Living Life

It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos.  I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them.  The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids.  Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.

I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get.  It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life.  When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time.  Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride.  Like now.

I've been working alot.  A LOT.  From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off.  Don't get me wrong.  I am THRILLED to have this step happen.  I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future.  I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate.  I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them.  While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital  mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs.  Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends.  My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work.  Adding to this is my mother's steady decline.  (Sigh) 

Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us.  We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us.  We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease.  The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us.  From my father, to my siblings to my children.  While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.

My kids are getting older.  They are aware more.  They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease.  They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong.  Except Hannah.  My Hannah knows what's up.  She knows.  She's so smart.  Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time.  What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was.  Their grandmother.  Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do.   They get nervous around her, which kills me.  We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam.  They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box.  Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them.  Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts.  It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go.  That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child..   Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape.  Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN!  For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song.  Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now.  I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive. 

So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought.  Time.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.  My balancing isn't working.  I haven't yet learned the word, "No".  You think I would have by this point.  It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro.  Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to get off this ride.  I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax.  I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family.  This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it.  So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out.  I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.

 

Loving on the beans

This week has totally come in and saved the day!  We had a GREAT week and I am so thankful and so blessed to have enjoyed many little miracle moments with these beans of mine.  The week prior had been a bit of an adjustment with taking three kids to work and making it work for all of us.  Add in just a few other responsibilities and my lack of patience got the best of me.  Not this week.  This week ROCKED!  Maybe it was because the week was centered around my Meatball's 7th Birthday or maybe it was because I am now in a routine.  Either way, it rocked and I'm grateful!


Hannah had such a great week and she has been on her best behavior!  Thankfully because that little girl had been getting a bit of a fresh mouth the week prior.  All of her birthday celebrations were a blast.  From her Makenzie, Arielle sleepover to her Rockin' Roller Skating party.  Baby, Baby, OH was her cake a delight and she could not have had a bigger smile on her face.  This week was full of FUN and we enjoyed every single second of it.  My new routine of getting up at 5:00AM to walk also allowed me to have extra time to get things done (laundry, dishes, etc..) in the morning and therefore I was able to soak up the kids all the more.  I am so not a 5:00AM girl, but I am learning to be.  Now if I can just learn to get my butt in bed earlier I would be all set!


I found time to love on each of these bugs separately this week and it warmed my soul.  From showering Hannah with birthday love and having her crawl into my bed and snuggle up close, to having Layla climb up on my lap so I could sing to her while she hugged and kissed me, to rocking my baby boy and teaching him how to blow kisses... I took the time to take in these moments and realize how special they are.  Have I mentioned that I now have a WALKING baby boy?  He wins the award for being the youngest to walk.  Hannah was 13 and a half months and Layla was 14 months.  What I wouldn't do to freeze these moments in time.  I just keep praying to God that He gives me all the time in the world with my love bugs.  Please just let it stay the way it is.  This world can be such a cruel, cruel place.  If you turn on the news there are horrible, awful stories of horrible, awful things happening to children.  If you you follow any of the same child cancer blogs that I do, you see that there are too many parents dealing with the cruel loss of a child or watching their child suffer and all they can do is watch helplessly.  These awful things happen to good people.  Good people who cherish their children.  I'm not naive to know that I am safe from any of this.  I just pray that the Lord keeps us all healthy and keeps my blessings safe from any harm.  They are my life.  My world. I don't exist without them.  Sometimes you have to remind yourself that the best gifts you have, are right in front of your face.  I use the blogs I read about these cancer warriors to keep me grounded and remind me of this. 

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"