“I will remember you, will you remember me…don’t let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.” Sarah Mclauchlan – I will Remember You
I reread my Mother’s Day post from last year…I’ll leave it at that. The “Elephant in the Room” feeling started Wednesday. No, actually it probably started sometime last week. The emails, Facebook ads, flyers and every piece of literature that came in the mail started the pit in my stomach. “What to get Mom for Mother’s Day…” My initial reaction was “How cruel! Don’t these people know?” As my pulse calmed I thought and thought… and then thought some more. The new Kerri remembered her motto of trying to focus on the positive. I forced myself to refocus… although some days are easier than others and the uneasy feeling continued to grow throughout the week. It was a hell week to begin with. A week where each day I was required to be in three places all at once.
“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you…” Carpenters- Close to You
Tuesday evening Hannah had middle school orientation. Yep. Let me say that again. MIDDLE SCHOOL ORIENTATION. What the CRICKETS!! How did this happen? I sat in the same cafeteria I sat at 28 sem odd years ago and watch my first born leave to tour the school. At the end of the evening, the principal, whom I found to be just wonderful, showed a 4 minute video clip.. it started with an older man in the attic searching through boxes. He found a box of photo albums and began looking at the photos of he and his wife who had gone on before him. He came across a journal that his son had written and he never knew his son had kept a journal. He too, kept a business journal during his life. He went downstairs to compare the journals. He opened his to a page where he had written, “Went fishing and didn’t catch a thing all day. What a waste.” He opened his son’s journal to the same date and read, “Went fishing with dad, BEST DAY EVER!” As if I needed an excuse, the tears fell. I quickly tried to hide them. Ana caught me and grabbed my hand. She had tears in her eyes as well. My twin from another life.
“Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it. Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face. Beam me up. Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute’s enough. Just beam me up.” Pink – Beam Me Up
Wednesday was Cam ’s Bright Start art show at Uno’s. Unfortunately, the night before he gave me quite the scare. (The positive? The pit in my stomach about Mom stopped briefly). He woke up with the croup cough. Three kids and ten plus years of dealing with croup and I consider myself a pro. I was in the shower when he came in. It was late. Actually it was early. 1:30am early. I jumped out and grabbed him in my arms and tried to soothe him. I wasn’t nervous at this point. Remember, I am a pro. The barking cough continued and I quickly got dressed and laid with him in his bed. By this point he was pretty worked up and in a matter of minutes, he got worse. By worse I mean, not only was he coughing like a seal, but on his breaths in, he was making this God awful gasping noise. Strider (see.. I even know what they call it. I thank my asthma kid Layla for that.) I’m still in control. In my efforts to calm him down, I grab the nebulizer and hook him up. He’s hysterical and the breathing is only getting worse. The neb does not help. It’s about now I go into panic mode. I’m alone. The girls are sleeping. Shit, I’m alone. Did I mention that I am alone? I turn on the shower hot.. steam, steam will help. Steam does not help. He’s getting worse. I wrap him in a blanket and pray the cool air helps as I run outside with him. Another failed attempt at helping him and he’s sounding worse as the minutes go by. It is somewhere around 2am at this point. I throw my hands up, grab him and run to the kitchen. I give him a dose of prednisone praying to God that this helps him. I take him downstairs and prop him in my arms on my bed and soothe him. My pulse is astronomical at this point but I am still trying to portray a calmness so that he is not scared. I have the phone in my hand. My thoughts are as such; Call the doctor.. call the doctor dammit. Take him to Hasbro.. forget the doctor and take him to Hasbro. The girls are sleeping. I am going to have to wake them and throw them in the car as well. Can I do this on my own? Of course I can do this on my own. I do it all the time. But wait, he needs to be held.. how can I drive and hold him? Should I call Julie? Mikey’s away. I can’t call Julie. Dad and Rob are away too. Dammit… call the doctor. Wait, he’s calming down. Does his breathing sound better? Am I going crazy? I might be going crazy. The doctor is going to think I am a loon. I’m going to give it 5 minutes and then in the car we are going… Those five minutes passed and thankfully, Cam fell asleep in my arms. I spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and why I was so worked up. I always remain calm in these instances and Lord knows I have had my share. For the love of God what is wrong with me?? Sleep did not come for me that night. The next day the doctor confirmed that yes, a pretty crappy case of croup he did have and more prednisone would do the trick. The dose I gave him is what saved us the trip to Hasbro… and he is just fine. Me, I am obviously losing my ever loving mind, but Cam is just fine.
“It’s been a long day, without you my friend and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began, oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again, when I see you again…”Wiz Khalifa – See You Again
I got off track here though. The art show. As he wasn’t feeling well and had not gone to school, I couldn’t very well just show up. Yet, this is his last preschool art show.. I need to see it. I need to have him see me see it. By mid afternoon he is perking up and I decide to order takeout from Uno’s and sneak in a few minutes before the event starts so we can sneak a peak. His wonderful teachers allow me to do so and we begin our decent to the back room where the art is set up. We walk in and then it hits me. Last year. Last year we were all there. We took a picture in front of that art. My mother in law, Grandmother in law, Cameron, myself and Mom. Mom was still here. She was here. Miss Kristen see’s my face and without me saying a word says, “I know. I thought the same thing.” She reached out and hugged me.
“She got the call today, one out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she couldn’t believe, it could happen to me. I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees. We’re gonna get there soon.” Mat Kearney-Closer to Love
Thursday rolls around and I am jumping out of my skin. I can’t put my finger on it.. oh hell of course I can put my finger on it... So instead of giving in.. I decide to rearrange my whole office. If I stay busy I won’t feel. I don’t want to feel. I dive in. Dad walks by and shakes his head. He walks by again.. comes in and helps. I’m just like him and he knows it. I’m going crazy and he knows why. He helps. Several hours later I can breath again. I sit at my desk.. everything reorganized and I can breath again. Friday hits and I am determined to not let it suck me in. It’s “Muffin’s with Mom” at Cam ’s preschool. I hold him tight and appreciate the little moments I have with him. I adore him. My feisty little monkey who keeps me yelling at unearthly high pitches because he is determined to take 10 years off my life on a daily basis. I love him. With all my heart. We sit, we talk and as much as I am giving him all of me.. I drift for a moment or two. It’s coming. Mother’s Day is coming and I can’t stop it. Why is this particular holiday so hard for me? I’ve been through so many already. The firsts. The first Thanksgiving.. Christmas, her birthday.. why is Mother’s Day sending me over the edge? I kiss Cam all over and head to work. I had agreed to help out during lunch hour at the girl’s school. I concentrate on work and notice the time.. I’ve got about 25 more minutes before I have to leave. All of a sudden Aimee walks through the door and into my office. She gives me a hug and hands me a card. I’m speechless. She thought of me. She sits and we talk for a bit. All the while I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for her friendship. In an instant, Alyson follows suit and comes in my office baring a card and a beautiful candle. Wait what? How on earth did I get so lucky to have these most amazing friends who think of me the way they do? I don’t even have to say a word and there they are, lifting me up. Always, lifting me up. My heart swells. I head to the school after expressing my gratitude to my girlfriends. It’s the first time I’ve gotten to help out during lunch period and Layla is beside herself that I am there. She can’t give me enough hugs and wants me to stay the day with her. She shows me the ropes during lunch and stays by my side during recess. I take a moment and relish this time with her. My fairy foo foo always showing me how much love she has in her heart. I take a few minutes with Re too. That face of hers. Sometimes I swear it’s my face staring back at me. I decide to go in and take a minute with Hannah. I want time with all three of my babies today. I walk in the caf and look for the tallest, most beautiful little girl.. I don’t see her. Where is she? A mother friend of mine starts laughing as she notices her ducking down out of my sight in the lunch line. Ha! She should know better than to do this to me! I casually walk over and kiss her straight on the cheek as she turns 10 shades of red but she is smiling. She secretly loves it but won’t admit it. I of course take it to the next level and give her one of my dance routines. She laughs. I love her. My precious baby girl is growing up and our relationship is changing. I’m embracing it. Being able to spend individual time with all three of my children really filled my heart. It was the exact medicine I needed.
Mom, on this Mother’s Day I make you one promise. I will not let your death be the end of you. I will choose to keep your legacy alive. We’ve got plans Mom. We’ve got big plans and I promise you I will see them through. This isn’t the end.. You spent your life helping people and I swear to you we will spend your death making sure we help people in your honor. In your name. You deserve at least this. I will make sure we do it your way. I promise you with all my heart! Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Thank you for giving me 39+ years of being the greatest Mother I could have ever asked for. Thank you for always being so selfless and so giving. Thank you for instilling in me all your morals, values and beliefs. There is no doubt it has made me a better person. Send me a sign today please.. the music.. we always have our music. Send it my way. I’ll know it’s you. I love you Mom. I hope you are happy and somewhere beautiful.
“Autumn Leaves” Ed Sheeran
Another day, another life
Passes by just like mine
It’s not complicated
Another mind, another soul
Another body to grow old
It’s not complicated
Did you ever wonder why the stars shine out for you?
Float down, like autumn leaves
And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you’re miles away
And yesterday you were here with me.
Another tear, another cry
Another place for us to die
It’s not complicated
Another loved that’s gone to waste
Another light lost from your face
It’s complicated
Is it that it’s over or do the birds still sing for you?
Float down
Like autumn leaves
And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep
And you’re miles away
And yesterday you were here with me
Oh how I miss you
My symphony played the song that carried you out
Oh how I miss you
And I, I miss you and I wish you’d stay..
Touch down
Like a seven four seven
Stay out and we’ll live forever now…
