62 was just too young

 

Mom-  it's been 6 weeks since you took your last breath.  I can't believe 6 weeks have gone by without me seeing your face.  How is this suppose to get better?  Where are you?  Can you see me?  Are you ok?  I look back upon those 6 days and wonder how on earth it all happened.  Did it really happen?  How did I function because functioning now without you is so hard.  I keep looking for signs and can't seem to find any.  I have nightmares not dreams.  I'm not at peace with this.  I look through my phone pictures and see you and I can't help but be angry that you are not here.  You were my buddy... Sick and all.  We'd have a tough day and then you'd give me that look and we'd end up dancing in the kitchen.. Happy.  I'm so grateful for those times but I wanted more.  We should have had more.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I feel like everything I do is with thoughts of you.  I took the kids to the library today and found myself searching for a book.  I pulled one out and saw the title and picture and took it because it reminded me of you.  I'm sitting here looking at it wondering if I'll be able to open it and read.  The only thing I've read these days are books about grief and grieving.  No matter how you spin it.. It sucks.  Period.  I can't fall asleep at night because I keep thinking of those 6 days and I feel like I'm getting repeatedly sucker punched.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  It's like I'm forcing myself to be okay on the outside while my insides are falling apart.  Then there are those fleeting times where I feel happy.  With the kids... About the upcoming school year... Then those moments pass and I feel it all over again.  I went back to photography this week.  Quite frankly because I need the money.  I have no energy or desire but I'm trying.  I'm trying to do the things I did before you died yet nothing feels right.  Work at the office sucks.  You should be there.  You were always there.  Nothing is right without you!  I'd do anything to have you back even just for five minutes.  I just need to talk to you.  Feel your hug and see your face.  I'm still in disbelief that this happened.  That you're really gone.  I remember everything about you.. Your mouth, your beauty mark, your birthmark on your thigh, your hands, your nails....how can I never see these things again?  God I hope you are happy and safe and somewhere pretty.  Please just send me a sign.  I love you Mom.  Always and forever.