are you sure?  LOL  I love that little booger to death but to say he is a hand full is an understatement!  He reminds me so much of Hannah when she was his age.  Layla was so easy that I had forgotten all about that little strong willed attitude battle.  HAND FULL!  Luckily his cute little face gets me through it and I was so happy that the little man fell asleep cuddled under a blanket with me on the couch watching the Sox whip butt in World Series Game #1. 

So all in all the kids are doing great!  Health wise we were able to get to the bottom of Layla's issues and determined that she has reflux and is lactose intolerant.  She's been on some meds and they seem to be helping.  Hannah has been a picture of health (my miracle) and aside from a recent ear infection, Cam man has been healthy as well!  So for now, I am just going to enjoy the lull in the health issues and pray we can keep it like this!

Hannah has been skating A LOT.  I can't believe how far she has come in two short months with this team.  I am so grateful that she has this opportunity to learn from such unbelievably talented people.  Vicki and Coach Chris have really invested in her and I can see the difference.  She already has 3 goals under her belt this season and her skating has improved by leaps and bounds.  I can't even explain the proud feeling I get watching her play.. especially when she scores.  It's one of those "parent moments" that truly seem surreal.  That's my kid! 

Layla is still dancing and has added hip hop to the mix this year.  That is a hoot and something she really likes.  Hannah is still somehow dancing as well and is actually keeping up with girls that are 2 years older than she is.  Cam has started learn to skate... One word... ADORABLE!  He holds on to the cone for dear life but he is such a ham.  As long as the snack bar is closed.. we can keep him out there the whole hour.. LOL

As for myself, I have been burning the candle at both ends a bit.  Work, kids, schedules and HOLY Photography!  I am thrilled to be as busy as I am, but the craziness of the days and my schedule is starting to catch up to me!  I actually had to put myself to bed one night this week by 8PM  (Unheard of for me)  I was feeling flu like symptoms, aches, pains, chills and quite honestly, I think it was just my body telling me to calm down.  Lately I feel like it might be beneficial to change the name of the blog to Managing the Chaos because that is truly what I do on a day to day basis.  Yet, I am happy to be where I am and most certainly recognize the blessings I have.  And on those really tough days.. I just crank up Michael Buble and sing my heart out to get through it.  (Have you heard his newest album?  I am a bit obsessed.)  He's always been my go to stress reliever music. 

So that is pretty much it in a nutshell.  We are going to start buckling down getting ready for the holidays and I for one, intend to take it all in and enjoy every moment! 

Love to all!
xo

Posting some pics I took of Hannah and her softball friends.  While she doesnt play softball (hockey) I loved the concept and thought it photographed well!

Mind Over Matter

I took the weekend to calm my brain and get reacquainted with a schedule.  A schedule that includes the words, "no".  I have to say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been reminding myself daily that I am not perfect.  That I don't have to "do it all" and that I CAN let things go.  What is it in me that makes me crazy if a bed isn't made or the laundry isn't done?  It helped to have a somewhat calm week to muttle around in.  I just keep reminding myself that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.. blue skies in, gray skies out.  I have been spending time with the kids this week.  Not sort of spending time.. like the half ass time that I usually try and spend with them while I fold laundry, work or make dinner.  Time like, getting in the sand box with them and letting them help make dinner.  Stepping away from my desk at work to turn a cardboard box into a house.. complete with doors and windows.  It has helped. 

Most days I feel like being a mommy is the best medicine a girl could have.  Yes, my kids run me ragged and can raise my stress level to an unchartable amount but these children can also give me an enormous amount of love and affection.  To see their little minds work and hear how they talk, how they learn, how they love.. is quite possibly for me, the biggest reward, heart filler, I will ever get.  I sat down at Layla's preschool this week to have a Mother's Day breakfast with her.  She couldn't do enough for me and got the biggest kick out of waiting on me.  I think we gave each other a million hugs and kisses that morning and I left that school with my heart full. 

I've also been trying to have a little more patience with Cameron.  Oh.. he is tough..  lol.. but I have been taking a step back and watching his little mind work and appreciating it.  Appreciating the fact that he is a wild man because one day that little wild man is going to do great things with all his bountiful of energy!

Hannah has had a great week and has only bared her grizzly attitude a few times.  She has been a lot of help this week and takes such good care of Layla and Cam.  She'll step right in and help out with them whenever they need tending too.  She also shocked me by giving me a kiss this morning before she left the car to walk into the play yard.  I have been asking her for two weeks and today, she did it without me asking.  All the other times she would roll her eyes and say "no" while she quickly exited the car... but today.. KISS!  I hope someday when she reads this she'll realize just how much that one kiss meant to her mommy!

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of the girls in their younger years.  I dont know if it is the fact that the birthdays are just around the corner.. but Hannah especially.. I have these pictures of them that I had taken stuck in my head.  One when Hannah was 2 or 3 and we went to Gallilee.  She was prancing on the beach in her gray Block Island sweatshirt... with a pink bow practically taped to her scalp with no hair.  Layla, when she fell asleep sitting in the high chair with Pastena all over her face.  And then I get scared when I really try to remember what they were like at certain ages and it gets harder and harder for me to recall.  I'm trying to remember when it was just Hannah.. what were bath times like?  I do remember that was the time I would take with her to teach her new things.  Like her letters, her name, songs, etc.. You Are My Sunshine.. lol   But what were our conversations?  Did she tell me she loved me all the time?   It's even harder to remember the times when it was just me and the girls.  I remember the beginnings of it.. but that's really all.  sigh... is it the exhaustion?   I feel like I could nod off at any point throughout the day.  I really don't get a good night's sleep.. maybe that's why I function in Zombie mode most days?  I can't imagine how comatose I would be if it weren't for caffeine.. my SwingJuice.  etc..

My Layla baby (yes she is 5 and I will always call her my baby-lol)  has also been having some more GI issues.  I didnt think it was much before and kind of just let it go, however, the issues have been more and more frequent and I am starting to think that her Eosinophilic Esophagitis is having a flare up.  She had been doing so well that I almost forgot she was diagnosed with it a few years back.  She started gaining weight, came off the million dollar formula and started growing.  Billy and I started connecting the dots and counting the times she has had issues and have written down what she ate prior.  Something is up.  Be it the seasonal allergies (which are horrific this year and I am ready to scratch my eyeballs out despite taking meds) or the fact that there may be a new food allergy present....  We head up to Boston Childrens in 2 weeks to figure it all out.  I am dreading the endoscopy.. dreading it.  But we will do what we have to in order to get my girl feeling her best! 


Alright.. Im off to go enjoy my time... xo

Living Life

It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos.  I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them.  The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids.  Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.

I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get.  It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life.  When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time.  Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride.  Like now.

I've been working alot.  A LOT.  From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off.  Don't get me wrong.  I am THRILLED to have this step happen.  I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future.  I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate.  I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them.  While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital  mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs.  Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends.  My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work.  Adding to this is my mother's steady decline.  (Sigh) 

Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us.  We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us.  We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease.  The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us.  From my father, to my siblings to my children.  While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.

My kids are getting older.  They are aware more.  They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease.  They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong.  Except Hannah.  My Hannah knows what's up.  She knows.  She's so smart.  Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time.  What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was.  Their grandmother.  Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do.   They get nervous around her, which kills me.  We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam.  They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box.  Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them.  Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts.  It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go.  That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child..   Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape.  Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN!  For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song.  Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now.  I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive. 

So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought.  Time.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.  My balancing isn't working.  I haven't yet learned the word, "No".  You think I would have by this point.  It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro.  Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to get off this ride.  I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax.  I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family.  This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it.  So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out.  I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.

 

sickies and NRI Vikings

The sickie family somehow managed to head out to Falmouth last weekend for Hannah's hockey tourney.  I originally was going to stay home and meet Billy and Hannah out there with the little ones on Saturday, but I somehow managed to get my act together and tough it out to go on Friday even though I was feeling terrible.  The second we stepped into the hotel, I was glad I had decided to go.  If there is one thing I truly love about hockey, it is the family you create while being in the rinks.  I love Hannah's team and their families.  Everyone is so nice and you spend five minutes with them and feel as though you have known them for a lifetime.  They are so supportive and just plain old fun to be around.  We settled in and the kids had a blast playing knee hockey in the hallway.  The only down side to these excursions is that it is tough on Cam.  He has not been doing well at bed time all of a sudden.  He went from my perfect sleeper to a complete disaster.  Not wanting to go down, waking up in the middle of the night.  It was exhausting trying to get him to sleep in the hotel.  On the plus side though, the team won their very first game all season.  When I tell you it was awesome... awesome is an understatement.  These poor kids have tried so hard all season and have just somehow become the underdogs.  They have more heart and they are all really good kids.  To see them win this game was so gratifying.  All the parents were crying with our broken blood vesselled hands (from pounding on the glass).  So proud and so glad I was able to witness it.  I was also able to witness my girl score a goal as well.  Now that was something!  Congrats to the team on a well deserved win.

All week I have been trying to get the kids back into a routine.  Both Hannah and Cam were still not feeling well on Monday.  Cam had broken out in hives over the weekend from what I thought was because of the antibiotic he was on for an ear infection he had before coming down with the flu.  Turns out it was actually from the flu virus itself.  They are seeing the younger kids finish with this hive thing.  Hannah just ended up with a really crappy case of the flu and it was just taking her longer to get over it.  Layla was fine on Monday but then the past two nights we've been up with her and her asthma.  She woke up this morning with a 101 fever so we are heading back to the Pediatrician to be sure her O2 level is ok.  It was about this time last year she ended up in the ICU with and O2 level of 82 and I do not want a repeat of that.  So just to be sure we are heading in to have her checked.  In the meantime, I'd like to sleep for an entire week! LOL  I seriously dont remember the last time I have slept for more than 2 or 3 hours a night.

UPDATE:  Thankfully Layla's pulsox is 98 however, she is very wheezy so they are starting her on prednisone.  Joy.  I wish I could get these kids healthy.  I think I am going to have to dust off my Deceptively Delicious cookbook this weekend and start pureeing.  They have been battling me about what they want to eat and I just have to find a way to get these good nutrients into them. 

Onto the weekend...

sick, sick, sick, sick..nook

I knew it was only a matter of time before the flu visited our house.  Despite my desperate attempts to keep the germs out and despite the flu shot, Hannah started with the high fever on Friday evening.  The poor bug got it pretty good.  I have to say it has been quite some time since she has been sick besides having ear infections.  I guess she got that all out of her system when she was a baby!  Layla started Saturday night and then Cam started Monday.  Tuesday, Billy came home with bronchitis.  I am currently ignoring the fact that my own chest is on fire as I am determined to beat these germs.  There is no time for me to get sick so it's herbal teas, lots of veggies, vitamins and honey for me.  Needless to say, I have been waiting hand and foot on the kids, working at night to catch up on the work I've missed and trying to get some sleep which has proved to be a daunting task with the kids not being able to sleep through the night.  Hannah is finally back at school although I still don't think she is 100%.  Layla's fever finally broke, yet she is having asthma issues now and Mr. Cam.. still has that nagging fever.  Today I am airing out the house, bleaching the bugger down and washing every surface with sanitizer.  Germs be gone!  Please?

I did manage to finish my "nook" over the weekend.  I am in love with the way it came out.  It is surely my happy place. 

The completed version looks like this:

The words for the wall came in yesterday,  "Tutta Bella" means Everything is Beautiful in Italian.  I've always loved the way it sounds...

The shutters I bought from Etsy for a steal.  They were black.  I removed the hardware, sanded them down, painted them white and then this pretty color blue.  I love the color!

This idea with the Mason Jars came to me when all I could think about were fireflies in a jar.  So I bought the jars, the moss and 2 sets of LED string lights and voila!  And who doesn't just love Lavender?

The drawer pull I also got off of Etsy.  I wanted something to offset the weathered wood look I created with the originally unfinished desk.

Last is my chair that I bought for $30 at a local country store.  It's exactly what I had pictured and completes the Shabby Country look.

So there you have my Nook.  I was also able to take some pictures of Cam this week prior to him starting with the flu.  He is a trip.  A total handful, but a trip... and might I add, a good sport.  My little partner in crime.



Hopefully I can pick the camera back up over the next couple of weeks as the kids get on the mend and things start to calm down a bit.  Til then....

October, November, December, January

It's been some time.  I haven't quite had much of a chance to sit and write.  Yet, I am glad today I seem to have found a bit of space today.  The days pass in a blur, the months pass in seconds and again I find myself wishing and praying that time would stand still, just for a bit.  The kids are growing like weeds.  Getting older and hitting all their milestones.  I look at Hannah and my heart drops a bit each time.  She looks and acts like a teenager.  As much as it hurts my heart to see her getting so big so quickly, I do love the relationship we have.  I can joke with her on a different level now and she gets my silliness.  It's all together different dialogue with her now.  It is so hard though.. to not be able to hold her and carry her the way I did when she was a little girl.  That part really bothers me.  Holding Miss Layla has even been getting tough lately, but thankfully, I still can.  My tall and skinny string bean.  She has completely flourished into a super silly, super spacey, hysterical little monkey.  The kid has us all belly laughing at least twice a day with her verbiage, jokes and just her pure funniness.    She is just going to be the funniest little bean her whole life I believe.  She is maturing though too.  Learning is starting to stick a bit with her, although she is not like Hannah with that super smart eagerness to learn.  She can hold her own though.  She is surely the one who will laugh her way through life and I am so okay with that.  She is five and still says, "hold you Mommy, hold you."  (sigh of relief)  One of those things I never corrected and never want too.  She's still my super cuddly love bug too.  Many nights I end up falling asleep with her while she's snuggled up in my "nook".   Then there is Mr. Man.  My baby boy.. every day he grows a bit older and wiser.  He figures out new things all the time and is much like Hannah in his eagerness to learn and do things on his own.  He has an obsession with holding the door open for Mommy and anyone else for that matter.  He HAS to be the one to do it or he gets very upset.  My little gentleman.  And then on the flip side, when he gets upset... WATCH OUT! LOL  He wont think twice before he hits, bites and throws something at your head.  He can throw some serious meltdowns but ALWAYS comes to apologize, hug and kiss once he is calm.  I know its a phase and we are trying our best to teach him right from wrong.  It's just another step in the growing up process.  He adores his sisters and wants to do everything they do.  I often look at him and see so much of Hannah in him.  February is the time we have to reserve his spot for Fall preschool and I've already cried twice just thinking about having all three kids in school.  How can my little baby boy be old enough to go to preschool?  I am so not going to handle this well... like.. at all.  And I swear, if there were some way I could have a 4th.. I would.  In a heart beat! 

Billy and I are spending the next several months creatively making the house ours.  Lots of projects we would like to accomplish.  I am currently working on my photography nook.  I'm so excited about it because it will be the one spot in the house that is just mine!  I want all aspects of it to be something I created.  The desk, I bought unfinished and finished it with a rustic weathered look.  I ADORE it!  It's so rustic, country charm and chic.  I have more touches I need to make before I post a final picture... but I'm so loving it.  We really want to make the house feel like ours and I think after almost 9 years of being married, we are finding our taste in decorating.  The other night I was thinking about how we would most likely pass the house down to one of our kids.  I was wondering which one would love to have it the same way I did.  Would they hate our taste in decor as much as we do our parents?  Would they change everything like we are?  Made me chuckle a bit. 

While I am eagerly awaiting the Spring, and warmer weather, I am also learning to just be in the moment.  To enjoy the here and now.  To savor it and cherish it.  To take in every second with my children, husband and family and just breathe... With all the tragedy in this world right now, I certainly am realizing that every day is a gift.  There are no guarantees for tomorrow.  So all I can do is love.  Love as much as I can.  XO