Is it even possible since my mother is still technically alive? But I do. I miss her so much and have come to the conclusion that I lost my Mom 2 years ago. The new woman, is just a shell of what was once there. A delicate, fragile, sad shell of what once was a vibrant, talented, energetic, sophisticated, funny, beautiful, caring woman. I miss my mom. Three months ago I somehow made the transition of learning to love this new woman called "Mom". The past 6+ years have been filled with auto pilot and taking care of her in a way I never thought I would have to at this age. I managed to push those feelings down and just go. Many times in those past 6+ years I would get frustrated with mom for not knowing how to do certain things or for yelling at the kids even though I knew it was the disease and not my mother doing those things. Try telling that to your brain when she's screaming at your kids for doing nothing wrong. I am no longer frustrated. That frustration has vanished and been replaced with pure and utter sadness. I miss my mom.
This whole process of grieving someone who is still technically alive is so consuming and painstakingly overwhelming. My mind keeps wandering back to the days when I could see her smile and hear her laughter and listen to her laughing her pants off about some prank she played on a friend or some mischief she and her friends would get into. Now, only a handful of friends visit her. I miss hearing her curse like Mikey because it was so unbelievably funny coming out of her pure and innocent mouth. I miss hearing her voice and I miss hearing her advice. I miss her smiles. I miss how stressed she would get before the gazillion dinners and parties she would put on and I miss seeing that look of accomplishment when each and every event was a success. I miss her hugs and I miss her always telling me that it was all going to be alright. Now that's the sentence I say to her on a daily basis. "I'll take care of you Mom, you're safe. Don't you worry, I am here." I didn't want this job at this age and I'll never understand why God gave it to me. I'll never to the day I die understand how this dreadful disease can be placed on a family and how you are supposed to find the silver lining. This disease is a slow torture on both the victim and the people who are helpless in all aspects. It takes everything but most of all it takes your heart.
Consuming; The best way I can describe the constant thought process that runs through my mind almost 24 hours a day. Excerpt
She's so skinny. She's so skinny. She'd go nuts if she actually knew how thin she was if she was in her right mind. Is she going to keep losing weight? Is this how it is going to end? Will we have to watch God take her piece by piece just like we have these past years? Organ by organ? Abnormal echo cardiogram? Is that it? Is that how we will "lose" Mom? Silently? How much more time is left? When will she stop walking? God does she know how much I love her? Does she know that here I sit, in her same shoes, raising three children and trying to hold down a full time job while developing my passion for photography.. does she know how I appreciate her? I never told her then. I never did, did I? And here I sit realizing that she did so much for us and we expected so much and she just did did did. Why didn't I tell her? I wish I could tell her! Always sacrificed herself and her happiness to make Dad and us kids happy. She did it all and she did it effortlessly. Always perfect. Straight A club president The kids... dammit the kids will never know how full of life she was. They will only know this sad shell of a woman. The sick Nonnie who has no rememberies. But she's going to get better Mom, right? Sure darling, she'll be okay. NO NO NO she wont. She's dying dammit she is dying and there is not a goddamn thing we can do about it but sit back and watch while she takes pieces of us with her. Dad. What are we going to do with Dad? A broken man. I've never seen our rock so broken. He's crumbling. He's angry. He now walks with his head hung and his shoulders rounded. Weight of the world. He can't fix this. It kills him that he can't fix this. His eyes aren't happy anymore. That was what I always loved about him most. His happy eyes. They are gone. His tears. They sting our hearts. How are we going to get him through this? I have to be strong. I have to be the one to hold it together. I can. No I cant. Am I going to sleep tonight? Probably not. Here comes Layla.. she's going to see my tears.. hurry up get it together.
The days are getting harder and harder. I am trying my best to spend as much time with her as possible. It is hard now that the visiting has to be done at her house. The kids have a tough time. It's only going to get harder and the thought of it sends me into panic attacks. I don't know how much time is left, but my heart and gut keeps telling me there isn't much. So our time is filled with cuddles and reassurance that I won't leave her and that I love her. A million times over.
My biggest regret? Not telling her how much I love her and how I appreciate everything she did in my life to make me the person I am today. She was a one woman show with my dad working so many hours when we were kids. I have so much adoration and appreciation for the way she plugged through and raised us. I wish I could have said this to her when she understood. When she could hear my voice. When I didn't have to say it with tears and regret. Her beauty will always shine bright in my heart and when all is said and done.. I will dig deep and find comfort in knowing that she is present in me.. because she made me the mother I am today...
I love you Mom. I miss you Mom... Happy Mother's Day Mom... and ... thank you...
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