I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

Suffering from insomnia these days, affords me a lot of time to "think".  Night time always seems to creep up on me and as tired as I am, sleep does not usually come easy. "Thinking" time for me can go either one of two ways, it can either be the start of my own demise or it can provide me a profound sense of counting my blessings.  I like it best when it goes the latter as getting too wrapped up in my own head is never very good for me.  Last week, I found myself in complete silence for quite some time.  For those who know me, I don't do silence.    Three kids usually does not afford me this "luxury" and when the silence creeps in, I'm left alone with my thoughts.  Insert the insomnia here.  Being that I am working very hard at being the master of my own destiny, a skill that certainly needed some brushing up on, I concentrated my thoughts on all that surrounded me.  As I sat and thought, the blessings began to surface.  At the forefront... this AMAZING group of friends I have.  Somehow along the way of this thing called "life", I've managed to surround myself with quite the group of loving, caring, funny, eccentric, kindhearted people.  I'm not sure how I got so lucky!  I sat and thought about the events of the week.  I started my weekend with my high school clan.  The 6 of us.  Moments where all 6 of us are together are special and rare and yet, there we were catching up like old times.  Our lives taking on all different directions and leading us to different states, but not a single one of us didn't relish those few short hours, all together to celebrate a milestone birthday.  At the forefront of our friendship, love.  40 years has seen us through trials, tribulations, losses and achievement and doted in our older and wiser bodies, we have this new found appreciation of the deep love that exists between us all.  Perhaps it's the tight squeeze hug, the all too knowing glance or the barrels of laughter exchanged between us.. but I do believe the mere sense of each of us trying to portray to each other, how much we truly love one another and how appreciative we are for our friendship is always forefront.  Possibly, we are much wiser now due to the life experiences we've had?  I think back to the trivial heartache we all shared in high school and fast forward to now and there isn't a single one of the 6 of us that hasn't experienced a true loss.  Life is fleeting.  We have learned that lesson the hard way.  So delved in appreciation I pray that the 6 of us have many more cherished moments all together.  I'm so proud that our friendships have stood the tests of time and that throughout the chaos of life, we can still sit amongst each other and have our "Now and Then" moments. Life is happening now.  Let's not wait too long before our next rendez vous ladies!

Then there are my girls.. Shannon and Sandy.  Shannon and I go way back.. as far back as dancing school can take us.  Most days she is my saving grace.  She can talk me out of my head like no other and most nights, is up right along side of me texting away.   When I think of Shannon, the words "honesty" and "loyal" always come to mind.  She is brutally honest and I say this in a good way.  If ever there were a person who needed this in her life, it'd be me.  Don't sugar coat, give it to me straight.  I like that much better.  It's real and it does not leave these gray areas to analyze.  Shannon and Sandy both knew my week would be filled with silence and decided to make sure I didn't have too much time to myself.  From bookings to Sandy making dinner, my days and nights were filled.  Yet, I couldn't mention Shannon without mentioning laughter either.  Quite possibly the best thing about our friendship (aside from our deep, meaningful conversations) is the laughter between us.  It sometimes becomes a competition between us who can make each other laugh more.  Shannon always wins hands down because sarcasm is a gift that I was not born with.  The nights we spend laughing are always my favorite.  I remember writing an essay senior year in High School.  We had to write about ourselves and our beliefs.  The final line of my essay was that "looks fade, time passes, too many goodbyes are said, but if you spend the time laughing in this life, I assure you no regrets will be had when it's your time to say good bye.  I believe that laughter can cure the world.  In the end.. I did it My Way."  Hmmm maybe I was a bit of a smarty pants back then because I still believe this to be true.  What feeds your soul more than laughing?  I'm grateful to have this gift in my life especially with Shannon.  She's always there.  Always.

And if by chance I should find myself with a split second of down time, I get the "Alyson" text.  No way, no how is she going to sit by and let me get all up in my head either.  She won't have it.  "Dinner will be ready at 5:00.. bring your tap shoes."  Al-O and I have been friends since birth.  Literally.  There isn't much we haven't been through together and oh how I enjoy our nights and the calmness they bring.  I think what I like best is how I don't have to think around Alyson and Adam.  I can just be.  Tune the world out and rank on the newest reality tv show out there (which most of the time I have never seen).  Being around Alyson reminds me of our childhood, Mom and Debbie times.. The good ol' days.  She too, brings this element of laughter into my life.  There isn't a time I don't spend with her that doesn't result in some type of wheezing, gasping laughter and usually some sort of video exposure.  She is pretty much the only other person besides Shannon I can be completely dead on honest with and she loves me just the same and celebrates my uniqueness.  How very lucky am I?  Oh my dear friend, how excited I am for you to be embarking on this new chapter in your life.  Motherhood.  

I could sit here for days and write about the amazing group of friends in my life.  Truthfully I could.  I'm fortunate and I am so blessed to be surrounded by such good people in my life that help to stifle the quiet times.  I'm doing much better at taking a breath, appreciating and honoring the relationships that I do have.  Life is too fleeting not to.

Mom, I found your robe last night.  I had put it in a safe place when the house fell apart and then forgot where that safe place was.  I needed it last night.  It still smells like you.  I fell asleep with it over my pillow.  How I wish I had you here to talk to.  So many things I want to say to you.  So many things I need to hear from you.  I wish more people would bring you up.. talk about you.  It's like no one wants to bring you up because they know it hurts, but it hurts not bringing you up either.  I need to hear the stories and I need to hear your name.  I don't want to forget a single moment.  I get so afraid I'll forget.  Most of all, I just miss our mother daughter friendship.  There are those moments that still sharply take my breath away.. the moments of disbelief.  The clock keeps ticking.. time keeps going.. you're still not here.  I love you, I hope you are safe and somewhere beautiful...xo