"Still not here"

It's been a while.  Time has passed yet, the hurt is still there.  Maybe the corners have softened, but there are still edges.  For me, there is still the disbelief.  Shock.  Pain.  The past 8 months have not been easy.  Not one bit.  The tears don't come as often, but they still come.  They come when I least expect it.  They come at all hours of the day and night unexpectedly.  Especially the nights.  8 months.  EIGHT.  What?  How? Why?  Why did she have to suffer?  Why did we have to watch her suffer?  She was too good.  Just too damn good to suffer.  Wait.. is she really gone?  Has it REALLY been 8 months?

I still struggle with the decisions that were made.  I feel like you left this world so that I could live.. without getting into detail, you know what I mean.  I feel like you made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I could have the strength and courage to get through this next year.  Or were you just too tired to fight anymore?  Somewhere in there, did you know?  Did you see the pain in our eyes?  Did you just give up?  Dammit this should have never happened to you.  Not you.   I live with the utmost guilt on a daily basis.  I should have had more patience.  I should have told you I loved you more.  I should have this and I should have that... and now.. my time with you is gone.  There were so many good years when you were here and I took them for granted.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.  I just wish I could have looked into your eyes before you got this stupid disease.. really looked in them and thanked you for the selfless mother's love you gave me and let you know how very much appreciation I had for all that you did for me.  For our family.  Looked in your eyes and told you so that you knew.  God I hope you know.  Mom, we were never supposed to be a family of 4.  It was always supposed to be the 5 of us.  Forever. 

They had a party for me Mom.  Yes, the big 4 - 0.  (yikes)  I don't know how they pulled it off but they did.  I was totally surprised.  Yet, as soon as the blindfold came off and I saw Dad's face, all I could do was cry.  Cry because here we are again, another milestone, another celebration, another moment without you.  None of it feels right.  I had a blast.  Yes, I absolutely did.  Yet at times like these when I am in all my glory, there is always a part of me that says, "If mom were here..."  If you were there that night Mom, you would have been on the dance floor with me the whole night.  Smiling and laughing.. and then the next day the two of us would be complaining together about how everything hurt! Ha!  How I wish I could have lived that memory. 

Julie and I went to see "Still Alice" this weekend.  Julianne Moore earned every bit of that Oscar.  Neither one of us were really thinking.  Certainly in hindsight, we should have waited for it to come out on DVD and watch it in our own homes.  The role remarkably made us re live almost all aspects of what Mom went through.  I found myself crying through the entire movie.  There was a scene where Alec Baldwin was helping her get dressed... this was where I lost it the most I think.  I use to do that.  I HATED doing it just because of how I hated how much dignity Mom had to lose.  I hated it for her, not so much me.. but that scene.. brought me back to the many days and nights I would do the same for Mom and it made me miss every single second of doing these things for her.. even though I hated it.. I would take it all back and do it in a heart beat just to have her back.  Just to hug her, hold her and tell her everything was alright.  But everything is not alright.  It's not and I would have been lying to her.  By the end of the movie, Julie and I were holding onto each other sobbing uncontrollably.  The people in the theater were confused by the ending.  We knew the ending.  Julie wanted to shout at them.. do you want to know how it ends?  I'll tell you how it ends!  You all are here seeing this movie as a past time.  We are seeing it, because we LIVED it!  Trust us, the ending is too horrible to bare. 

I love you Mom.  With my whole heart.  I will spend the rest of my life missing you and somehow trying to understand why you had to go through this.  Why you?  Please keep sending me signs.  They are all that get me through the days sometimes.  When I feel like I am suffocating and my whole world is closing in.. keep sending me signs.  I got yours yesterday.  You always did know how to make me laugh.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are safe and somewhere pretty. 

“Okay, what do you feel?”
“I feel love. It’s about love."

Still Alice