Love That Mama Drama: Reflections of a year gone by

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Reflections of a year gone by

I knew this week was going to be tough for me, but I had no idea how depressed I would really be. I dont even know why I get like this, but I do and I need to accept it, that's all there is to it. Layla Grayce is turning one. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that she is a happy and healthy little baby girl and I will totally cherish watching her and all the new and exciting things she will soon discover as she continues to grow. Yet, I am sorely going to miss the infant stage. For some reason, I am so attached to that infant stage! I pray that I am blessed to be able to have another miracle or two, but one can never tell what life has in store for you (and how much convincing I have to do for Billy to give it a go!) and this too, has been eating away at me.

With Hannah, this milestone was different for me. I was actually relieved for her to turn one. Turning one for Hannah meant that she was going to be okay. That she was that much older and more capable of being and staying healthy. It also meant that she was to come off the prednisone and I could stop giving her injections twice a day. That in itself, was a celebration. Han was so sick as an infant that her turning one was truly a milestone. She had made it, she survived.. and she was going to be okay.

My water broke at 34 weeks with Hannah. She was delivered a tiny peanut (5lbs 2 oz) at 35 weeks. I was certain that the second time around I was going to go early again. Not as early as I did with Han.. but still early just the same. The doctor pretty much infused this in my head as well and that's when the head games began. My parents were in Italy during weeks 38 & 39. I was pretty devastated thinking that I was going to give birth while they were in another country. I prayed that I would go early so that Layla could be born before they left. When that didnt happen, I prayed for her to stay in just 2 weeks longer! Then we came to September 30th, my due date. My parents were due to arrive home and I thought for sure, today was the day. I had all the signs.. hell I had all the signs starting at 36 weeks. Contractions and the whole nine yards. Yet, September 30th came and went, and Layla never came. Each day after that was just a tease. I honestly felt great physically but emotionally, I was a wreck! My 2nd and third trimesters were actually wonderful and I really got to enjoy them (the first trimester I spent praying to the porcelain god and taking 2 trips to the ER for IV fluid). This though.. this waiting and wondering totally did me in. I did everything I possible could to try and make her come out but to no avail. Looking back, this all makes sense, as this ravioli is still a cuddle bug and loves to be held and kept cozy warm in your arms.

The days came and went, and still no Layla. I remember taking Mountaindale Road (The bumpiest road in town) to the office trying to get things started. I bounced on my yoga ball and skipped rope. I even heavily contemplated taking Skip's truck for a spin thinking it might help. Nope.. Layla was content where she was. Doesnt this all make sense now? Hannah wanted out and she wanted out fast.. she is still the same way to this day! Layla, well she is just content where she is!

I remember having a tough time thinking about how I was going to love another baby as much as I did Hannah. Han and I had gone through so much together. She was my miracle baby. We were connected on such a different level than most. She had my heart. How was there room enough to love another as deeply as I did her?

Then the day came for me to meet my miracle #2. Finally, I was calm. Again, I had an easy go of it. I know I am lucky. On October 5th, 2007, I was scheduled to be induced. The hospital was a mad house and they tried to send me home. At 41 weeks, I was not hearing it. After much ado, I was sent up to my room around 6:45AM. Pitocin was started around 7:15AM. Labor started immediately. I wanted to do it so badly without the epi. I dont know why, I just did. I was definitely hanging in there, I was doing it. Then she checked me and I was only 4 cm's dilated at 12:15PM. Five hours and I had only dilated half a centimeter, if that. Hell, I knew I had to be realistic and I asked for the epi. It was 12:30PM when I received it. By 1:00PM I was feeling good and then by 1:20PM, I knew it was time! Something about the epi makes me dilate right away. (Stamp this on my forehead if I am blessed with a next time!) I started pushing at 1:30PM. Right away she began her decent. If it hadnt been for her big ol' noggin she would have been out in 2 pushes! However, by 1:37PM I met my miracle #2.

For me, there is nothing like the birthing experience. I know that some women are anxious about giving birth and some fear it. Not me. I compare it to what one must feel when parachuting out of an airplane or bungee jumping. The ultimate high. The most exhilarating feeling I will ever experience and I got to experience it twice. It is my high. The moment they placed my baby in my arms, I knew that most certainly, my heart was big enough to love both of my girls. She was perfect. Trust me, Billy checked her twice for birthmarks. She cried for an instant and then stopped as soon as I held her. There is just nothing in the world like this moment. She was mine and at 8lbs 7 oz's and Layla-Grayce Viola had entered the world!

How did the time go by so quickly? Where did this year go? How is it possible that my Layla Grayce is turning one? I shake my head is disbelief. I know that I will snap out of it and like I said, I will most certainly enjoy all the new things she is about to discover. If there is one thing I can look back and say, it is that I know never to take a moment for granted. I try and live each day by this rule as I know how precious time really is. That being said, I will end here and catch a moment to stare at this sleeping ravioli laying beside me. I'm taking in the moment. One breath at a time. It's almost your big day baby girl.. it's almost your big day!