It's been 3 weeks and 3 days since my mother took her last breath. 3 weeks and 3 days. It seems like yesterday, it seems like never.. none of it is making sense in my head. I am struggling. I miss my mom. Is she really gone? She can't be gone! Yet this hole and aching in my heart tells me she is gone. Where is gone? I don't understand. It wasn't suppose to happen like this. I knew we did not have all that much time, but it wasn't suppose to happen like this. Not yet! She was never suppose to be sick in the first place. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I spent 6 days trying to soak in as much of her in as I could. I held her hand, her heart. I brushed her hair and washed her face and kissed her a million times over. I'd snuggle in the bed with her and just soak her in. I knew this was the end and I wanted to soak all of her up to get me through. It's been 3 weeks and 3 days and I miss everything about her. Her touch. Her scent. Her eyes. Six days of soaking her up didn't even get me through one week... how am I suppose to get through more?
My mind keeps playing tricks one me. One second I believe it.. the next it's not real. Then when I think about the reality of it, I feel the loss all over again. And over again. And over again. Like I keep getting sucker punched. She's gone. She's not coming back. I find myself making deals with God to bring her back. Bring her back sick. I don't care. I'll take care of her. I'll move her in and care for her. Just to see her face and feel her touch and let her know how very much I love her. Everywhere I go in my house I am reminded of her being there. Being there in that house when we were younger.. happier times... and being there sick with me on the days we spent together. Caring for her. I keep getting these flashbacks of everything. Childhood memories... the latter years memories of caring for her sick and then those last 6 days. I can't get them out of my head. I watched her die. I never truly thought about her actual death. I guess I always assumed she would just close her eyes and pass. That is not what happened.
And yet time does not stop. It should. The world keeps going and people keep on living their lives. Back to work, back to household chores and duties.. back to life... except my life feels nothing like before and I just want to scream! I go through the motions. Care for the kids, work, activities.. I feel like I am in this fishbowl and everyone is just watching me and expecting me to be fine. Fine because they don't know how to handle me if I am not. So I try my best to act fine. I am not fine. I am crumbling and broken. I want to cry at the drop of a dime. I want this to be a nightmare. This can't be real. She's my mom. I need her. I feel like I have mono. Everything hurts. Physically hurts. Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore. I do it... but it's a chore. Showering, makeup.. some days I do it, some days I don't. I'm operating in zombie mode. I can't sleep at night because all I do is think of her. Those 6 days. If she knew how much I loved her. How much I appreciated her. Why couldn't I have told her when she was well enough to understand?
During the sleepless nights I find myself googling "heaven". My faith is supposed to comfort me. It doesn't. Im trying.. really... but I am not comforted. Heaven is suppose to be beautiful and peaceful. Yet, it is just our spirits. How do I hug my mom when it's my turn to be a spirit? How do spirits hug? I just want to hug her. I don't get it. Im pretty sure I left my mom at the cemetery. 6 days of touching her warm hands... never leaving her side.. taking shifts with little or no sleep... to then leave her.. not warm... in a cemetery. How can this be? It doesn't make sense. I'm trying so hard to believe that she is ok and at peace and happy in this space unknown. But the truth is... I am so scared of the unknown. I hate the unknown. If she could just tell me she's ok.. and it's beautiful... I feel like I could have some acceptance of this. I just simply can't accept that this happened. This really happened.
I sleep with her robe over my pillow every night. It's so soft. I feel like a child who can't sleep without it. I'm afraid to wash it. It still smells like her. Like those last 6 days. It makes me sad and brings me comfort all at the same time. I use her lotion and wear her ring and think about her every second of every day. I am frantically looking for an "I'm ok" sign from heaven. A penny.. a butterfly.. something. Anything. I obsessively listen to 70's lite rock because I can hear her singing every song like she did when we were kids. I can hear her voice literally singing. Is she the one playing these certain songs for me? Is it coincidence? Is it her? Is it me just trying to make some connection and really there is none?
3 weeks and 3 days... where do we go from here? God, Mom... I just miss you so much!
Hi Kerri
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Lisa's and am sitting here reading some of it. I feel your pain and wish I had words of wisdom to help you through this time. My Mom died on Feb. 10th of this year from this horrible disease and I wish I could say time heals all heartbreak but just reading your blog has brought it all back for me. I had my Mom at home with me for the last 7 years and was her only caregiver except for one exceptional lady named Lyndsay who was there while I went to work from Monday to Friday. This journey that you took with your Mom will be one of the hardest things that you will have done in your life and as time goes by you will be happy that you were there for her when she needed you the most. It sounds like your Mom had sundowning episodes and these are truly cruel. I had to live through 9 months of this for about 3 hours each day and this is the hardest to forget. Just know even though it looked like your Mom and sounded like her it was the disease not her saying this. This will not come right away but eventually it will get easier. I was with my Mom for the last 4 days that she was dying and it is the hardest thing I have ever done but I am glad I was there to help her take her final journey. And yes she is back to her old self the one that worries about you and makes you laugh till you pee your pants and loves you unconditionally like you did with her. Right now you are heart broken and you will be that for a long time I still am but know that it gets easier it still hurts but the sun starts to shine again and you laugh more. The one thing that heart broken people need to do is talk about it and don't be afraid to talk to your friends as they will see you through this time. You have been grieving for a very long time and as you said it is so hard to do while they are still with us. There is a program that I went to and was at when my Mom died and it was offered to me by my very good friend who is also a social worker at the unit my Mom was on for the last 7 months of her life in the hospital and it is called the Grief Recovery Method and I was unsure but it really helps. Go see the movie Heaven is for Real I watched it in May on my Mom's birthday and it is good, it made me feel better I already believed but it just made things feel a little better. I am sending you the biggest hug, can you feel it? Just know that your Mom is hugging you every time you need it and even when you don't think you do she is watching over you as only a Mother can. Hugs Carol
Hugs to you Carol and my sincerest condolences. Thank you for your words. I can tell how special you are just from reading them. I greatly appreciate the time you took to comment and please know it has given me some comfort. xo
DeleteHi Kerri
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? Drop a line if you have a minute. Hugs Carol