Self Reflection

I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder.  Actually, I think I went to bed with it last night.  For some reason, I just got this overwhelming urge to change my life in ways I have always wanted to but have never managed to succeed in.  This surge of a feeling that I want to fix all the things I have always wanted and bring ME back.  I miss ME.  ME somehow got lost amongst the shuffle of being a mother, a wife, a coworker, a daughter, a sister, a maid, a taxi cab, a cook, a caretaker and a house cleaner.  I know ME is in there, but it is going to take some work, a lot of digging out and a lot of self reflection to find her.  I feel like I am in one of those Where's Waldo maps.  You know he is there, you just have to search to find him. 

I told Billy before I went to bed that there are things that I need to change.  That I don't want his support and I won't talk about it again, but that I would be searching and doing everything possible to get ME back.  I don't mean to sound harsh or rude about not wanting his support.  Aside from Billy not being this big supportive, "Wow you're doing great!" type of person, I also didn't want it to be another excuse on my part.  "Well Billy didn't support me so that is why I failed."  (Does that make sense?)  I want to do this on my own.  FOR ME, BY ME.  I feel like it is going to be a little journey to find myself again and that is ok.  I recognize that it is something that will take time and not just happen overnight.  What do I hope to gain from my travels?  I hope to find that person that once had inner peace and who was proud of herself.  Who had self worth and self respect.  That fun loving, carefree, giggle toes of a person.  The one who loved who she was and not the one who can't stand to be in her own skin.  I know for certain that if I can dig this person back up, all else will fall into place.  I know it.  I want to provide the best atmosphere for my children, husband and family.  I'm tired of the monotonous, boring routine we have found ourselves in.  Life is too short.  I want to make it the best it can be.  I am determined to make it the best it can be.  I want to be the best mother and the best wife I can be.  So herein lies the challenge.  I'm up for it, I am determined.  I am just praying that I can find the will power and self discipline it takes.  Here goes nothing.

Aside from this revelation, I've got a Layla bug who is under the weather.  She has a temp of 103 and is quite congested.  She is also extremely MISERABLE.  The poor bug is completely put of character.  She wouldn't even let me put her down for five seconds yesterday to stir the meatballs.  Hopefully we can get her on the mend so she can go back to school on Wednesday.  Hannah thankfully, is starting to feel better and is back to sleeping better as well.  Her attitude, well.. it's gotten slightly better... but we are going to have to work on that.  Let's just say she gave me so much trouble with a shirt she wanted to wear today.  She has these crazy vices with articles of clothing.  She swore the sleeves werent buttoned properly even though I told her a bazillion times they were.  She can't stand the feel of things.  I found her in the drawer trying to tape the sleeves.  Yes, folks.. she is quite the determined little bugger.  After 20 or so minutes of a meltdown, she came over o me and had me button them the same way I first did and then she walked away happy. Sound like anyone else I know?  I'm going to make an appointment for the both of them to go to therapy! LOL  I kid, but it is actually on my list of things to do!  Cam man is still kicking strong over here.  We have dubbed him the one man wrecking machine.  Currently his favorite food is cottage cheese and he will scream MORE MORE MORE every time I open the fridge and he sees the container.  He wants it and he wants it now and he lets you know.  He is a riot.  I could eat his face off.  I can't believe how much he understands what we say.  I can tell him to go pick up his toys and he will.  I can tell him to go get his cup and he will.  He knows exactly what we are asking him to do.  He is also a big fan of brushing his teeth.  He often goes in the bathroom, grabs the stool and yells, "BREEF BREEF"!!!  I have to put several slabs of toothpaste on his Scooby Doo tooth brush before he is ultimately satisfied.  I still can't believe how quickly this is all going by with him!

The twins are doing great and are actually breathing on their own.  MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!  Please continue to keep them in your prayers so that they may grow and come home in a month or so!  THANK YOU!

Stay tuned.. for the new ME!

Love these bubble toes!



So very precious!!!

Blessings! :)

Loving on the beans

This week has totally come in and saved the day!  We had a GREAT week and I am so thankful and so blessed to have enjoyed many little miracle moments with these beans of mine.  The week prior had been a bit of an adjustment with taking three kids to work and making it work for all of us.  Add in just a few other responsibilities and my lack of patience got the best of me.  Not this week.  This week ROCKED!  Maybe it was because the week was centered around my Meatball's 7th Birthday or maybe it was because I am now in a routine.  Either way, it rocked and I'm grateful!


Hannah had such a great week and she has been on her best behavior!  Thankfully because that little girl had been getting a bit of a fresh mouth the week prior.  All of her birthday celebrations were a blast.  From her Makenzie, Arielle sleepover to her Rockin' Roller Skating party.  Baby, Baby, OH was her cake a delight and she could not have had a bigger smile on her face.  This week was full of FUN and we enjoyed every single second of it.  My new routine of getting up at 5:00AM to walk also allowed me to have extra time to get things done (laundry, dishes, etc..) in the morning and therefore I was able to soak up the kids all the more.  I am so not a 5:00AM girl, but I am learning to be.  Now if I can just learn to get my butt in bed earlier I would be all set!


I found time to love on each of these bugs separately this week and it warmed my soul.  From showering Hannah with birthday love and having her crawl into my bed and snuggle up close, to having Layla climb up on my lap so I could sing to her while she hugged and kissed me, to rocking my baby boy and teaching him how to blow kisses... I took the time to take in these moments and realize how special they are.  Have I mentioned that I now have a WALKING baby boy?  He wins the award for being the youngest to walk.  Hannah was 13 and a half months and Layla was 14 months.  What I wouldn't do to freeze these moments in time.  I just keep praying to God that He gives me all the time in the world with my love bugs.  Please just let it stay the way it is.  This world can be such a cruel, cruel place.  If you turn on the news there are horrible, awful stories of horrible, awful things happening to children.  If you you follow any of the same child cancer blogs that I do, you see that there are too many parents dealing with the cruel loss of a child or watching their child suffer and all they can do is watch helplessly.  These awful things happen to good people.  Good people who cherish their children.  I'm not naive to know that I am safe from any of this.  I just pray that the Lord keeps us all healthy and keeps my blessings safe from any harm.  They are my life.  My world. I don't exist without them.  Sometimes you have to remind yourself that the best gifts you have, are right in front of your face.  I use the blogs I read about these cancer warriors to keep me grounded and remind me of this. 

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

Taking it all in

The summer has officially begun and we are rolling with it.  While it truly stinks to have to work this summer as opposed to being on Maternity Leave last summer, we are still finding ways to make it rock!  The girls did AWESOME in their recital, as I knew they would.  I am so in awe of Hannah and how much she has matured this year with dance.  She was front and center in her routines and I was so proud to be watching her every move.  Reliving my childhood.  Layla was a hoot.  That is probably an understatement.  She was so darn cute and her mannerisms during her performance were priceless.  Perhaps the most priceless of all was during the finale when the curtain opened and she was right up front facing backwards.  Once she heard the laughter, she turned around and laughed too.  Then, somehow she spotted Papa and that was it.  She spent the rest of the finale screaming out to him and waving frantically, "HI PAPA!"  Can't wait to receive the video and watch it over and over again. 

After the recital we headed out to lunch with Daddy and then came home to give Cameron a nap and pack the car back up for the beach.  The four of us (Daddy stayed behind) headed down to RCB around dinner time.  The weather was perfect and we were all excited to have the house to ourselves for the weekend.  We got settled in and had dinner on the deck overlooking the ocean.  Hannah and Layla were so rived up though that it took forever to get them settled into bed that evening.Cameron also had a tough time falling asleep which is so unlike him.  I worried that he had an ear infection.  Finally after everyone's eyes closed, I went on the deck and enjoyed some "me" time.  I listened to the roaring waves crash and I made my wishes amongst the glowing stars.  How I love the beach at night.  It's so peaceful and calming for me.  Cameron woke up crying and I rocked him on the deck for an hour.  He just nestled in my arms and would look up at me and flash me a smile every now and again to show me that he loved me.  God I love him. 

We spent Sunday on the beach before Daddy came to meet us and we headed over to Galilee.  We ate at George's, one of my favorite places and while we ate outside I began to get sad over the vacation I was missing.  My favorite Block Island vacation.  It just wasn't in the cards this year since we had taken our Disney vacation in February.  There are so many of us now that we would have needed our own place, but RATS how I wish we were out there.  This was the first summer in over 10 years that we haven't taken our week's vacation there.  I decided to see if I could make a ferry reservation for a day with the car.  Low and behold, there were Monday spots available so we decided to head to our favorite Island.  We gave Miss Julie Moolie fresh tears upon us running up to the deck to surprise her for the day.  It was the medicine we surely needed and we managed to jam pack our day with all the things we usually do during the entire vacation week.  From the beach, to the playground, to Star Market for our Croc's and sweatshirts.. we fit it in and Mommy even got to have her Banana Mudslide at Champlins!  It was the PERFECT day and we all soaked it up as much as possible.  It was hard to leave and hard to say goodbye to our family and chosen families.  We did with some tears shed, but at least we were able to see our favorite Island for just one day.  We've begun a fund for next year so that we may rent our own place and be back where we belong.  Hannah has already made $10 and has put it in an envelope to contribute.  She'll go to ask for something in a store and then say, "Oh no, forget it Mom, We'll save that money for Block Island."  Poor bug..she is really missing her favorite place.

After leaving the beach house Tuesday morning and heading to work for the day, we had Mr. Nicholas's 7th Birthday Party.  I dropped Cam off with Grammy and we headed to the movie theater.  We partied at Papa Gino's first and then settled into the theater to watch Car's 2.  I LOVED it.  Everyone else said they liked the first one better, but I really enjoyed this one.  Maybe it is because I am so used to girl movies that I get a kick out of little boy's movie's now?  Hmmm???  Anyhow, I loved it and we all had a blast.  Nicholas certainly enjoyed his evening and he LOVED his hockey net courtesy of the Murphy's and Lambrese's.  By this point the kids were exhausted and went to sleep quite easily.

Yesterday we fit in a walk to the park and to Cool Lick's after work.  It felt good to be out and about walking with the kids, even though Hannah complained the entire way.  We've got to get her back into shape for hockey!  I thought the hard play in the park and the long walk would zonk them out, but at one point in the night, Billy and I awoke to the two little princesses in our bed.  I vaguely remember changing Layla's pull-up during the night and practically falling off the side of the bed with no room.  (The good thing about sleeping pills is that you can function in Zombie Land and not remember much.)

Cameron had his 1 year appointment today and he did great.  Well... aside from the fact that he has 5th's Disease.  Common I know and will go away, but there is the answer to his fussiness over the past week or so.  OYE!  There goes our fun filled Holiday Weekend!  lol  I am sure we will still fit in some fun events!  He is 22.5 lbs, at one year and that seems to be the record for the biggest at this age.  Hannah was 20lbs even and Layla was lucky to be 16lbs at this age!  He is going to catch up to her soon.  He did grow and inch, so maybe, just maybe, he will start sprouting up in the height department.  He did excellent with his shots and barely made a fuss at all.  He is just so easy, despite the fact that at any given moment he is into everything and all over the place.  It comes with the age and I wouldn't change a thing.  I love having this baby boy to keep me laughing throughout my days. 


For those of you who don't know, my parent's house is on the market.  There is so much to say on this subject that I am unable to say.  I support my father 100% in this decision because I know it makes sense and is the "right" thing to do.  However, I am not going to lie and say that it isn't breaking my heart into pieces to be faced with losing this piece of my childhood.  I thought there would be more time.  I thought there would be a few more years so that Billy and I would be financially secure enough to buy it.  I am still holding onto a miracle that something will fall into place and we will take up residence where I had the most beautiful childhood any kid could ask for.  I am not ready to say goodbye to this house and the memories that go along with it.  I'd like to hold onto them just a bit longer.  I can't promise you that if someone makes a good offer, I wont try and sabotage it.  Just warning you now.  I'll be the Jan Brady chaining herself to the tree...   Miranda Lambert's "The House That Built Me" has been haunting me all week.  Don't put it past me to do something drastic! LOL  I am not the same goody two shoes I once was for Pete's sake! 

Dear Layla Grayce

If ever a name fit a little girl, it would be yours. Layla Grayce Viola. It's so fitting on so many different levels. When I found out I was pregnant a second time, I was estactic. A chance to hold another little baby in my arms made me deliriously happy. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I felt great the first six weeks of your pregnancy. I even remember running on the treadmill. (The thing that Daddy likes to call a clothes hanger). When week seven came, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was SO sick. The difference this time was that it was more of a violently nonstop vomiting. I would sleep on the bathroom floor and I even remember being so exhausted that I would come home from work, feed Hannah cereal for dinner and put her to bed at 5:30 so I could go pass out. Daddy was working nights at the Westin during my pregnancy for you so at night, I was on my own. I remember that all my stomach could handle then were Cheez-Its. I remember getting so sick that at one point I ended up in the ER dehydrated and they had to give me IV fluid. Thankfully this was all short lived and by week fourteen I began to feel great. By week fifteen I felt better than ever! I'll never forget it! I was energized and glowing. This was when I began to think of names for you. I secretly wanted another little girl to adore and I was determined to find some Shabby Chic crib bedding. One day I came across a website named, Layla Grayce which had the most beautiful crib bedding. That was it! I was in love. I loved the bedding and I loved the name. I had mentioned the name to Papa and he was wild with excitement over it because Laila Ali was currently on Dancing With the Stars and she was his favorite. From there in out he called you Layla and was not open to any other names.  Even though at this point we didn't know you'd be a girl.


Then came ultrasound day and clear as day before the Tech even said anything I could see you were a girl.   I yelled out, "Oh my God it's a girl!"  The tech laughed at me.  You have no idea how excited I was! Hannah was with me and she was wearing her "Big Sister" shirt. We jumped up and down in the parking lot after the appointment. So Layla you were to be, even though Daddy wouldn't agree on your name until a week before you were to be born. Yes, I named you after a website but girl you had the prettiest bedding a little lady could ask for. We'll get back to that bedding in a bit.


Right around this time was when my Mama began to get sick. Mama was such a huge part of my life that seeing her this way was tough. Mama was everything a grandmother should be and more. She was loving and doting and funny and you never left her house without an extremely full belly. She wouldn't hear of it. Her favorite color was purple and she always had adored butterflies. I wanted so badly for her to meet you but sadly she passed away on July 13th 2007. An hour after Hannah's third Birthday. This was the last gift she gave to me, making sure that she didn't leave us on your sister's birthday. This was when I knew your middle name would be "Viola".


Time came and went quickly.  I felt great all summer long.  As week thirty-four came and went I began to get restless.  Nonnie and Papa were leaving for Italy and I was so afraid of them being gone for your birth.  I began to wish for you to come early.  I had in the back of my mind everyone telling me that your second comes even quicker than the first.  It was all a head game because you were staying put.  I fretted for two weeks while Nonnie and Papa were gone that you were going to come.  You didn't.  Your due date of September 30th came and went and Nonnie and Papa returned from their trip and you still were perfectly content to stay warm and cozy inside my belly.  This of course was foreshadowing the fact that you to this day, still love to be curled up in my arms warm and cozy.  As forty-one weeks hit I was done.  Miserable to be exact.  I had several inductions scheduled and twice I got bumped.  Finally, it was time and Daddy and I drove to the hospital at 5:00AM.  We sat for a bit before being put in the room.  They started the Pitocin and right away the contractions began.  I tried to breath through them and walk the floors.  I even used the yoga ball but unfortunately my body wouldn't dilate.  Five hours into it, I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere so I asked for the epidural.  Within 30 minutes, I dilated fully.  The doctor was still nervous because you hadn't dropped.  She made me push and then knew, you were going to come soon.  (All those sit ups helped!)  She cancelled her C-Section with another Mommy and your entrance into this world began.  Just like your sister you were out in 6 or 7 pushes.  You would have been out sooner if it hadn't have been for that big ol' noggin of yours!  They suctioned you and I heard the beautiful cry, just as I had with your sister.  Daddy inspected you from head to toe to make sure you were healthy.  I knew you would be healthy all along but he needed to be reassured.  Then I held you in my arms for the first time.  My beautiful, 8lb 7 oz Layla Grayce Viola.  You were perfect.  Hannah came right in to meet you and hold you.  She adored you from the moment she laid eyes on you.  Grammy, Nonnie, Papa and Julie were there as well.  Here I was, the mother of two beautiful baby girls.  Life could not have been better.

You were such an easy baby.  Although I think that I was jaded from what we went through with Hannah.  You were always smiling, laughing and content.  You fit perfectly into our family.  I remember so many nights curling up with you on the sofa and cuddling you to sleep.  You did end up with a horrific case of baby acne which foreshadowed what was to come with your allergies.  Turned out that that baby acne was eczema and it ended up getting infected.  Steroid cream took care of it and through it all you kept on smiling.  I took you to work with me and you would sit in the car seat on my desk and just watch me do my work.  You hardly made a peep and you soon learned to love your feet.  You were so flexible that we often found you eating your feet.  The summer after you were born, I remember you being thrilled to just sit and eat your feet.  You took two good naps a day, but when it came time to sleep at night, you wouldn't have it.  Here's where the crib part comes in.  You hated your crib.  That beautiful crib with the most gorgeous bedding, you never used.  We tried and tried and tried to get you to sleep in that crib and you wouldn't budge.  We use to blare The Commodores and the sound of Lionel Richie's voice would calm you, but only for a bit and then you would scream.  One night we left you there screaming for well over an hour when finally I said that I couldn't do it.  I scooped you up, put you in my arms and together we fell asleep.  Of course many comments came my way because of this, but I didn't care.  Whatever made you happy.  I had seen how quickly three years had flown by with Hannah and if you were happy in my arms, then in my arms you would be.  Needless to say, cousin Stella is now enjoying that beautiful crib bedding!  Your room was purple with green accents and I loved it.  It fit you perfectly.  You were my purple girl.  I always felt you had a connection to Mama and to this day, you still love purple and you love butterflies. 

At about eight months old I began to give you formula, although you preferred to nurse.  It was around this time that you began to get a bit fussy and you were having trouble sleeping.  By a year old you were having chronic diarrhea.  It was awful.  You would get it so bad that you would get a horrible diaper rash.  It would be so bad that you would actually bleed.  I knew enough from experience to fight to get some answers.  You were in and out of Hasbro and Boston Childrens.  You underwent a battery of tests including colonoscopies and endoscopies, but nothing was conclusive.  You were put on a special formula that costs $50 a can.  You are still on this formula at the age of three.  It turns out you have an allergy to the protein in milk.  You can have some dairy products, but other's really bother you.  This was also the time we found out you were allergic to peanuts.  We had a kids Halloween party here for a bunch of your friends and it turns out that you got a hold of some peanut butter.  We don't even think you ingested it and within minutes you broke out in hives all over your face and arms.  Your lips ballooned and swelled.  I looked over at you and I lost it.  I panicked.  I did not do well under this situation.  I stripped you down and took you outside in the cool air while I called the doctor.  It was mass chaos.  Auntie Jill ran to get you some Benadryl and we dosed you up for the next two days.  I didn't sleep and I kept my eye on you at all times.  It was so scary!  After this incident we found out you were allergic to more than just peanut and milk.  It was also soy, oats, cat and tree nuts as well.  It can be a neurotic feat to try and figure out what you can eat and as you have gotten older, it breaks my heart to deny you food that you want so badly.  You had lost so much weight that it tore Daddy and I apart to look at your tiny little body.  You were skin and bones.  Over the course of the next year with the help of the formula, you did manage to gain some weight.  Yet to this day, you are a tiny bit of a thing.  Tall for sure, but still so darn tiny!  My biggest baby at birth, but the tiniest one now!

I worry about your health a lot.  You are my child that seems to get everything.  When you get it, it seems as though you get it to the max.  You have no immune system.  You are constantly sick and I hate watching you suffer through.  You have also been diagnosed with asthma and there are many nights we spend trying to help you breath.  You have gotten use to your inhalers, but you still wont go near the nebulizer.  We have our habit of doing "This Little Piggy" while we do your inhalers and this seems to calm you.  You constantly have these crazy rashes.  You often get Petechaie as well and that scares me to no end.  You have had several trips to the ER with crazy viruses that wont end.  You constantly get fevers with no other symptoms.  Did I mention how much I worry about you?  I just pray that the Lord watches over you and keeps you healthy.  I am so afraid that your little body won't be able to fight off any serious infection.  I am hoping that as you enter preschool in the fall, your immune system will sustain so that you can enjoy this coming year.  You are so excited about school.  This is going to be tough on Mommy, but I know how excited you are, so I will be strong.

Through it all you have remained my little cuddle bug.  At three years of age you still say, "Mommy, hold you" instead of "hold me."  This is one of my favorite things that you say.  You love to caress my face and play with my hair.  You are my princess.  My girly girl to the core.  You love to dress up and it is very rare for one to see you without a dress or too-too on.  From the time you were a baby I always use to put the foo foo headbands on you and you never took them off.  Now Sarah makes you the big flower headbands and hats and they have become your trademark.  You turn heads wherever you go.  Your presence alone makes people happy.  You are also my photogenic one and are often so agreeable to let me photograph you.  You have the most gorgeous BIG brown eyes that you captivate people.  As you have gotten older you have developed a remarkable sense of humor and often you have Hannah and I rolling in laughter.  The things you come out with are undoubtedly hysterical.  The way you put words together is just hilarious.  Daddy's favorite is "poop dog" instead of "dog poop".  He goes around the house saying it a million times a day.  One of the things I often make the mistake of saying is "Okay my little peanut?"  "Oh no," you say, "I cant have peanuts Mommy... I'm Layla cakes, okay."  You are also the disciplinarian in the house and you are constantly making sure everyone is doing and saying the right thing.  When I do have to punish you, you are always sorry right away and you have no fear in telling me so.  There are so many cute things that you say that brighten my day it would be impossible to list them all.  You are a Mommy's girl for sure and I love every minute of it.  You still like to cuddle with me in bed and although you and Hannah fall asleep together at night, I often get those visits from you in my bed.  Just being in the bed with us is not enough.  You usually have to be right on top of us or curled into the crook of our backs.  You still love that cozy, warm feeling and I love this bond we have together.  You still don't sleep well at night.  I sometimes think it is all the asthma meds that contribute to this.  Yet, I don't really mind because it's at night when I get my Layla time.  The funny thing is that you are a night owl like Mommy.  Yet you hate the mornings.  You hate to get out of bed and take your jammies off.  You prefer to sleep late and stay cozy.  It takes you a bit to wake up and be happy.  I can almost guarantee that you will be a hard core coffee drinker like Mommy!  I hate the mornings too baby girl!  What I wouldn't do to stay cozy in bed surrounded by my three babies!

You have become quite the dancer as well.  Although many times you seem to lose focus and cause a bit of disturbance in class.  When you do pay attention you are ever so graceful and poised.  You are quite dramatic too!  Every move is exaggerated and expressed to the hilt.  I am so looking forward to witnessing your first dance recital next month because I am sure it will be the most adorable event to watch.  I can't wait to see that adorable costume on you!

You adore Hannah and want to be just like her.  Recently, I have watched your relationship flourish.  Although you wear the pants and usually get what you want from her, I see the two of you bonding much the same as Auntie Ju-Ju and I did.  Hannah loves your company and vice versa.  It warms my heart to know that you will have Hannah to walk through life with.  Auntie Ju-Ju and I are the best of friends and I am so glad that you will have this relationship as well.  You also have become a little mother to baby Cameron.  At times you tend to be too rough with him and you have this thing with squeezing his ears, but it is quite apparent how much you love him.  He loves to be around you.  I have a video of you two from a few weeks ago.  You had jumped in his pack n play and began playing with him.  Something you often like to do while we are at work.  You didn't know I was listening but the words you used with him and the way you took care of him melted my heart.  You are such a love bug! 

Like Hannah and Cameron, I could go on and on about the enormous amount of love I have for you.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed by it and my heart could burst.  I am so grateful that you are my cuddle bug because these moments with you are what makes me just adore parenthood.  You bring Daddy and I so much joy you could never imagine.  My Layla cakes.  My little ravioli.  My Layla Grayce Viola... I love you!  From my head to my toes, I love you baby girl! xoxo

Our Song:

Layla

Eric Clapton

(But of course!)

What'll you do when you get lonely

And nobody's waiting by your side?

You've been running and hiding much too long.

You know it's just your foolish pride.

Layla, you've got me on my knees.

Layla, I'm begging, darling please.

Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

I tried to give you consolation

When your old man had let you down.

Like a fool, I fell in love with you,

Turned my whole world upside down.

Layla, you've got me on my knees.

Layla, I'm begging, darling please.

Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind

Let's make the best of the situation

Before I finally go insane.

Please don't say we'll never find a way

And tell me all my love's in vain.

Layla, you've got me on my knees.

Layla, I'm begging, darling please.

Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind



Dear Hannah, Refelctions of 6 and three quarter years gone by

Dear Hannah,

My Hannah Banana, Hannah Banana Meatball...

As your seventh birthday fast approaches, I have been doing alot of reflection on our past seven years together.  I cant believe that seven years have flown by so very quickly.  When I first found out I was pregnant for you I was so scared.  I didn't know what to expect.  I wasn't sure how to be a mother and care for this little being that would rely completely on me.  Of course I always wanted children, but when I first found out there was a baby inside my belly, I was terrified.  I knew from the moment I was pregnant that you would be a girl.  I just knew.  I couldn't help but think that my Memere had something to do with sending you to me.  She passed just before I became pregnant with you.  Almost as if she was sending me this lifeline that she knew I needed.  I was real sick at the beginning of my pregnancy with you.  Constantly vomiting.  I don't know how I made it through work some days but Papa was always there to take care of me and rub my back.  My asthma really kicked up and I was put on prednisone for the remainder of the pregnancy with you. When it came time for ultrasound day and Daddy and I found out you were most definitely a girl, we looked at each other in the car and new for certain that your name would be Hannah.  From that moment on, I referred to you as my Hannah growing inside my belly.  We called everyone we knew and told them the news.  It was at this point in my pregnancy that being terrified began to dissipate and I began to get really excited about how our lives were going to be graced with this little baby girl.  I use to imagine you riding in your car seat in my backseat while we sang songs together.  Dancing with me in your pj's and being able to hold you and rock you to sleep.  Little did I know then that there would be so many more moments of joy with you!

Your entrance into this life was early.  Five weeks to be exact and it was almost six weeks early.  You are always one to march to the beat of a different drummer.  You came quickly and very easily.  I prayed for you to cry and your cry was the first sound I heard when you came into this world.  Being able to take you home on time was nothing short of a miracle.  You were so little though, I was afraid you would break.  You came home at 4lbs 12 ounces.  You fit in the palm of my hand.  None of your clothes fit you, not even the preemie ones.  Yet, here you were this miracle from above, living, breathing and doing wonderful.  You were jaundice at first and I use to place you by the sliding glass door in the sunlight.  You loved it.  You still are my sunshine baby.  I was thrilled to have my baby girl in my arms.  Soon enough, we began to settle into this new life with you.  My Hannah Rose.  (Rose after Grandma Murphy)

No sooner did Daddy and I think we had it all figured out, you became very sick.  It was about 3 weeks after you were born when you turned very fussy.  The pink spots on your scalp began to appear.  The doctor told me they were nothing and not to worry about them.   Yet as the days went on, you grew more and more fussy and inconsolable.  The pink spots became red spots and they grew to double their size and began to raise off your head.  I knew you were sick Hannah.  I just knew it.  But the doctors kept telling me you were fine.  I have so much guilt associated with this time in your life because my whole being knew you were in pain but no one would listen.  I'm so sorry Hannah.  Mommy's so sorry for not protecting you more.  I wish I had fought harder and believed in my Mommy instinct.  I was a first time mother and everyone made me feel as though I were crazy.  I knew I wasn't.  I didn't know how to make the doctors listen to me.  They wouldn't listen.  Your Pediatrician told me that all babies cry and that I should get use to it.  All the while you were in so much pain.  Then came the day when these Hemangiomas began to bleed.  This was by far the scariest moment of your life.  There was so much blood I called the ambulance.  Nothing would stop it.  I was hysterical, you were hysterical.  Daddy made it home from work before the ambulance.  We were so scared.  Yet the doctors still didn't know how to react to you and this "condition" that they said you would grow out of.  They told us to just apply pressure and that these hemangiomas would go away.  Daddy and I were so mad.  We waited one time in the ER for 7 hours to get a surgeon to talk to us.  In the end, he came down and knew nothing.  We went home disgusted.  Time and time again, these Hemangiomas would ulcerate and bleed.  There would be so much blood that it would fill bath towels.  You would scream every time this happened.  You and I slept at half hour intervals.  Sitting up in a chair.  Sometimes I would get you asleep in your swing with a rolled up blanket wedged by your side to keep you from bumping the Hemangiomas.  It was hard to do anything but stare at you worried about when the next bleed would be.  Then I noticed you were having trouble turning your head.  I began to do alot of research on the Internet because the doctors wouldn't listen to me.  I searched and searched and one night I realized that I wasn't crazy.  There were other babies suffering like you with similar conditions.  I made the phone call the next day and switched pediatricians. 

This is when we finally got you help.  I was right Hannah.  You were so sick.  You needed a blood transfusion right away.  You were admitted to Hasbro within hours of meeting Dr. Sowa for the first time.  She and Dr. Pedvis saved your life.  You had these tumors all over your brain.  There was so much pressure built up in your little tiny head.  When I think about the pain you were in it makes me sick.  The doctors in Boston told us that you were a week or two the most away from losing your life.  If we hadn't found you help when we did Hannah, you wouldn't be here.  A thought I wont even let myself imagine.  They said you were in so much pain, especially when the tumors would ulcerate and bleed.  The sheer pressure of the brain fluid built up and unable to leave your brain was also painful.  Your brain stem had a huge tumor on it as well.  You also had a blood clot on your brain.  But you were a survivor.  My tiny little survivor.  You began to heal.  I sat by your bedside in Boston every day.  Everyone came to see you.  Nonnie, Papa, Grammy, Grampy, Auntie Ju Ju, Moppy, Uncle Ra Ra and MiMi, Auntie Lee Lee and Uncle Dan, Auntie Jill and Uncle Dave, Momma and Pa, Auntie Charleen and Stephen, Auntie Paula and Uncle Barry, Uncle Pete and Tammi and I am sure a few more that I cant remember now.  Daddy had a real tough time with your sickness.  He was so upset and stressed that he often would escape and take walks through Boston.  He never really knew how to handle your sickness and I think he was so scared that he would just give us space.  He loved you though.  So very much.  He was just so scared to lose you.  Everyone loved you so much that they drove up to Boston to visit with you and give you love.  Every day I sat by your bedside and watched you get better.  I learned how to administer your injections and give you all of your meds.  Soon enough, my little tiny peanut grew and grew.  The steroids made you very swollen and very chubby.  Yet, you were the most adorable chubby baby I have ever laid my eyes on.  The steroids also made you very, very cranky.  You didn't sleep much and for most of the first year of your life I would sit in a rocking chair and just rock you.  Daddy and I would take turns pushing you around the house in an umbrella stroller.  We use to do laps and count them and try and beat each other.  I hated giving you the shots and seeing you bruise right away.  But I knew it was what would make you better and better you did get.  My fighter.  By the grace of God there was no brain damage and our repeat MRI's told us you were on your way to a full recovery.  At a year old, I administered your last injection and gave you a last dose of prednisone.  By far the best Birthday present ever.

The rest is history baby girl.  You grew and grew and grew and stayed healthy with the exception of your constant ear infections.  You were full of spunk and you always kept everyone laughing.  You were a spitfire.  Defiant to the core.  You still marched to the beat of a different drummer and you always wanted to do things your way.  You loved to dance.  Still do.  Daddy and I took you everywhere and did everything with you.  You walked at almost 14 months and there was no trying behind it.  You just decided one day you were going to walk and you did it.  Walked right across the room with Ant Denise watching.  I'll never forget it. You were stubborn.  You were so strong.  You were determined.  When I use to try and discipline you, you would put yourself in the corner before I could because you weren't going to do it because I asked you to.  You were going to do it because you wanted to. You are still so much the same way.  You loved when I would read you books when you were little.  You still do.  Your favorite was, "Guess How Much I Love You".  I even got you pajamas one Valentine's Day that matched the book.  You loved them.  We never thought that loving each other to the moon was enough.  So we began our own saying of,"To the moon and the stars and back." 

You have so much of your Daddy in you.  I see it every day.  Your strength, your fierce attitude and your bold way of rebelling.  It's your way or the highway and you know what?  There is nothing wrong with that.  It will help you get through this life.  Yet, there is some of Mommy in you too.  Your love for dance.  You are so good at it.  I can't believe the difference in your strength and ability.  Your grace and poise in just a year's time.  Your my water baby too.  Just like your Mama.  You love the beach and pools and anywhere you can swim with your fins.  Unfortunately you got my sensitivity too.  Things bother you easily and your feelings are also hurt often.  Mommy is the same way honey.  Sometimes it can be a tough trait to have.  One day however, you will find the strength and courage to not let things get to you so much.  We are all different people and there is no harm trying to see the good in people.  Sure there will be disappointments along the way, but there will also be many, many good friends you will find by trusting and believing in people.  You will always have Mommy and Daddy by your side to help you through.

I cant believe how quickly these years have flown by.  Here it is almost summer and you are learning to ride your bike without the training wheels!  I remember watching you ride a bike for the first time and I swear it was just yesterday.  You have grown and matured so much.  You are doing so great in school and Mommy and Daddy are so proud of all of your accomplishments this year.  Learning how to read and your artistic abilities too.  You are a jack of all trades and anything you get involved in, you thrive at.  There are so many things that you excel at that I have a feeling you are going to have me driving all over this State!  You want to try everything and anything. 

You are such a huge help to me with your brother and sister.  Cameron loves playing with you and is constantly searching for you so he can flash you a smile.  You are Layla's idol.  She wants to be just like you.  I love seeing how much closer you have become now that she is a little bit older and can interact with you more.  You have always been so kind to her.  Always ready to give up a toy because she wants it and she wants it now.  You always look out for her, especially with her food allergies.  You take care of her so well that sometimes it literally blows my mind.  You are so kindhearted with her and the rest of the family too.  You love making presents and drawing pictures and watching our faces light up when we receive them.  Whenever I ask for your help, you are always right there willing to get whatever it is that I need.  You are really enjoying your new chore chart too which is also a big help to Mommy. 

Hannah I truly could go on forever about you and how very much I love you.  As your birthday approaches and you turn SEVEN, I hope you know how much you have changed my life and made me a better person.  About how you taught me the true meaning of this life and how to appreciate every single second because the clock ticks away time so quickly and things can change in an instant.  I love you my sunshine girl.  My Hannah Banana.  My meatball!  I love you so very much Han.  To the moon and the stars and back baby girl. 

So Amazing

Luther Vandross

Love has truly, been good to me

Not even one sad day or minute since you've come my way

I hope you know, I'd gladly go anywhere you take me

It's so amazing to be loved

I'd follow you to the moon and sky above

 Got to tell you, I'm happy as I can be, how you thrill me

I'm happy as can be

You have come and changed my whole world

Bye Bye sadness, hello mellow

What a wonderful day

It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above

And it's so amazing, amazing, I could stay forever, forever

Here in love and no, leave you never

Cause we've got amazing love

Truly it's amazing, amazing

Love brought us together and I will leave you never

I guess we've got amazing love

It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above

Rainy Wednesdays

I haven't much to report today.  It's one of those rainy days when you wish you could be curled up on the couch with the kids watching a Disney movie.  Layla is in a bit of a mood from not sleeping well last night.  I had them in bed at 7:30 but unfortunately they giggled and played for almost two and a half hours and didn't fall asleep until 10:00.  Thankfully, Hannah seemed okay this morning.  She can be wicked if she doesn't get enough sleep.  Cameron had a tough time going down last night as well.  He is normally my easiest.  I put him in the crib, he curls up with his blankets and goes right out.  Last night however, he needed a little help.  To be honest... I loved it.  I sat and rocked him for a while as he curled up in my arms.  I think I gave him about 1,000 kisses and each time he smiled up at me.  I can't believe this baby boy is 11 months.  Heck, I still can't believe I have a baby boy!

I am feeling a little tired myself.  I think it is these boogie allergies that have me achy and well, drawn out.  My eyes are heavy with dark circles.  I couldn't quite cover up the exhausted look today.  Does anyone have any good products they can recommend?  I've had two coffees and still cant quite seem to snap out of it!

Heading to dance with Hannah banana today and there are only a few more weeks left until recital time.  Today though, will be different because PETE is HOME!  I am so excited for him to see Brenna dance.  I still cant even handle that he is home and staying home.  Praise the Lord that he doesn't have to go back to Iraq.  He is home and he is safe.  I couldn't be happier. 

I was finally able to get through Mommy Maya's post last night.  I waited until I was alone and I sat in bed and read and cried.   There are no words.  No words seem to even come close to the compassion I have for this family and how angry I am that cancer took another child's life.  Please continue to keep this family in your prayers.  http://www.rockstarronan.com/

Stay well my friends..xoxoxo

"I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams.  And that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things.  I'm here for you whatever this life brings.  So let my love give you roots and help you find your wings."  Mark Harris

Mama's been thinking...

Mama's been thinking about some really great ideas on how I can give back to all these children affected by cancer.  A good friend of mine put the buzz in my ear and now, I can't stop thinking about all these wonderful ideas and how great it's going to be.  I just hope I can accomplish what I am meant to do.  I have a feeling that this is what God intended for me.  To give back in this way.  The passion is there, I just need the rest to fall into place!  I have faith. 


After picking Hannah up at school yesterday, we headed to BJ's to get some Mother's Day supplies.  We then spent the rest of the evening finishing Hannah's homework and studying for her spelling test.  We have been working on both of these items all week.  How is it that it still took us 2 hours to finish it?  Boy I am in for it when I have three kids coming home every day with homework!  Praying she got 100% on her spelling test today because she sure studied hard enough for it. 


How did I get so lucky to have these little munchkins in my life?  As I type I am peering over my desk at the pack n play and a peacefully sleeping little man. What is it about sleeping babies that makes me melt? I love this little guy to pieces.

My Layla funny for the day was when we pulled up to McDonalds this morning.  Normally I make her a homemade egg sandwich, but this morning we were out of the supplies to do so.  Apparently just licking the cream cheese off the bagel I made her, didn't quite fill her up enough.  So as I was waiting to pay for an Egg McMuffin, her little voice says to me, "Mama, is this McDonalds?" To which I replied, "Yes, Baby."  To which she replied, "has a farm???"  Seriously.  Could she be any funnier?  The way her mind works just amazes me and sends me into hysterics.  This sweet little voice with all these crazy things to say.  This was her last night after her bath and we had blown her hair dry for the very first time.  Yes, folks, the child is three and a half and this was the first time we felt as though she had enough hair to blow dry!  Major milestone in our house! 

We started a chore chart yesterday evening and I can say as of day #1, Billy and I are thrilled.  I asked both the girls to each come up with three chores a piece and I wrote them on a chart.  Every day if their chores are complete, they will get a sticker for that day.  After 7 days of completed chores, they get a reward.  I let them choose what rewards they would like and we wrote them all down and put them in a hat.  Each week they will pick out a reward from a hat and work towards that reward.  Hannah picked a new pair of flip flops and Layla picked a $5 trip to the Dollar Store.  They got right to work yesterday without skipping a beat.  This morning, not only was their bed made, but mine as well.  Hannah couldn't do enough to please me and it was so very heartwarming.  I love that little booger...always trying to do me proud!

It was almost seven years ago that I became a mother for the first time.  The day that Hannah came into my life was the best day.  The day she made me a mother, will never be forgotten.  I will always carry that memory close to my heart.  As we go into Mother's Day weekend, I couldn't be more happy and proud to be called a mother of three beautiful children whom I love so very much my heart aches!  I always knew that I wanted children.  I wanted a bunch of children.  Yet, I never knew how much they would complete me.  How much they would fill my heart and how much love I could have for them.  I am honored to be their Mother.  I am blessed.  I am thankful to the Lord for giving me these most precious gifts.  To me, there is not greater gift than being a mother and I am forever grateful to have that term apply to me.  My princesses and my prince.. God I love you with all of my being!

I would be remiss if I didn't wish all the wonderful mothers in the world a very Happy Mother's Day!  Mom, I love you.  I love you for so many reasons, but I love you for being you.  I love you because you taught me so much, I could never repay you with my gratitude.  You gave me everything you had.  Every piece of you.  You sacrificed so much to raise us and I will always be so thankful that God sent me to be your daughter.  I will never, ever be able to give you what you so deserve in this life, but I will always be there to give you all of my love.  To my sister, sister in laws and friends, I love you all.  I love being on this Motherhood journey with you.  I love talking, venting and coming up with the best ways to be a mother with you all.  I love trading stories about all the wonderful things our children have done and I love trading stories about the crazy, crazy things they have done.  You make this journey such a fun place to be.  You are all such wonderful friends and phenomenal Mom's.  I am so very fortunate to have you all by my side.  Happy Mother's Day.. all my love xoxoxo

Happy 3rd Birthday Layla Grayce!

Dear Lord where does the time go? I can still remember every little detail about Miss Layla's day of birth and I can't believe it was THREE whole years ago! She is truly such a ray of sunshine in my life. She brings me more laughter than I ever thought imaginable! My snuggle bug, my sidekick, my little princess in all her frills. We had a marvelous day today and I was so happy to be able to have the day off with her! I can't tell you how many people remarked on how adorable she looked in her Cha Cha Belle outfit complete with a brown tutu, matching hat and cowgirl boots! I seriously could just eat this child up! I love you baby girl... Mommy loves you so very much! xoxoxoxo

Off to finish making dinner for the grandparents for her celebration!