My head is spinning

 

I came across this picture today and it made me catch my breath.  This picture was taken almost seven years ago.  It was the day after Layla was born.  We were so happy!  Thrilled to have a healthy baby girl after everything poor Hannah went through as an infant!  Look at you!  So beautiful!  Four generations right there.   It was only seven years.  I truly believe this is what you would look like today if you didn't get sick.  I look at this picture and think, "How can you be gone?"  You had so much living to do.  You should be here, Mom.  I need you here.  I hate everything about this stupid disease.  What it did to you.. To us.  Did you know?  Did you know this is what you had?  I wanted to tell you so badly!  Selfishly, I wanted you to know so that we could talk.  I wanted to say things to you while you understood.  I wanted to hear things in return.  Your ring broke today.  Thankfully I was able to find the stone.  I'm hoping it can be fixed easily.  I feel naked without it.  I've worn it every day since you left.  I'm lost mom.  Truly lost without you.  I really would do anything just to have a conversation with you.  I know I'm almost 40 but I still need your guidance.  There are so many things I want to ask you.  Nothing feels right without you.   I love this picture of you because this was the mom I knew.  Always so pretty.. stunning...those pants.. how you loved those pants.. they said so much about you.   I miss you mom...  I don't want to do this without you.  I feel like nobody understands.  It's like everyone expects me to be my old cheerful self.  No one knows how to handle me.  Friends call and ask why I sound down and I get so angry.  Why do you think I sound down?  It's only been 6 weeks.. and every moment is still consumed with missing you.  I feel like I want to scream at them.. MY MOTHER DIED!  Don't they get it?  Don't they understand?  Life didn't go back to normal for me.  I am still trying to maneuver these new streets without you.  Nothing feels right or normal and I am not sure if it ever will.  I miss you so much Mom.  Please send me a sign... I love you.. always and forever.

62 was just too young

 

Mom-  it's been 6 weeks since you took your last breath.  I can't believe 6 weeks have gone by without me seeing your face.  How is this suppose to get better?  Where are you?  Can you see me?  Are you ok?  I look back upon those 6 days and wonder how on earth it all happened.  Did it really happen?  How did I function because functioning now without you is so hard.  I keep looking for signs and can't seem to find any.  I have nightmares not dreams.  I'm not at peace with this.  I look through my phone pictures and see you and I can't help but be angry that you are not here.  You were my buddy... Sick and all.  We'd have a tough day and then you'd give me that look and we'd end up dancing in the kitchen.. Happy.  I'm so grateful for those times but I wanted more.  We should have had more.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I feel like everything I do is with thoughts of you.  I took the kids to the library today and found myself searching for a book.  I pulled one out and saw the title and picture and took it because it reminded me of you.  I'm sitting here looking at it wondering if I'll be able to open it and read.  The only thing I've read these days are books about grief and grieving.  No matter how you spin it.. It sucks.  Period.  I can't fall asleep at night because I keep thinking of those 6 days and I feel like I'm getting repeatedly sucker punched.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  It's like I'm forcing myself to be okay on the outside while my insides are falling apart.  Then there are those fleeting times where I feel happy.  With the kids... About the upcoming school year... Then those moments pass and I feel it all over again.  I went back to photography this week.  Quite frankly because I need the money.  I have no energy or desire but I'm trying.  I'm trying to do the things I did before you died yet nothing feels right.  Work at the office sucks.  You should be there.  You were always there.  Nothing is right without you!  I'd do anything to have you back even just for five minutes.  I just need to talk to you.  Feel your hug and see your face.  I'm still in disbelief that this happened.  That you're really gone.  I remember everything about you.. Your mouth, your beauty mark, your birthmark on your thigh, your hands, your nails....how can I never see these things again?  God I hope you are happy and safe and somewhere pretty.  Please just send me a sign.  I love you Mom.  Always and forever.

3 weeks and 3 days

It's been 3 weeks and 3 days since my mother took her last breath.  3 weeks and 3 days.  It seems like yesterday, it seems like never.. none of it is making sense in my head.  I am struggling.  I miss my mom.  Is she really gone?  She can't be gone!  Yet this hole and aching in my heart tells me she is gone.  Where is gone?  I don't understand.  It wasn't suppose to happen like this.  I knew we did not have all that much time, but it wasn't suppose to happen like this.  Not yet!  She was never suppose to be sick in the first place.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  I spent 6 days trying to soak in as much of her in as I could.  I held her hand, her heart.  I brushed her hair and washed her face and kissed her a million times over.  I'd snuggle in the bed with her and just soak her in.  I knew this was the end and I wanted to soak all of her up to get me through.  It's been 3 weeks and 3 days and I miss everything about her.  Her touch.  Her scent.  Her eyes.  Six days of soaking her up didn't even get me through one week... how am I suppose to get through more?

My mind keeps playing tricks one me.  One second I believe it.. the next it's not real.  Then when I think about the reality of it, I feel the loss all over again.  And over again.  And over again.  Like I keep getting sucker punched. She's gone.  She's not coming back.  I find myself making deals with God to bring her back.  Bring her back sick.  I don't care.  I'll take care of her.  I'll move her in and care for her.  Just to see her face and feel her touch and let her know how very much I love her.  Everywhere I go in my house I am reminded of her being there.  Being there in that house when we were younger.. happier times... and being there sick with me on the days we spent together.  Caring for her.  I keep getting these flashbacks of everything.  Childhood memories... the latter years memories of caring for her sick and then those last 6 days.  I can't get them out of my head.  I watched her die.  I never truly thought about her actual death.  I guess I always assumed she would just close her eyes and pass.  That is not what happened. 

And yet time does not stop.  It should.  The world keeps going and people keep on living their lives.  Back to work, back to household chores and duties.. back to life... except my life feels nothing like before and I just want to scream!  I go through the motions.  Care for the kids, work, activities.. I feel like I am in this fishbowl and everyone is just watching me and expecting me to be fine.  Fine because they don't know how to handle me if I am not.  So I try my best to act fine.  I am not fine.  I am crumbling and broken.  I want to cry at the drop of a dime.  I want this to be a nightmare.  This can't be real.  She's my mom.  I need her.  I feel like I have mono.  Everything hurts.  Physically hurts.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore.  I do it... but it's a chore.  Showering, makeup.. some days I do it, some days I don't.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  I can't sleep at night because all I do is think of her.  Those 6 days.  If she knew how much I loved her.  How much I appreciated her.  Why couldn't I have told her when she was well enough to understand?

During the sleepless nights I find myself googling "heaven".  My faith is supposed to comfort me.  It doesn't.  Im trying.. really... but I am not comforted.  Heaven is suppose to be beautiful and peaceful.  Yet, it is just our spirits.  How do I hug my mom when it's my turn to be a spirit?  How do spirits hug?  I just want to hug her.  I don't get it.  Im pretty sure I left my mom at the cemetery.  6 days of touching her warm hands... never leaving her side.. taking shifts with little or no sleep... to then leave her.. not warm... in a cemetery.  How can this be?  It doesn't make sense.  I'm trying so hard to believe that she is ok and at peace and happy in this space unknown.  But the truth is... I am so scared of the unknown.  I hate the unknown.  If she could just tell me she's ok.. and it's beautiful... I feel like I could have some acceptance of this.  I just simply can't accept that this happened.  This really happened.

I sleep with her robe over my pillow every night.  It's so soft.  I feel like a child who can't sleep without it.  I'm afraid to wash it.  It still smells like her.  Like those last 6 days.  It makes me sad and brings me comfort all at the same time.  I use her lotion and wear her ring and think about her every second of every day.  I am frantically looking for an "I'm ok" sign from heaven.  A penny.. a butterfly.. something.  Anything.  I obsessively listen to 70's lite rock because I can hear her singing every song like she did when we were kids.  I can hear her voice literally singing.  Is she the one playing these certain songs for me?  Is it coincidence?  Is it her?  Is it me just trying to make some connection and really there is none?

3 weeks and 3 days... where do we go from here?  God, Mom... I just miss you so much!