Blessings at 9 months

Tomorrow is the 14th.  I never thought I'd come to dread the 14th... but I do.  I despise it.  That day of the month will never be the same for me.  Tomorrow, it will have been 9 months since my mother took her last breath.  I still can't wrap my brain around it.  9 months.. How has so much time passed?  I can't believe I have lived 9 months without you Mom.  I think back to those days so often.. They say that as time passes, those last memories will fade and be replaced by the older good ones.  I hope that happens Mom because I still can't shake those last days.  Every time I think about you, those last days are at the forefront of my mind.  I force myself to push them down and remember the good times because there were so many.  Yet, I always think about your final days and how it was spent with all of us loving you.  I pray with all my heart that you felt us.  That you felt our love.  I spent those days taking you all in and giving you my heart and all the love that I had.  God, I hope you felt it.  I hope you heard our words.  I hope that on some level you were comforted knowing that you had raised us to be the people you always wanted us to be.  That on that day when the angels came, you looked down upon your entire family and knew at that moment, how very much you were loved.  Because you were loved Mom.. so very much loved.  That last day was so dreadful.  I pray that you were already on your way then... that you weren't really in your body anymore.. but on your way to the good Lord.  You gave us all an incredible gift that day.. on your dying day.. you were still thinking about us.  The words that keep ringing in my ears are the words of our dear friend, Father Najim.  As we sat on your final day and you kept coming back to us... amongst the anguish Father broke the silence, shook his head and said, "Look at her.  She's giving you a final gift.  She's giving you one last lesson in strength."  Those words comfort me Mom.  It was so typical of you to always think of us first.  Selfless.. always.  I hope you know how much you are missed.  We all miss you so much.  Your friends.. Debbie.. I can't look at her without thinking about your friendship and all the years you spent together.  When I see her face, I see you.  I'm not sure why.. but I feel like she is a continuation of you.  I'm looking forward to her coming home from Florida and spending some time with her reveling in our memories of you.  Julie, Rob, Amanda, Mikey.. the kids.. we all miss you so much.  There is always this empty space.. a hole in our hearts... you're the only one that can fill it.  The kids ask about you all the time.  They truly miss you.  Dad.  I'm so proud of him.  He's trying so hard.  I know he is... but Mom you took so many pieces of him with you.  I guess that's what happens when you spend your life with your one true love... 

Auntie Charlene's Fundraiser was this past Sunday.  Auntie is Dad's sister and is both Mom & Dad's best friend.  To give you a little history, Dad met Mom when she was hired at KFC.. yep she dated her boss!  (Go Mom!)  Auntie was her trainer.  They became instant friends and their friendship only flourished when Mom and Dad got married.  When I think about our childhood, those two were always up to something together.  Thelma and Louise.  I was blessed to have Auntie Charl named as my God Mother.. and you know what a God Mother means to an Italian family.. if you don't know then I'll tell you.  My Aunt has been there for every scrape, broken bone, broken heart.. every triumph and every tribulation.  She was my Confirmation Sponsor and she was there riding shotgun when I use to drive by the houses of  the cute boys in high school.  For as long as I can remember, she has been such an instrumental part of my life.  We've always had an inseparable bond and she has always been like a second mother to me.  There are so many memories I have of Auntie that it would be impossible to express them all.  She is just always there.  You can imagine how we felt when Auntie was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma less than two weeks shy of losing Mom.  As if our worlds weren't coming crashing down to begin with.. we learned that Auntie had cancer.  As sick as she was during Mom's final days.. she did not leave her side.  Beyond insufferable exhaustion from her own disease, she sat by Mom's side and made sure Mom knew how much she was loved.  Their bond could never be broken.

Auntie Charl took her diagnosis like a champ and stared it in the face.  With her family surrounding her she began her fight.  Treatments at Dana Farber, infusions, chemo, more infusions, more chemo and then the horrible bone marrow procedure.  Dad threw himself into being there for his best friend and sister.  He needed her as much as she needed him.  Together they'd make the Wednesday trips up and my cousins and Stephen would do the Saturdays.  Certainly there were tough days.. but she always managed to drag herself up out of them and keep fighting.  I had the opportunity to be with Auntie on the day she decided it was time to shave her head.  I knew how difficult this day would be for her and I was honored to be the one who took her.  That day turned into one of the best bonding moments for us yet.  We could have cried.. we could have totally SOBBED.  We didn't.  She sat there so brave in the chair, watched her locks fall to the ground and smiled... then we went to IParty for wigs!  Not just any wigs either.. LOL  We filled that day with love and laughter (frozen yogurt) and despite it being such a traumatic day, we turned it around and made it fun!  I'll cherish that memory always as it really stands out to me how very strong my aunt is. 

The days crept on and the trips to Dana Farber continued. All which lead us to yesterday.  For those of you who don't know about this cancer, it is incurable and has a very high rate of coming back.  I am thrilled to say that Auntie's cancer is sleeping and God I pray it sleeps for a long, long time to come.  Bills had begun to pile up adding to her stress when Danielle and Amy approached us about doing a fundraiser...it took off from there. Together as a family we banded together and made it happen!  With Amy, Danielle and Dad at the helm.. the Friends of Charlene Barron came to life!

I don't think ANY of us expected it to happen the way it did although.. I will say that I am not surprised.  My Aunt's generosity and good nature has touched MANY people on this earth.  There isn't a single person she meets, that doesn't remember her.  (I can attest to this as I can't tell you how many times we have been in public together and she doesn't just run into one person she knows.. but like 10...All of whom are always ecstatic to see her).  She has this zest for life and enthusiasm unlike any other.  You never see her without a big, beautiful smile plastered across her face.  Yesterday, I would say close to 400 people were in attendance at her fundraiser.  What a testament to such an amazing person!  There were so many friends and family there to support her I hope that her heart remains full for a long time to come.  THANK YOU just simply isn't enough.

Auntie, I know that these past 9 months have been the worst you've been through, for so many reasons.  I am so proud of the way you have courageously taken on this battle all while grieving Mom.  I often think that Mom knew there was no way for her to survive her disease and it was her time to go be at peace.  At the same time, I know she left this world wearing your heart on her sleeve and she is going to make damn sure she see's you through this.  Together as the amazing family that we are, we are going to Crush It with our angel guiding us from above and we will always be your CREW!  I love you from the bottom of my heart and I can't wait to be sipping NO PROBLEMS on the beach with you this summer!  We've got your back.. always!  Be brave ;)

So this my way of finding the blessings, amongst missing my mother dearly. 9 months..  Continue to guide us Mom and we'll continue to count every single blessing.  Each day is a gift friends.. cherish that gift!

Promise me you'll always remember,

You're braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem

and Smarter than you think. 

But the most important thing is,

even if we're apart

I'll always be with you..

Hockey Mom, here I come!

Han made Mite C's!  We are thrilled!  I had frantically been checking the site all day yesterday praying they would put the roster up.  By 8:30 last night I was getting pretty frustrated about seeing no results.  I jumped in the shower and as I was getting out I received a text from Billy (who was laying with the girls at the time).  It said that she didn't make it.  I panicked and logged on the site all while thinking how would we ever tell her that she didn't make it, I saw her name... relief!  Turns out that when Billy had logged on, all of the results were not up yet.  Poor kid really thought she didn't make it so he was thrilled to then log on and see her name.  He was pacing our bedroom freaking out.  We went right in and told Hannah who was SO EXCITED!  She was jumping up and down on the bed while Layla somehow stayed asleep as her head bounced up and down!  It took a while to settle Han down enough to get her to sleep... but finally she did.  I really am so excited to see her compete and play on a team.  I cant wait to cheer her on!  I am so very proud of my little monkey.  She is going to do great things!  I can feel it!  Bitter sweet baby girl.  Go get em!


My Layla cakes has come down with yet another cold.  Although I cant complain because she has made it through 3 weeks of school and this is the first time I have had to keep her home (well at work with me).  Unfortunately when the bug gets a cold, it turns into this whole stinking asthma episode.  So we are upping her inhalers and asthma meds and keeping her on a good dose every two hours in order to get her through it quickly.  I have been sleeping with her the past two nights because she wakes up and has a tough time breathing.  At least if I am there then I can give her a dose of her inhaler and get her calmed down quickly.  I'd like to avoid the steroids at all costs if I can.  She has a little fever that I am hoping is just part of the cold and asthma episode and nothing more because did I mention that my baby girl is about to turn FOUR in less than a week? Layla Grayce Viola... turning FOUR??????????????????  Ohhhhhhhhhh what I wouldn't do to keep this little cuddle bug LITTLE forever!  Stop growing up on me Layla!!!!  As hard as it is to see her grow, it is also bitter sweet to see her getting healthier.  I am thrilled that she has survived three weeks of preschool without any major illnesses.  Last year, she made it to one day and then that was it.  She couldn't get healthy enough to go back.  So as sad as I am to see her grow up on me, it's also a great feeling to watch her grow healthier and stronger.  Keep going Layla Baby!  Ironically this birthday will be all about a girl called Rapunzel who has three feet of hair... considering my birthday girl has barely an inch of hair, I feel it is fitting!  Happy almost Birthday cupcake!


Mr Cameroni is doing GREAT after his tube surgery!  He was a good sleeper to begin with.  However, the last several months he would wake in the middle of the night and cry out.  He would still put himself back to sleep fairly quickly, but I am noticing that since the surgery, he is sleeping like a brick all night long.  He is even sleeping later in the mornings.  Yipeee!  Moreover, he just seems to be happier all around.  I bet that fluid built up was really bugging him and now he feels sooo much better!  My little crazy booger!  If we can just keep him from doing the Superman off of any high surface, we will be all set!


I did manage to get to my favorite salon yesterday.  I seriously love TWIRL!  Note to self however, do not try and touch up your own roots!  Poor Sarah had to dye my hair DARK in order to match it.  Over the counter dyes... BAD!  When will I learn?  So now instead of a redhead, I am currently a brunette! LOL  I dont mind one bit and actually like the change!  It's only hair.  I can't thank my inlaws enough for making this possible though.  If it werent for them watching the kids, I would have never made it to this appointment and I sooo needed this appointment.  So thank you Mom and Dad M!  xo


Onward towards a weekend full of hockey!  Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.  Don't forget, today is September 30th.  It may be the last day of the month, but there is still time to give back!  46 new children are diagnosed with cancer every day.  You can help change that!  It can be as simple as ordering this great COOKBOOK.  Host your own bake sale and get your community involved.  September may be childhood cancer awareness month, but the battle is all year round.  Help find a cure!  Let's make a difference!

Supporting Michael

How do I even begin?   I am still so overwhelmed with emotion about meeting the Cotrone Family and little Michael in particular.  Friday evening was the fundraiser and I had been contacted months ago via a High School friend, Alison Armstrong.. now Oliver (but she'll always bee Armstrong to me) if it was something I was interested in donating photography services to.  The word "No" was not in my vocabulary.  It wasn't even a thought in my brain.  Immediately, I thought about all the blogs I follow about children fighting cancer.  How these families, even though I don't and will probably never know them, have touched my life in a way I don't think I could ever explain.  How their words have moved me.  How I have cried with these families as if they were my own.  As if I had known them for a gazillion years.  These blogs have taught me so much about my life.  Most of all they have taught me how to appreciate every single blessing in my life.  No matter how big or small.  That even though I may be going through some bumps along the road, nothing could be worse than experiencing your child battle cancer.  These "strangers" have changed me as a person.  I remember reading Layla Grace Marsh's mother's post about how she wished she had not been always in such a rush.  Using an example about when her little Layla use to be in the way when she was trying to empty the dishwasher and how Layla would be under feet as she tried to get chores done. ...  And then when Layla flew home to be with the angels, how she would give anything to have her Layla back to be under her feet again.  How she wished those things hadn't gotten to her.   I remember thinking how I would go through the exact same situation and be frustrated because I was in a hurry to get this chore done and kids were under my feet.  After reading Shanna Marsh's post, how I have learned to enjoy those moments that can easily turn into frustrating ones.  Cameron helps me every day empty the dishwasher now.  And although I may rush to get the knives out so he doesn't get hurt, I ENJOY chasing after flying forks and spoons, sippy cups and plates as he hums them across the kitchen floor!

So when Alison contacted me I knew this was my chance to give back when previously I had felt so helpless in this cancer world.  I have three, gorgeous, healthy babies.  They weren't always healthy and we have had our share of heartache with their health, but they are cancer free.  Today they are healthy.  I am not naive enough to know that this could all change in an instant.  So instead, I continue to count my blessings and make each day count.  I was honored and thrilled to be a part of this event!  I felt grateful to be able to do something to help this local family that I had never met.  So many of my friends and family jumped on board and helped with donations and gift certificates that I was proud to call these people my friends.  It seems as though you turn on the news or open up a newspaper and hear so much about what is wrong with this world.  Very rarely do you hear all that is good in this world.  Guess what though?  There ARE good people in this world.  Who care and who realize how great the feeling of giving back is!  I am lucky to know so many of these people and the word, "thank you" can not even begin to express the gratitude I have towards them. 

From the second I approached Erin, (Michael's Auntie whom ran the entire event) and she gave me a great, big, giant squeeze hug, I knew this was where I was meant to be.  The event was for lack of a better word. AWESOME from beginning to end.  From all of the attractions for the kids, face painting, tattooing, caricatures, to the bright PINK firetruck and police cars that came in support of Michael.  It was all just plain awesome!  The raffle prizes, the music, the UNBELIEVABLE cake, the smiles on every one's face, the kids dancing and playing.  These were the moments to soak up.  Michael's entrance to the event was nothing short of movie stardom and Erin took so much time to think everything out so completely, that there was no stone unturned.  I can honestly say that I don't think one person could have walked away from that event saying, "Oh we should have done this.."  because it was all there.  All there in an enormous display and outpouring of love for a family. 

Perhaps one of my favorite moments in the evening was actually meeting Michael and saying hello.  Having Shannon introduce herself and pose for a photo with Michael.  It was a bit overwhelming for me to take that photograph knowing that Shannon is a two time breast cancer survivor and this little twelve year old boy is going through some of the exact same things she had to endure.  Yet it was also bittersweet because Shannon is a survivor and I took it as a sign that Michael will be too.  He will beat this demon.  I overheard his Mother in the bathroom talking to some friends about how anything and everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong with Michael.  How it is normal to get blood clots in your legs while undergoing his cancer treatments and how Michael ended up with blood clots on the brain.  This hit home for me and those of you who know what I went through with Hannah know why it hit home.  All I can say is that my Hannah is one tough, little cookie for going through what she did and I pray that Michael too, will continue to gain strength through his journey.  If anything, Friday night proved as a true source of strength to be gained by the display of love for this one little boy and his family.

Billy, who is my rock, solid, show no emotion husband.. (and me quite the opposite) was touched by the event. He thoroughly enjoyed bringing the kids and watching them enjoy the celebration.  Thank you GOD for keeping them on their best behavior!  I thanked him several times for supporting me and rushing home from work to get the kids dressed and to the event.  For supporting something that I have become so passionate about.  Each time I thanked him, he responded by saying there was nothing to thank him for.  He was glad to be there and glad to be supporting a great cause.  For those of you who know Billy, these words don't often exit his mouth.  Knowing that Michael had touched his heart, melted mine.

I think the only thing left to say is how close I felt to this family even though this is the only time our paths have ever crossed.  I come from a tight knit, extremely close Italian family and I remember being perplexed growing up noticing that not all families were like mine.  As we grew older and our friends' parents' became our parent's friends, we realized that we had somehow surrounded ourselves with people who were like us in this aspect.  My inlaws are much the same.  Family comes first.  Family, is the most important thing in life.  Without family, you have nothing.  From the moment I walked through the doors at Kirkbrae, it was quite evident that this family, was much like my own.  For a sister to give so much of herself, her time, her love to support her brother, his family, his son, is the true definition of love for a family.  Beyond words. 

Michael, little man.  Stay strong.  Stay positive.  Continue to surround yourself with your loving family and loving friends.  You had so many of your buddies there supporting you that it brought fresh tears to my eyes.  You have chosen some really great people to be your sidekicks through this.  Continue to draw your strength from them.  My wish for you is that you can somehow keep some of the innocence in life that you so deserve.  That this journey will help you grow and learn but that you still keep your inner child at heart.  Many prayers coming your way and know that you and your family are thought about often.  It was an honor and a privilege to meet you.  In the end, I look forward to the "Michael kicked cancer's a$$" party!!!! 

For more pictures of Michael's event, please visit www.KerriMurphy.smugmug.com

"From what we get, we can make a living;



what we give, however, makes a life."

Rainy Wednesdays

I haven't much to report today.  It's one of those rainy days when you wish you could be curled up on the couch with the kids watching a Disney movie.  Layla is in a bit of a mood from not sleeping well last night.  I had them in bed at 7:30 but unfortunately they giggled and played for almost two and a half hours and didn't fall asleep until 10:00.  Thankfully, Hannah seemed okay this morning.  She can be wicked if she doesn't get enough sleep.  Cameron had a tough time going down last night as well.  He is normally my easiest.  I put him in the crib, he curls up with his blankets and goes right out.  Last night however, he needed a little help.  To be honest... I loved it.  I sat and rocked him for a while as he curled up in my arms.  I think I gave him about 1,000 kisses and each time he smiled up at me.  I can't believe this baby boy is 11 months.  Heck, I still can't believe I have a baby boy!

I am feeling a little tired myself.  I think it is these boogie allergies that have me achy and well, drawn out.  My eyes are heavy with dark circles.  I couldn't quite cover up the exhausted look today.  Does anyone have any good products they can recommend?  I've had two coffees and still cant quite seem to snap out of it!

Heading to dance with Hannah banana today and there are only a few more weeks left until recital time.  Today though, will be different because PETE is HOME!  I am so excited for him to see Brenna dance.  I still cant even handle that he is home and staying home.  Praise the Lord that he doesn't have to go back to Iraq.  He is home and he is safe.  I couldn't be happier. 

I was finally able to get through Mommy Maya's post last night.  I waited until I was alone and I sat in bed and read and cried.   There are no words.  No words seem to even come close to the compassion I have for this family and how angry I am that cancer took another child's life.  Please continue to keep this family in your prayers.  http://www.rockstarronan.com/

Stay well my friends..xoxoxo

"I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams.  And that faith gives you the courage to dare to do great things.  I'm here for you whatever this life brings.  So let my love give you roots and help you find your wings."  Mark Harris