I came across this picture today and it made me catch my breath. This picture was taken almost seven years ago. It was the day after Layla was born. We were so happy! Thrilled to have a healthy baby girl after everything poor Hannah went through as an infant! Look at you! So beautiful! Four generations right there. It was only seven years. I truly believe this is what you would look like today if you didn't get sick. I look at this picture and think, "How can you be gone?" You had so much living to do. You should be here, Mom. I need you here. I hate everything about this stupid disease. What it did to you.. To us. Did you know? Did you know this is what you had? I wanted to tell you so badly! Selfishly, I wanted you to know so that we could talk. I wanted to say things to you while you understood. I wanted to hear things in return. Your ring broke today. Thankfully I was able to find the stone. I'm hoping it can be fixed easily. I feel naked without it. I've worn it every day since you left. I'm lost mom. Truly lost without you. I really would do anything just to have a conversation with you. I know I'm almost 40 but I still need your guidance. There are so many things I want to ask you. Nothing feels right without you. I love this picture of you because this was the mom I knew. Always so pretty.. stunning...those pants.. how you loved those pants.. they said so much about you. I miss you mom... I don't want to do this without you. I feel like nobody understands. It's like everyone expects me to be my old cheerful self. No one knows how to handle me. Friends call and ask why I sound down and I get so angry. Why do you think I sound down? It's only been 6 weeks.. and every moment is still consumed with missing you. I feel like I want to scream at them.. MY MOTHER DIED! Don't they get it? Don't they understand? Life didn't go back to normal for me. I am still trying to maneuver these new streets without you. Nothing feels right or normal and I am not sure if it ever will. I miss you so much Mom. Please send me a sign... I love you.. always and forever.
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