July 14, 2015

I should be better at this by now shouldn't I?  One whole, entire, painfully lonely year.  Without you, Mom.  My emotions are all over the board.  One second I can't breath because I miss you so much and the next I am elated you didn't have to live any longer trapped inside your mind and body.  Then the next second my chest hurts because the pain of missing you is so real.  Physically real.  The tears haven't stopped since Saturday..  but the difference in this passage of a whole year's time is that the memories that keep popping in my head daily now, are usually ones of you well.  I'm relieved for that.  You're well and smiling and happy.. doing all your happy little things in all your happy little places.  Smiling.. smirking.. happy.. peaceful..  It had been so long since I could remember you this way.. barefoot.. puttering in your gardens, chomping on a fresh green bean.. on the beach deck smiling.. swimming in the ocean laughing..   teasing one of us kids in the kitchen.. chasing after us with the wooden spoon.. but forefront in all these memories is your smile.. laugh.. teeth.. lips.. smiling...  silly eyes.  ..  smiling...    I'm so very grateful but my heart is still broken and life will never, ever be the same. 

Mother's Day 2015

“I will remember you, will you remember me…don’t let your life pass you by.  Weep not for the memories.”  Sarah Mclauchlan – I will Remember You

I reread my Mother’s Day post from last year…I’ll leave it at that.  The “Elephant in the Room” feeling started Wednesday.  No, actually it probably started sometime last week.  The emails, Facebook ads, flyers and every piece of literature that came in the mail started the pit in my stomach.  “What to get Mom for Mother’s Day…”  My initial reaction was “How cruel!  Don’t these people know?”  As my pulse calmed I thought and thought… and then thought some more. The new Kerri remembered her motto of trying to focus on the positive.  I forced myself to refocus…  although some days are easier than others and the uneasy feeling continued to grow throughout the week.  It was a hell week to begin with.  A week where each day I was required to be in three places all at once. 

“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?  Just like me, they long to be close to you…”  Carpenters- Close to You

Tuesday evening Hannah had middle school orientation.  Yep.  Let me say that again.  MIDDLE SCHOOL ORIENTATION.  What the CRICKETS!!  How did this happen?  I sat in the same cafeteria I sat at 28 sem odd years ago and watch my first born leave to tour the school.  At the end of the evening, the principal, whom I found to be just wonderful, showed a 4 minute video clip.. it started with an older man in the attic searching through boxes.  He found a box of photo albums and began looking at the photos of he and his wife who had gone on before him.  He came across a journal that his son had written and he never knew his son had kept a journal.  He too, kept a business journal during his life.  He went downstairs to compare the journals.  He opened his to a page where he had written, “Went fishing and didn’t catch a thing all day.  What a waste.”  He opened his son’s journal to the same date and read, “Went fishing with dad,  BEST DAY EVER!” As if I needed an excuse, the tears fell.  I quickly tried to hide them.  Ana caught me and grabbed my hand.  She had tears in her eyes as well.  My twin from another life. 

“Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it.  Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face.  Beam me up.  Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute’s enough.  Just beam me up.”  Pink – Beam Me Up

Wednesday was Cam’s Bright Start art show at Uno’s.  Unfortunately, the night before he gave me quite the scare.  (The positive?  The pit in my stomach about Mom stopped briefly).  He woke up with the croup cough.  Three kids and ten plus years of dealing with croup and I consider myself a pro.  I was in the shower when he came in.  It was late.  Actually it was early.  1:30am early.  I jumped out and grabbed him in my arms and tried to soothe him.  I wasn’t nervous at this point. Remember, I am a pro.  The barking cough continued and I quickly got dressed and laid with him in his bed.  By this point he was pretty worked up and in a matter of minutes, he got worse.  By worse I mean, not only was he coughing like a seal, but on his breaths in, he was making this God awful gasping noise.  Strider (see.. I even know what they call it.  I thank my asthma kid Layla for that.)  I’m still in control.  In my efforts to calm him down, I grab the nebulizer and hook him up. He’s hysterical and the breathing is only getting worse.  The neb does not help.  It’s about now I go into panic mode.  I’m alone.  The girls are sleeping.  Shit, I’m alone.  Did I mention that I am alone?  I turn on the shower hot.. steam, steam will help.  Steam does not help.  He’s getting worse.  I wrap him in a blanket and pray the cool air helps as I run outside with him.  Another failed attempt at helping him and he’s sounding worse as the minutes go by.  It is somewhere around 2am at this point.  I throw my hands up, grab him and run to the kitchen.  I give him a dose of prednisone praying to God that this helps him.  I take him downstairs and prop him in my arms on my bed and soothe him.  My pulse is astronomical at this point but I am still trying to portray a calmness so that he is not scared.  I have the phone in my hand.  My thoughts are as such;  Call the doctor.. call the doctor dammit.  Take him to Hasbro.. forget the doctor and take him to Hasbro. The girls are sleeping.  I am going to have to wake them and throw them in the car as well.  Can I do this on my own?  Of course I can do this on my own.  I do it all the time.  But wait, he needs to be held.. how can I drive and hold him?  Should I call Julie?  Mikey’s away.  I can’t call Julie.  Dad and Rob are away too.  Dammit… call the doctor.  Wait, he’s calming down.  Does his breathing sound better?  Am I going crazy?  I might be going crazy.  The doctor is going to think I am a loon.  I’m going to give it 5 minutes and then in the car we are going…  Those five minutes passed and thankfully, Cam fell asleep in my arms.  I spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and why I was so worked up.  I always remain calm in these instances and Lord knows I have had my share.  For the love of God what is wrong with me??  Sleep did not come for me that night.  The next day the doctor confirmed that yes, a pretty crappy case of croup he did have and more prednisone would do the trick.  The dose I gave him is what saved us the trip to Hasbro…  and he is just fine.  Me, I am obviously losing my ever loving mind, but Cam is just fine.

“It’s been a long day, without you my friend and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began, oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again, when I see you again…”Wiz Khalifa – See You Again
 

 

I got off track here though.  The art show.  As he wasn’t feeling well and had not gone to school, I couldn’t very well just show up.  Yet, this is his last preschool art show.. I need to see it.  I need to have him see me see it.  By mid afternoon he is perking up and I decide to order takeout from Uno’s and sneak in a few minutes before the event starts so we can sneak a peak.  His wonderful teachers allow me to do so and we begin our decent to the back room where the art is set up.  We walk in and then it hits me.  Last year.  Last year we were all there.  We took a picture in front of that art.  My mother in law, Grandmother in law, Cameron, myself and Mom.  Mom was still here. She was here.  Miss Kristen see’s my face and without me saying a word says, “I know.  I thought the same thing.”  She reached out and hugged me.       

“She got the call today, one out of the gray.  And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she couldn’t believe, it could happen to me.  I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.  We’re gonna get there soon.”  Mat Kearney-Closer to Love 

Thursday rolls around and I am jumping out of my skin.  I can’t put my finger on it.. oh hell of course I can put my finger on it...  So instead of giving in.. I decide to rearrange my whole office. If I stay busy I won’t feel.  I don’t want to feel.  I dive in.  Dad walks by and shakes his head.  He walks by again.. comes in and helps.  I’m just like him and he knows it.  I’m going crazy and he knows why.  He helps.  Several hours later I can breath again.  I sit at my desk.. everything reorganized and I can breath again.  Friday hits and I am determined to not let it suck me in.  It’s “Muffin’s with Mom” at Cam’s preschool.  I hold him tight and appreciate the little moments I have with him.  I adore him.  My feisty little monkey who keeps me yelling at unearthly high pitches because he is determined to take 10 years off my life on a daily basis.  I love him.  With all my heart.  We sit, we talk and as much as I am giving him all of me.. I drift for a moment or two. It’s coming.  Mother’s Day is coming and I can’t stop it.  Why is this particular holiday so hard for me?  I’ve been through so many already.  The firsts.  The first Thanksgiving.. Christmas, her birthday.. why is Mother’s Day sending me over the edge?  I kiss Cam all over and head to work.  I had agreed to help out during lunch hour at the girl’s school.  I concentrate on work and notice the time.. I’ve got about 25 more minutes before I have to leave.  All of a sudden Aimee walks through the door and into my office.  She gives me a hug and hands me a card.  I’m speechless.  She thought of me.  She sits and we talk for a bit.  All the while I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for her friendship.  In an instant, Alyson follows suit and comes in my office baring a card and a beautiful candle.  Wait what?  How on earth did I get so lucky to have these most amazing friends who think of me the way they do?  I don’t even have to say a word and there they are, lifting me up.  Always, lifting me up.   My heart swells.  I head to the school after expressing my gratitude to my girlfriends.  It’s the first time I’ve gotten to help out during lunch period and Layla is beside herself that I am there.  She can’t give me enough hugs and wants me to stay the day with her.  She shows me the ropes during lunch and stays by my side during recess.  I take a moment and relish this time with her.  My fairy foo foo always showing me how much love she has in her heart.  I take a few minutes with Re too.  That face of hers.  Sometimes I swear it’s my face staring back at me.  I decide to go in and take a minute with Hannah.  I want time with all three of my babies today.  I walk in the caf and look for the tallest, most beautiful little girl.. I don’t see her.  Where is she?  A mother friend of mine starts laughing as she notices her ducking down out of my sight in the lunch line.  Ha!  She should know better than to do this to me!  I casually walk over and kiss her straight on the cheek as she turns 10 shades of red but she is smiling.  She secretly loves it but won’t admit it.  I of course take it to the next level and give her one of my dance routines.  She laughs.  I love her.  My precious baby girl is growing up and our relationship is changing.  I’m embracing it.  Being able to spend individual time with all three of my children really filled my heart.  It was the exact medicine I needed.

 

“Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain.  Let her sing, if it eases all her pain.  Let her go, walk right out on me now and if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be. “  Darius Rucker – Let Her Cry

 

 

We spent the day running errands picking up the house and making Mother’s Day crafts for the family.  We thought we were home for the day when Lexi decided to eat one of Layla’s flip flops. Being that it was her only pair, we decided to venture out for a new pair.  As I was driving down the street, Sandy and Shannon were driving up the street.  Shan ran out of the car and handed me a beautiful basket of flowers.  Perched on top.. a butterfly.  The most amazing friends I do have. Always thinking of me, always selfless.  Always knowing where my head is at even when I don’t say a word.  Jenny sent a text this week with a beautiful article about motherless daughters.  Helen texted today sending me her love.  Melisa emailed love and support and I fully intend to have a mimosa with her tomorrow morning even if it is via long distance.  I am blessed.  I admit it and completely recognize it.  I do not take any of these friendships for granted.  They fill my heart, they really do.

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, the clock is ticking… Tomorrow is almost here and as hard as I have tried to keep them at bay, the tears will come.  It’s inevitable.  Mom, you were so much a part of my life and your presence here on this earth is so very missed.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t possibly begin to express the feeling of this hole in my heart.  And I know, I know what everyone thinks.  You would not want to live the way you were.  You were too full of life to live that way.  But Mom, you should have never had to live that way to begin with.  You should have never been burdened with this stupid disease and you should be here tomorrow.  Just like you always are.  I want to walk in Julie’s house and I want to hug and kiss you and wish you Happy Mother’s Day.  I want to HUG you dammit and I want to give you your gift.  Just as always.  I think back to the countless years Julie and I would go Mother’s Day shopping for you.  One that stands out in my mind was a Friday night Target spree, the two of us filling up a basket for you.  You were a few years into this stupid disease.  We were in the book isle.. you could still read then.  (5 or 6 years ago maybe?)  Julie was searching for books and I looked at the shelf and the cover of one particularly stood out.  “StillAlice”  I grabbed it and read the back.  I looked up and gave Julie my bug eyes.  She grabbed it and read the back.  I bought the book that night.  Read it in a day and handed it down to Julie.  God Mom, I even remember what I bought you last year for Mother’s Day.. you never even got to use it all.  I found the basket in your closet when we were going through your things.  It’s not fair.  I sound like a 4 year old, don’t I?  I don’t care because it isn’t fair.  Not one bit.  Almost 10 months and I still can’t come to terms with your death.  Is it because you were so full of life?  The only thing I dread worse than tomorrow is the fact that in two months, it will be a year since I have seen your face.  Held you.  How can this even be?  It can’t.  It just can’t be.  I should be better at this by now, no?   I have so much to be thankful for and yet I just can’t seem to get out of this overwhelming sadness.  I still make deals with God to bring you back.  I just want you back.  I lay awake at night thinking what could we have done differently.  How could we have saved you?  You deserved to be saved.  It seems like all these Alzheimers breakthroughs are on the brink.  Why couldn’t it have been 5 years ago?  Why couldn’t we have had the opportunity to make it stop? Keep it stable? 

Mom, on this Mother’s Day I make you one promise.  I will not let your death be the end of you.  I will choose to keep your legacy alive.  We’ve got plans Mom.  We’ve got big plans and I promise you I will see them through.  This isn’t the end.. You spent your life helping people and I swear to you we will spend your death making sure we help people in your honor.  In your name.  You deserve at least this.  I will make sure we do it your way.  I promise you with all my heart!  Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  Thank you for giving me 39+ years of being the greatest Mother I could have ever asked for.  Thank you for always being so selfless and so giving.  Thank you for instilling in me all your morals, values and beliefs.  There is no doubt it has made me a better person.  Send me a sign today please.. the music.. we always have our music.  Send it my way.  I’ll know it’s you.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are happy and somewhere beautiful.

“Autumn Leaves” Ed Sheeran

Another day, another life

Passes by just like mine

It’s not complicated

Another mind, another soul

Another body to grow old

It’s not complicated

Did you ever wonder why the stars shine out for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me.

Another tear, another cry

Another place for us to die

It’s not complicated

Another loved that’s gone to waste

Another light lost from your face

It’s complicated

Is it that it’s over or do the birds still sing for you?

Float down

Like autumn leaves

And hush now

Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Oh how I miss you

My symphony played the song that carried you out

Oh how I miss you

And I, I miss you and I wish you’d stay..

Touch down

Like a seven four seven

Stay out and we’ll live forever now…

Guilt

Guilt - The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.  Synonyms - culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness, wrongdoing, wrong.

That's a pretty crappy way to feel and yet so many of us live our lives riddled with guilt.  Guilt always seems to pop it's way into my life on an almost daily basis.  I am always feeling guilty for doing this or not doing that.  However, this morning as I was getting ready and before I woke the kids up for school, I thought about how I started this blog as a way for the children to look back and see how much I loved them throughout the years.  That someday I would direct them here, so they could be reminded of the love I've always had for them.  Somewhere along the line of the past year, the blog turned into a way for me to express the emotions of losing Mom.  Herein enters the guilt.  I started to get that pit in my stomach when I thought about the kids reading the past several posts and how our "Happy Times" have somehow been clouded by this overwhelming grief.  Grief over the loss of my mother, grief over the loss of my marriage.  Guilt.  It seems as though I have overcome a lot this past year.  I don't think I ever really appreciated the strength I had within me until now.  Not until being strong was the only thing I would allow myself to be and the only choice I had.  So in the name of "strength" I pushed that guilt back down and redirected my thoughts.  Yes this has been a tough year.  The toughest of my life... but here I am folks.  Still kicking, still breathing and with a whole hell of a lot of life ahead of me.  What a great lesson for the kids to read eh?  Yes, awful things happen in life and you have to pick yourself up, smile in the mirror, dust yourself off and move on.  Keep going.  We still have each other and we still have our memories of Mom and as long as there is life in me, I'll make sure that Hannah, Layla and Cam know that their Mother loves them and that I would do anything to keep us a happy family.  A new kind of normal but a normal just the same with love at the base of it.  Goodbye guilt.. I've got this.  The kids some day will appreciate the struggle inside me as they read how much I loved their grandmother and how difficult her journey was.  As they read how I gave my all to them and for them so that they could have better opportunity in this life.  They will be better people for it and just maybe they will learn a new lesson in regards to a mother's selfless love. (Thanks Mom)

So in the name of fresh starts.. here goes.  I can still write about the kids.. making sure to keep a journal of all our adventures of love together so that some day they can look back and have concrete evidence of how very much they were loved... but I can write about Mom too because there isn't any law that tells me I can't and because she was such a huge part of our lives, their lives and I want them to know the person she was, before she got sick. They deserve to know and her story deserves to be told.  Adios Guilt!  I got this! 

Here goes... 

Easter Weekend was last weekend.  The kids and I spent Friday coloring eggs and tidying up the house.  AH the house.  Did I mention that I have a gazillion dollars worth of ice dam damage?  That my entire room, bathroom and closet has been gutted and that I have been living downstairs?  That Hannah's room is missing a wall, the front entry way is missing walls and the sunroom floor has been ripped up and that my garage also has to be gutted?  Winter, you sucked!  Yet we are making the best of it!  My new saying these days is, "This wont be what breaks me.."  Although, my vacuum cleaner breaking last night.. THAT almost... almost was what broke me.  (People who know me, know what a catastrophic event this is).  Friday night, the kids went with their Dad and I took some "Me Time".  I'm starting to get use to that me time.  I never thought I would.  Saturday I had a wedding.   Erin Donovan and Eric Boyle married in Newport.  First let me just say that the kids and I pretty much watched that courtship from my bow window as Erin lived across the street and Eric up the street.  Watching Erin get married was bittersweet for me.  No child deserves this happiness more than she (yes Erin, you are still a child to me!)  Being able to see my sister, Alyson and Beth in the wedding was truly a gift... all three of them stunningly pregnant.  I don't remember being this excited for a wedding in a long time.  It was elegant and absolutely breathtaking!  Taking place at my old Alma Martyr, Salve's Ochre mansion while the reception was at Ocean Cliff.  The whole day was simply divine.  Yet, it is a new normal for me remember?  I kept looking around and taking it all in while thinking about how very much Mom would have loved to have been there.  She would have been beaming with pride for Erin as if Erin were her own daughter.  She would have been dressed to the nine's and the smile would have never left her face.  She would have torn up that dance floor with me and she would have enjoyed the night amongst her friends.  I can hear her laugh and I can see her face and exactly how she would have worn her makeup.  I can smell her perfume.  I'm SO VERY grateful for these happy images that come along every once in a while.  All too often these are not the images I see.  My heart ached for Dad as I know it was a tough night on him.  Riddled with the happiness for Erin and the loneliness for himself, as here we are at another happy occasion without Mom.

Sunday I rose early to go to church.  I met the family there.  These Sunday's without the kids at church make me insane.  I am so use to the kids being with me at all times, that I sometimes panic when they are not.  It's such a strange feeling.  I buried the feeling and prayed.  After church was Easter dinner with the family.  My heart ached without the kids and being around my nieces and nephew.  I buried it.  I'm getting quite good at putting on my "happy face".  Finally the time came for me to pick them up and I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon of egg hunting and them opening their baskets.  The only downside to the day is that I learned my banana no longer believes.  CRAP!  If I could, I'd let her believe til she was sixteen.  I have to have a conversation with her.  I need alone time with her.  As sad as I am, I do look forward to the coming years with her as my sidekick making the magic happen for Layla and Cam.  I feel like this will be a new type of relationship for Hannah and I.  Where has the time gone?  (sigh)  Sunday night was the perfect cuddle night with my three cherubs as they were happy to be home and quite exhausted themselves.  So we jumped into bed, in my downstairs apartment (lol) and let the thoughts of our weekend take us into our dreams.

I thought of you today Mom.  (silly.. I think of you everyday)  Eddie Falco came across my newsfeed and I laughed.  Then I thought about James Gandolfini.  I laughed again.  Are you with him?  I had forgotten that he had passed and then all these thoughts came into my head.  (Do you see why I don't sleep?)  I started thinking about how much you loved to watch the Soprano's with the family and how EVERYONE thought you looked like Carmella.  It even became your nickname.  You ADORED it.  You use to get such a kick out of it!  (I can hear your laugh).  It was a thing.  Sunday nights at your house or auntie's and we would all pile around and watch.  Life was so fun then Mom.  So carefree.  So full of love.  Help me find these days again Mom.  I really need them to get by.  I miss you, love you and I hope you are someplace beautiful. 

Kids, I love you.  Remember that always. 
xo

"Still not here"

It's been a while.  Time has passed yet, the hurt is still there.  Maybe the corners have softened, but there are still edges.  For me, there is still the disbelief.  Shock.  Pain.  The past 8 months have not been easy.  Not one bit.  The tears don't come as often, but they still come.  They come when I least expect it.  They come at all hours of the day and night unexpectedly.  Especially the nights.  8 months.  EIGHT.  What?  How? Why?  Why did she have to suffer?  Why did we have to watch her suffer?  She was too good.  Just too damn good to suffer.  Wait.. is she really gone?  Has it REALLY been 8 months?

I still struggle with the decisions that were made.  I feel like you left this world so that I could live.. without getting into detail, you know what I mean.  I feel like you made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I could have the strength and courage to get through this next year.  Or were you just too tired to fight anymore?  Somewhere in there, did you know?  Did you see the pain in our eyes?  Did you just give up?  Dammit this should have never happened to you.  Not you.   I live with the utmost guilt on a daily basis.  I should have had more patience.  I should have told you I loved you more.  I should have this and I should have that... and now.. my time with you is gone.  There were so many good years when you were here and I took them for granted.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.  I just wish I could have looked into your eyes before you got this stupid disease.. really looked in them and thanked you for the selfless mother's love you gave me and let you know how very much appreciation I had for all that you did for me.  For our family.  Looked in your eyes and told you so that you knew.  God I hope you know.  Mom, we were never supposed to be a family of 4.  It was always supposed to be the 5 of us.  Forever. 

They had a party for me Mom.  Yes, the big 4 - 0.  (yikes)  I don't know how they pulled it off but they did.  I was totally surprised.  Yet, as soon as the blindfold came off and I saw Dad's face, all I could do was cry.  Cry because here we are again, another milestone, another celebration, another moment without you.  None of it feels right.  I had a blast.  Yes, I absolutely did.  Yet at times like these when I am in all my glory, there is always a part of me that says, "If mom were here..."  If you were there that night Mom, you would have been on the dance floor with me the whole night.  Smiling and laughing.. and then the next day the two of us would be complaining together about how everything hurt! Ha!  How I wish I could have lived that memory. 

Julie and I went to see "Still Alice" this weekend.  Julianne Moore earned every bit of that Oscar.  Neither one of us were really thinking.  Certainly in hindsight, we should have waited for it to come out on DVD and watch it in our own homes.  The role remarkably made us re live almost all aspects of what Mom went through.  I found myself crying through the entire movie.  There was a scene where Alec Baldwin was helping her get dressed... this was where I lost it the most I think.  I use to do that.  I HATED doing it just because of how I hated how much dignity Mom had to lose.  I hated it for her, not so much me.. but that scene.. brought me back to the many days and nights I would do the same for Mom and it made me miss every single second of doing these things for her.. even though I hated it.. I would take it all back and do it in a heart beat just to have her back.  Just to hug her, hold her and tell her everything was alright.  But everything is not alright.  It's not and I would have been lying to her.  By the end of the movie, Julie and I were holding onto each other sobbing uncontrollably.  The people in the theater were confused by the ending.  We knew the ending.  Julie wanted to shout at them.. do you want to know how it ends?  I'll tell you how it ends!  You all are here seeing this movie as a past time.  We are seeing it, because we LIVED it!  Trust us, the ending is too horrible to bare. 

I love you Mom.  With my whole heart.  I will spend the rest of my life missing you and somehow trying to understand why you had to go through this.  Why you?  Please keep sending me signs.  They are all that get me through the days sometimes.  When I feel like I am suffocating and my whole world is closing in.. keep sending me signs.  I got yours yesterday.  You always did know how to make me laugh.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are safe and somewhere pretty. 

“Okay, what do you feel?”
“I feel love. It’s about love."

Still Alice

 

Acceptance?

9 weeks and 2 days.  Yes I am still counting.  I still haven't accepted the fact that I have lost you Mom.  I want to.  Trust me I do.  I think that if I can finally accept it, I can begin the healing process.. no?  Maybe?  Maybe not.  Is this shock?  Could I possibly be in shock still, 9 weeks later?  Is that even a thing?  I'm going to have to google that.  I just miss you so much.  I miss you well, I miss you even sick.  Your physical presence.  Your smile.  Dammit everything.  I need you here.  It hurts to not have you here.  This has been he most horrible year of my life and I just need you.  YOU.  Mom everything has gone wrong and I just don't know how much longer I can hold on without you.  I feel like everything is falling apart.

I waited weeks to feel your presence and even though these days suck without you.. I have felt you Mom.  Last week.. when I finally made things right.. you knew I needed that.  You were behind that.  God I am so grateful and thankful.  Then yesterday, when I found myself in the same predicament as I was in 15 years ago with you... and you never let me live it down.  You laughed about that for years.  There I was again.. same situation, same doctors office, same shot in the ass.  All I could do was laugh because I knew you were laughing your head off at me!  I waited so long to feel you.  Thank God I have finally found some of you around me.  Yet, the tears still come.  Almost daily.  I can't talk about you without getting choked up.  Especially to Dad.  He took me to the cemetery last week.  He knew I was struggling.  I thought if I went.. I could accept.  It didn't work.  I think it actually made me worse.  I wouldn't tell him that of course.  It's his place.. his comfort.  He cares for you there.  Me, I had to hold back with every inch of my being not to dig you up and hold you.  It didn't feel right.. me there sitting by your grave.  I should be taking care of you.

Then there are the day to day struggles.  The just living life and trying to put one foot in front of the other.  My "give a damn" is busted Mom.  I simply just cant do everything that I use to.  Quite frankly, I don't know how I still fit in a day what I do.  Maybe it is your last lesson in strength that keeps me going?  Is it you Mom?  I feel like I am letting people down.  I feel guilty for a few.. and then I just don't care.  When I have to cancel plans or respond no to an invite.. it bothers me.. but I just can't do it all and I really don't FEEL like it.  I am grateful for the people that have stuck with me.  My friends.. certain family members.. who don't hate me for it and still stand by my side.  The countless texts from people that I hardly get to respond to because I am just too damn busy or just don't feel like it... and yet those people still text me.. and love me. 

I keep finding pictures.  I look at them... suck in my breath and say, "Can this be?"  It's like I have to sit here and force myself to remember those last days to believe that you are gone and yet when I think of them.. I can't possibly believe I actually lived them.  "Wait. I did that?"  I did.  It's fuzzy and so clear all at the same time.  Oh Mom.. I just hope you are somewhere pretty and safe.  I hope that your pain is gone and that you are happy. ...

My head is spinning

 

I came across this picture today and it made me catch my breath.  This picture was taken almost seven years ago.  It was the day after Layla was born.  We were so happy!  Thrilled to have a healthy baby girl after everything poor Hannah went through as an infant!  Look at you!  So beautiful!  Four generations right there.   It was only seven years.  I truly believe this is what you would look like today if you didn't get sick.  I look at this picture and think, "How can you be gone?"  You had so much living to do.  You should be here, Mom.  I need you here.  I hate everything about this stupid disease.  What it did to you.. To us.  Did you know?  Did you know this is what you had?  I wanted to tell you so badly!  Selfishly, I wanted you to know so that we could talk.  I wanted to say things to you while you understood.  I wanted to hear things in return.  Your ring broke today.  Thankfully I was able to find the stone.  I'm hoping it can be fixed easily.  I feel naked without it.  I've worn it every day since you left.  I'm lost mom.  Truly lost without you.  I really would do anything just to have a conversation with you.  I know I'm almost 40 but I still need your guidance.  There are so many things I want to ask you.  Nothing feels right without you.   I love this picture of you because this was the mom I knew.  Always so pretty.. stunning...those pants.. how you loved those pants.. they said so much about you.   I miss you mom...  I don't want to do this without you.  I feel like nobody understands.  It's like everyone expects me to be my old cheerful self.  No one knows how to handle me.  Friends call and ask why I sound down and I get so angry.  Why do you think I sound down?  It's only been 6 weeks.. and every moment is still consumed with missing you.  I feel like I want to scream at them.. MY MOTHER DIED!  Don't they get it?  Don't they understand?  Life didn't go back to normal for me.  I am still trying to maneuver these new streets without you.  Nothing feels right or normal and I am not sure if it ever will.  I miss you so much Mom.  Please send me a sign... I love you.. always and forever.

62 was just too young

 

Mom-  it's been 6 weeks since you took your last breath.  I can't believe 6 weeks have gone by without me seeing your face.  How is this suppose to get better?  Where are you?  Can you see me?  Are you ok?  I look back upon those 6 days and wonder how on earth it all happened.  Did it really happen?  How did I function because functioning now without you is so hard.  I keep looking for signs and can't seem to find any.  I have nightmares not dreams.  I'm not at peace with this.  I look through my phone pictures and see you and I can't help but be angry that you are not here.  You were my buddy... Sick and all.  We'd have a tough day and then you'd give me that look and we'd end up dancing in the kitchen.. Happy.  I'm so grateful for those times but I wanted more.  We should have had more.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I feel like everything I do is with thoughts of you.  I took the kids to the library today and found myself searching for a book.  I pulled one out and saw the title and picture and took it because it reminded me of you.  I'm sitting here looking at it wondering if I'll be able to open it and read.  The only thing I've read these days are books about grief and grieving.  No matter how you spin it.. It sucks.  Period.  I can't fall asleep at night because I keep thinking of those 6 days and I feel like I'm getting repeatedly sucker punched.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  It's like I'm forcing myself to be okay on the outside while my insides are falling apart.  Then there are those fleeting times where I feel happy.  With the kids... About the upcoming school year... Then those moments pass and I feel it all over again.  I went back to photography this week.  Quite frankly because I need the money.  I have no energy or desire but I'm trying.  I'm trying to do the things I did before you died yet nothing feels right.  Work at the office sucks.  You should be there.  You were always there.  Nothing is right without you!  I'd do anything to have you back even just for five minutes.  I just need to talk to you.  Feel your hug and see your face.  I'm still in disbelief that this happened.  That you're really gone.  I remember everything about you.. Your mouth, your beauty mark, your birthmark on your thigh, your hands, your nails....how can I never see these things again?  God I hope you are happy and safe and somewhere pretty.  Please just send me a sign.  I love you Mom.  Always and forever.

Missing Mom

Is it even possible since my mother is still technically alive?  But I do.  I  miss her so much and have come to the conclusion that I lost my Mom 2 years ago.  The new woman, is just a shell of what was once there.  A delicate, fragile, sad shell of what once was a vibrant, talented, energetic, sophisticated, funny, beautiful, caring woman.  I miss my mom.  Three months ago I somehow made the transition of learning to love this new woman called "Mom".  The past 6+ years have been filled with auto pilot and taking care of her in a way I never thought I would have to at this age.  I managed to push those feelings down and just go.  Many times in those past 6+ years I would get frustrated with mom for not knowing how to do certain things or for yelling at the kids even though I knew it was the disease and not my mother doing those things.  Try telling that to your brain when she's screaming at your kids for doing nothing wrong.  I am no longer frustrated.  That frustration has vanished and been replaced with pure and utter sadness.  I miss my mom. 

This whole process of grieving someone who is still technically alive is so consuming and painstakingly overwhelming.  My mind keeps wandering back to the days when I could see her smile and hear her laughter and listen to her laughing her pants off about some prank she played on a friend or some mischief she and her friends would get into.  Now, only a handful of friends visit her.  I miss hearing her curse like Mikey because it was so unbelievably funny coming out of her pure and innocent mouth.  I miss hearing her voice and I miss hearing her advice.  I miss her smiles.  I miss how stressed she would get before the gazillion dinners and parties she would put on and I miss seeing that look of accomplishment when each and every event was a success. I miss her hugs and I miss her always telling me that it was all going to be alright.  Now that's the sentence I say to her on a daily basis.  "I'll take care of you Mom, you're safe.  Don't you worry, I am here."  I didn't want this job at this age and I'll never understand why God gave it to me.  I'll never to the day I die understand how this dreadful disease can be placed on a family and how you are supposed to find the silver lining.  This disease is a slow torture on both the victim and the people who are helpless in all aspects.  It takes everything but most of all it takes your heart. 

Consuming;  The best way I can describe the constant thought process that runs through my mind almost 24 hours a day.  Excerpt

  She's so skinny.  She's so skinny.  She'd go nuts if she actually knew how thin she was if she was in her right mind.  Is she going to keep losing weight?  Is this how it is going to end?  Will we have to watch God take her piece by piece just like we have these past years?  Organ by organ?  Abnormal echo cardiogram?  Is that it?  Is that how we will "lose" Mom?  Silently?  How much more time is left?  When will she stop walking?   God does she know how much I love her?  Does she know that here I sit, in her same shoes, raising three children and trying to hold down a full time job while developing my passion for photography.. does she know how I appreciate her?  I never told her then.  I never did, did I?  And here I sit realizing that she did so much for us and we expected so much and she just did did did.  Why didn't I tell her?  I wish I could tell her!  Always sacrificed herself and her happiness to make Dad and us kids happy.   She did it all and she did it effortlessly.  Always perfect.  Straight A club president  The kids... dammit the kids will never know how full of life she was.  They will only know this sad shell of a woman.  The sick Nonnie who has no rememberies.  But she's going to get better Mom, right?  Sure darling, she'll be okay.  NO NO NO she wont.  She's dying dammit she is dying and there is not a goddamn thing we can do about it but sit back and watch while she takes pieces of us with her.  Dad.  What are we going to do with Dad?  A broken man.  I've never seen our rock so broken.  He's crumbling.  He's angry.  He now walks with his head hung and his shoulders rounded.  Weight of the world.  He can't fix this.  It kills him that he can't fix this.  His eyes aren't happy anymore.  That was what I always loved about him most.  His happy eyes.  They are gone.  His tears.  They sting our hearts.  How are we going to get him through this?  I have to be strong.  I have to be the one to hold it together.  I can.  No I cant.  Am I going to sleep tonight?  Probably not.  Here comes Layla.. she's going to see my tears.. hurry up get it together. 

 

 

 

The days are getting harder and harder.  I am trying my best to spend as much time with her as possible.  It is hard now that the visiting has to be done at her house.  The kids have a tough time.  It's only going to get harder and the thought of it sends me into panic attacks.  I don't know how much time is left, but my heart and gut keeps telling me there isn't much.  So our time is filled with cuddles and reassurance that I won't leave her and that I love her.  A  million times over. 

 

 

My biggest regret?  Not telling her how much I love her and how I appreciate everything she did in my life to make me the person I am today.  She was a one woman show with my dad working so many hours when we were kids.  I have so much adoration and appreciation for the way she plugged through and raised us.  I wish I could have said this to her when she understood.  When she could hear my voice.  When I didn't have to say it with tears and regret.  Her beauty will always shine bright in my heart and when all is said and done.. I will dig deep and find comfort in knowing that she is present in me.. because she made me the mother I am today...

 

I love you Mom.  I miss you Mom...  Happy Mother's Day Mom... and ... thank you...



Happy Thanksgiving

I am finally switching gears from work and photography to TURKEY DAY!   I am also very happy to admit that I am keeping the mind frame of not letting anything stress me out!  I have been placing sticky notes in my car each morning with the list of things that need to get done, whom to pick up, drop off and where.. and I swear it is helping me stay focused and complete the tasks.  So on this Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.. I DO NOT have to go to the market!  Yipeee!!!  While it scares the ever living crap out of me that I have to live like this to remember tasks, I am ignoring the voices in my head that say it has to do with a certain disease and quite frankly it just has to be the fact that I am running in a gazillion different directions.  That's it.  It HAS to be!

So last night I decided to put myself in time out.  I've worked 21 days straight and my brain just needed to shut off for an evening.  I left the laundry, I left the dishes, I left the dust bunnies under the bed and I left the pool of water that had spilled over from Layla's bath onto the floor.  I sat.  Still.  For longer than 5 minutes.  Layla and I cuddled up on the couch and began to watch November Christmas.  When Hannah returned home from hockey, she joined us.  I will say, that this movie is by far the best Hallmark Channel Christmas movie ever.  Twice I looked over at Hannah because although she is so much like her daddy, she does have some mommy in her too.  As I looked over with my own tears streaming down my face, I met her face with her own tears pouring down.  We shared a brief mother daughter moment before Layla chimed in, "Are you two kidding me?  This is ridiculous... "  as she ran off laughing to fetch us a roll of toilet paper.

Aside from this wonderful evening with my girls, I also had another moment with my baby boy yesterday.  Due to a recent schedule conflict with one of her caretakers, I am able to step in and spend some time with Mom on Tuesdays.  I felt really bad that I had to drag her around town to complete all the tasks on my sticky note.  It was a lot of getting in the car and getting out of the car.  At our first stop, I got out, unbuckled Cameron and then walked around to unhook Mom's seat belt and help her out of the car.  What I didnt realize was that my little 3 year old munchkin was watching my every move and taking it all in.  At our second stop, he demanded I take him out of the car seat before I could even kill the ignition and put the car in park.  As soon as I unbuckled him he jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side of the car, opened my mother's car door, jumped on her lap, unbuckled her seat belt and helped her out of the car.  I stood there in awe watching him.  He continued to do this the rest of the day and he would say, "See Mommy, I'm a gentleman!"  Dumbfounded by how much he has understood my Mother's illness, I hugged him and told him he was my special, special little man. 

 

 

So it was a day of moments.  Warm your heart, fuzzy warm nice moments.  For that I am grateful! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving with their families and friends.  I truly hope that you all can find some time to sit back and take in some warm, fuzzy moments for yourselves!
xo