It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos. I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them. The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids. Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.
I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get. It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life. When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time. Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride. Like now.
I've been working alot. A LOT. From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off. Don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED to have this step happen. I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future. I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate. I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them. While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs. Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends. My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work. Adding to this is my mother's steady decline. (Sigh)
Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us. We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us. We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease. The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us. From my father, to my siblings to my children. While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.
My kids are getting older. They are aware more. They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease. They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong. Except Hannah. My Hannah knows what's up. She knows. She's so smart. Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time. What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was. Their grandmother. Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do. They get nervous around her, which kills me. We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam. They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box. Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them. Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts. It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go. That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child.. Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape. Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN! For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song. Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time. It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now. I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive.
So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought. Time. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all. My balancing isn't working. I haven't yet learned the word, "No". You think I would have by this point. It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro. Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to get off this ride. I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax. I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family. This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it. So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out. I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.
