Mother's Day 2015

“I will remember you, will you remember me…don’t let your life pass you by.  Weep not for the memories.”  Sarah Mclauchlan – I will Remember You

I reread my Mother’s Day post from last year…I’ll leave it at that.  The “Elephant in the Room” feeling started Wednesday.  No, actually it probably started sometime last week.  The emails, Facebook ads, flyers and every piece of literature that came in the mail started the pit in my stomach.  “What to get Mom for Mother’s Day…”  My initial reaction was “How cruel!  Don’t these people know?”  As my pulse calmed I thought and thought… and then thought some more. The new Kerri remembered her motto of trying to focus on the positive.  I forced myself to refocus…  although some days are easier than others and the uneasy feeling continued to grow throughout the week.  It was a hell week to begin with.  A week where each day I was required to be in three places all at once. 

“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?  Just like me, they long to be close to you…”  Carpenters- Close to You

Tuesday evening Hannah had middle school orientation.  Yep.  Let me say that again.  MIDDLE SCHOOL ORIENTATION.  What the CRICKETS!!  How did this happen?  I sat in the same cafeteria I sat at 28 sem odd years ago and watch my first born leave to tour the school.  At the end of the evening, the principal, whom I found to be just wonderful, showed a 4 minute video clip.. it started with an older man in the attic searching through boxes.  He found a box of photo albums and began looking at the photos of he and his wife who had gone on before him.  He came across a journal that his son had written and he never knew his son had kept a journal.  He too, kept a business journal during his life.  He went downstairs to compare the journals.  He opened his to a page where he had written, “Went fishing and didn’t catch a thing all day.  What a waste.”  He opened his son’s journal to the same date and read, “Went fishing with dad,  BEST DAY EVER!” As if I needed an excuse, the tears fell.  I quickly tried to hide them.  Ana caught me and grabbed my hand.  She had tears in her eyes as well.  My twin from another life. 

“Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it.  Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face.  Beam me up.  Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute’s enough.  Just beam me up.”  Pink – Beam Me Up

Wednesday was Cam’s Bright Start art show at Uno’s.  Unfortunately, the night before he gave me quite the scare.  (The positive?  The pit in my stomach about Mom stopped briefly).  He woke up with the croup cough.  Three kids and ten plus years of dealing with croup and I consider myself a pro.  I was in the shower when he came in.  It was late.  Actually it was early.  1:30am early.  I jumped out and grabbed him in my arms and tried to soothe him.  I wasn’t nervous at this point. Remember, I am a pro.  The barking cough continued and I quickly got dressed and laid with him in his bed.  By this point he was pretty worked up and in a matter of minutes, he got worse.  By worse I mean, not only was he coughing like a seal, but on his breaths in, he was making this God awful gasping noise.  Strider (see.. I even know what they call it.  I thank my asthma kid Layla for that.)  I’m still in control.  In my efforts to calm him down, I grab the nebulizer and hook him up. He’s hysterical and the breathing is only getting worse.  The neb does not help.  It’s about now I go into panic mode.  I’m alone.  The girls are sleeping.  Shit, I’m alone.  Did I mention that I am alone?  I turn on the shower hot.. steam, steam will help.  Steam does not help.  He’s getting worse.  I wrap him in a blanket and pray the cool air helps as I run outside with him.  Another failed attempt at helping him and he’s sounding worse as the minutes go by.  It is somewhere around 2am at this point.  I throw my hands up, grab him and run to the kitchen.  I give him a dose of prednisone praying to God that this helps him.  I take him downstairs and prop him in my arms on my bed and soothe him.  My pulse is astronomical at this point but I am still trying to portray a calmness so that he is not scared.  I have the phone in my hand.  My thoughts are as such;  Call the doctor.. call the doctor dammit.  Take him to Hasbro.. forget the doctor and take him to Hasbro. The girls are sleeping.  I am going to have to wake them and throw them in the car as well.  Can I do this on my own?  Of course I can do this on my own.  I do it all the time.  But wait, he needs to be held.. how can I drive and hold him?  Should I call Julie?  Mikey’s away.  I can’t call Julie.  Dad and Rob are away too.  Dammit… call the doctor.  Wait, he’s calming down.  Does his breathing sound better?  Am I going crazy?  I might be going crazy.  The doctor is going to think I am a loon.  I’m going to give it 5 minutes and then in the car we are going…  Those five minutes passed and thankfully, Cam fell asleep in my arms.  I spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and why I was so worked up.  I always remain calm in these instances and Lord knows I have had my share.  For the love of God what is wrong with me??  Sleep did not come for me that night.  The next day the doctor confirmed that yes, a pretty crappy case of croup he did have and more prednisone would do the trick.  The dose I gave him is what saved us the trip to Hasbro…  and he is just fine.  Me, I am obviously losing my ever loving mind, but Cam is just fine.

“It’s been a long day, without you my friend and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began, oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again, when I see you again…”Wiz Khalifa – See You Again
 

 

I got off track here though.  The art show.  As he wasn’t feeling well and had not gone to school, I couldn’t very well just show up.  Yet, this is his last preschool art show.. I need to see it.  I need to have him see me see it.  By mid afternoon he is perking up and I decide to order takeout from Uno’s and sneak in a few minutes before the event starts so we can sneak a peak.  His wonderful teachers allow me to do so and we begin our decent to the back room where the art is set up.  We walk in and then it hits me.  Last year.  Last year we were all there.  We took a picture in front of that art.  My mother in law, Grandmother in law, Cameron, myself and Mom.  Mom was still here. She was here.  Miss Kristen see’s my face and without me saying a word says, “I know.  I thought the same thing.”  She reached out and hugged me.       

“She got the call today, one out of the gray.  And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she couldn’t believe, it could happen to me.  I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.  We’re gonna get there soon.”  Mat Kearney-Closer to Love 

Thursday rolls around and I am jumping out of my skin.  I can’t put my finger on it.. oh hell of course I can put my finger on it...  So instead of giving in.. I decide to rearrange my whole office. If I stay busy I won’t feel.  I don’t want to feel.  I dive in.  Dad walks by and shakes his head.  He walks by again.. comes in and helps.  I’m just like him and he knows it.  I’m going crazy and he knows why.  He helps.  Several hours later I can breath again.  I sit at my desk.. everything reorganized and I can breath again.  Friday hits and I am determined to not let it suck me in.  It’s “Muffin’s with Mom” at Cam’s preschool.  I hold him tight and appreciate the little moments I have with him.  I adore him.  My feisty little monkey who keeps me yelling at unearthly high pitches because he is determined to take 10 years off my life on a daily basis.  I love him.  With all my heart.  We sit, we talk and as much as I am giving him all of me.. I drift for a moment or two. It’s coming.  Mother’s Day is coming and I can’t stop it.  Why is this particular holiday so hard for me?  I’ve been through so many already.  The firsts.  The first Thanksgiving.. Christmas, her birthday.. why is Mother’s Day sending me over the edge?  I kiss Cam all over and head to work.  I had agreed to help out during lunch hour at the girl’s school.  I concentrate on work and notice the time.. I’ve got about 25 more minutes before I have to leave.  All of a sudden Aimee walks through the door and into my office.  She gives me a hug and hands me a card.  I’m speechless.  She thought of me.  She sits and we talk for a bit.  All the while I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for her friendship.  In an instant, Alyson follows suit and comes in my office baring a card and a beautiful candle.  Wait what?  How on earth did I get so lucky to have these most amazing friends who think of me the way they do?  I don’t even have to say a word and there they are, lifting me up.  Always, lifting me up.   My heart swells.  I head to the school after expressing my gratitude to my girlfriends.  It’s the first time I’ve gotten to help out during lunch period and Layla is beside herself that I am there.  She can’t give me enough hugs and wants me to stay the day with her.  She shows me the ropes during lunch and stays by my side during recess.  I take a moment and relish this time with her.  My fairy foo foo always showing me how much love she has in her heart.  I take a few minutes with Re too.  That face of hers.  Sometimes I swear it’s my face staring back at me.  I decide to go in and take a minute with Hannah.  I want time with all three of my babies today.  I walk in the caf and look for the tallest, most beautiful little girl.. I don’t see her.  Where is she?  A mother friend of mine starts laughing as she notices her ducking down out of my sight in the lunch line.  Ha!  She should know better than to do this to me!  I casually walk over and kiss her straight on the cheek as she turns 10 shades of red but she is smiling.  She secretly loves it but won’t admit it.  I of course take it to the next level and give her one of my dance routines.  She laughs.  I love her.  My precious baby girl is growing up and our relationship is changing.  I’m embracing it.  Being able to spend individual time with all three of my children really filled my heart.  It was the exact medicine I needed.

 

“Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain.  Let her sing, if it eases all her pain.  Let her go, walk right out on me now and if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be. “  Darius Rucker – Let Her Cry

 

 

We spent the day running errands picking up the house and making Mother’s Day crafts for the family.  We thought we were home for the day when Lexi decided to eat one of Layla’s flip flops. Being that it was her only pair, we decided to venture out for a new pair.  As I was driving down the street, Sandy and Shannon were driving up the street.  Shan ran out of the car and handed me a beautiful basket of flowers.  Perched on top.. a butterfly.  The most amazing friends I do have. Always thinking of me, always selfless.  Always knowing where my head is at even when I don’t say a word.  Jenny sent a text this week with a beautiful article about motherless daughters.  Helen texted today sending me her love.  Melisa emailed love and support and I fully intend to have a mimosa with her tomorrow morning even if it is via long distance.  I am blessed.  I admit it and completely recognize it.  I do not take any of these friendships for granted.  They fill my heart, they really do.

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, the clock is ticking… Tomorrow is almost here and as hard as I have tried to keep them at bay, the tears will come.  It’s inevitable.  Mom, you were so much a part of my life and your presence here on this earth is so very missed.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t possibly begin to express the feeling of this hole in my heart.  And I know, I know what everyone thinks.  You would not want to live the way you were.  You were too full of life to live that way.  But Mom, you should have never had to live that way to begin with.  You should have never been burdened with this stupid disease and you should be here tomorrow.  Just like you always are.  I want to walk in Julie’s house and I want to hug and kiss you and wish you Happy Mother’s Day.  I want to HUG you dammit and I want to give you your gift.  Just as always.  I think back to the countless years Julie and I would go Mother’s Day shopping for you.  One that stands out in my mind was a Friday night Target spree, the two of us filling up a basket for you.  You were a few years into this stupid disease.  We were in the book isle.. you could still read then.  (5 or 6 years ago maybe?)  Julie was searching for books and I looked at the shelf and the cover of one particularly stood out.  “StillAlice”  I grabbed it and read the back.  I looked up and gave Julie my bug eyes.  She grabbed it and read the back.  I bought the book that night.  Read it in a day and handed it down to Julie.  God Mom, I even remember what I bought you last year for Mother’s Day.. you never even got to use it all.  I found the basket in your closet when we were going through your things.  It’s not fair.  I sound like a 4 year old, don’t I?  I don’t care because it isn’t fair.  Not one bit.  Almost 10 months and I still can’t come to terms with your death.  Is it because you were so full of life?  The only thing I dread worse than tomorrow is the fact that in two months, it will be a year since I have seen your face.  Held you.  How can this even be?  It can’t.  It just can’t be.  I should be better at this by now, no?   I have so much to be thankful for and yet I just can’t seem to get out of this overwhelming sadness.  I still make deals with God to bring you back.  I just want you back.  I lay awake at night thinking what could we have done differently.  How could we have saved you?  You deserved to be saved.  It seems like all these Alzheimers breakthroughs are on the brink.  Why couldn’t it have been 5 years ago?  Why couldn’t we have had the opportunity to make it stop? Keep it stable? 

Mom, on this Mother’s Day I make you one promise.  I will not let your death be the end of you.  I will choose to keep your legacy alive.  We’ve got plans Mom.  We’ve got big plans and I promise you I will see them through.  This isn’t the end.. You spent your life helping people and I swear to you we will spend your death making sure we help people in your honor.  In your name.  You deserve at least this.  I will make sure we do it your way.  I promise you with all my heart!  Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  Thank you for giving me 39+ years of being the greatest Mother I could have ever asked for.  Thank you for always being so selfless and so giving.  Thank you for instilling in me all your morals, values and beliefs.  There is no doubt it has made me a better person.  Send me a sign today please.. the music.. we always have our music.  Send it my way.  I’ll know it’s you.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are happy and somewhere beautiful.

“Autumn Leaves” Ed Sheeran

Another day, another life

Passes by just like mine

It’s not complicated

Another mind, another soul

Another body to grow old

It’s not complicated

Did you ever wonder why the stars shine out for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me.

Another tear, another cry

Another place for us to die

It’s not complicated

Another loved that’s gone to waste

Another light lost from your face

It’s complicated

Is it that it’s over or do the birds still sing for you?

Float down

Like autumn leaves

And hush now

Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Oh how I miss you

My symphony played the song that carried you out

Oh how I miss you

And I, I miss you and I wish you’d stay..

Touch down

Like a seven four seven

Stay out and we’ll live forever now…

Guilt

Guilt - The fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.  Synonyms - culpability, guiltiness, blameworthiness, wrongdoing, wrong.

That's a pretty crappy way to feel and yet so many of us live our lives riddled with guilt.  Guilt always seems to pop it's way into my life on an almost daily basis.  I am always feeling guilty for doing this or not doing that.  However, this morning as I was getting ready and before I woke the kids up for school, I thought about how I started this blog as a way for the children to look back and see how much I loved them throughout the years.  That someday I would direct them here, so they could be reminded of the love I've always had for them.  Somewhere along the line of the past year, the blog turned into a way for me to express the emotions of losing Mom.  Herein enters the guilt.  I started to get that pit in my stomach when I thought about the kids reading the past several posts and how our "Happy Times" have somehow been clouded by this overwhelming grief.  Grief over the loss of my mother, grief over the loss of my marriage.  Guilt.  It seems as though I have overcome a lot this past year.  I don't think I ever really appreciated the strength I had within me until now.  Not until being strong was the only thing I would allow myself to be and the only choice I had.  So in the name of "strength" I pushed that guilt back down and redirected my thoughts.  Yes this has been a tough year.  The toughest of my life... but here I am folks.  Still kicking, still breathing and with a whole hell of a lot of life ahead of me.  What a great lesson for the kids to read eh?  Yes, awful things happen in life and you have to pick yourself up, smile in the mirror, dust yourself off and move on.  Keep going.  We still have each other and we still have our memories of Mom and as long as there is life in me, I'll make sure that Hannah, Layla and Cam know that their Mother loves them and that I would do anything to keep us a happy family.  A new kind of normal but a normal just the same with love at the base of it.  Goodbye guilt.. I've got this.  The kids some day will appreciate the struggle inside me as they read how much I loved their grandmother and how difficult her journey was.  As they read how I gave my all to them and for them so that they could have better opportunity in this life.  They will be better people for it and just maybe they will learn a new lesson in regards to a mother's selfless love. (Thanks Mom)

So in the name of fresh starts.. here goes.  I can still write about the kids.. making sure to keep a journal of all our adventures of love together so that some day they can look back and have concrete evidence of how very much they were loved... but I can write about Mom too because there isn't any law that tells me I can't and because she was such a huge part of our lives, their lives and I want them to know the person she was, before she got sick. They deserve to know and her story deserves to be told.  Adios Guilt!  I got this! 

Here goes... 

Easter Weekend was last weekend.  The kids and I spent Friday coloring eggs and tidying up the house.  AH the house.  Did I mention that I have a gazillion dollars worth of ice dam damage?  That my entire room, bathroom and closet has been gutted and that I have been living downstairs?  That Hannah's room is missing a wall, the front entry way is missing walls and the sunroom floor has been ripped up and that my garage also has to be gutted?  Winter, you sucked!  Yet we are making the best of it!  My new saying these days is, "This wont be what breaks me.."  Although, my vacuum cleaner breaking last night.. THAT almost... almost was what broke me.  (People who know me, know what a catastrophic event this is).  Friday night, the kids went with their Dad and I took some "Me Time".  I'm starting to get use to that me time.  I never thought I would.  Saturday I had a wedding.   Erin Donovan and Eric Boyle married in Newport.  First let me just say that the kids and I pretty much watched that courtship from my bow window as Erin lived across the street and Eric up the street.  Watching Erin get married was bittersweet for me.  No child deserves this happiness more than she (yes Erin, you are still a child to me!)  Being able to see my sister, Alyson and Beth in the wedding was truly a gift... all three of them stunningly pregnant.  I don't remember being this excited for a wedding in a long time.  It was elegant and absolutely breathtaking!  Taking place at my old Alma Martyr, Salve's Ochre mansion while the reception was at Ocean Cliff.  The whole day was simply divine.  Yet, it is a new normal for me remember?  I kept looking around and taking it all in while thinking about how very much Mom would have loved to have been there.  She would have been beaming with pride for Erin as if Erin were her own daughter.  She would have been dressed to the nine's and the smile would have never left her face.  She would have torn up that dance floor with me and she would have enjoyed the night amongst her friends.  I can hear her laugh and I can see her face and exactly how she would have worn her makeup.  I can smell her perfume.  I'm SO VERY grateful for these happy images that come along every once in a while.  All too often these are not the images I see.  My heart ached for Dad as I know it was a tough night on him.  Riddled with the happiness for Erin and the loneliness for himself, as here we are at another happy occasion without Mom.

Sunday I rose early to go to church.  I met the family there.  These Sunday's without the kids at church make me insane.  I am so use to the kids being with me at all times, that I sometimes panic when they are not.  It's such a strange feeling.  I buried the feeling and prayed.  After church was Easter dinner with the family.  My heart ached without the kids and being around my nieces and nephew.  I buried it.  I'm getting quite good at putting on my "happy face".  Finally the time came for me to pick them up and I thoroughly enjoyed our afternoon of egg hunting and them opening their baskets.  The only downside to the day is that I learned my banana no longer believes.  CRAP!  If I could, I'd let her believe til she was sixteen.  I have to have a conversation with her.  I need alone time with her.  As sad as I am, I do look forward to the coming years with her as my sidekick making the magic happen for Layla and Cam.  I feel like this will be a new type of relationship for Hannah and I.  Where has the time gone?  (sigh)  Sunday night was the perfect cuddle night with my three cherubs as they were happy to be home and quite exhausted themselves.  So we jumped into bed, in my downstairs apartment (lol) and let the thoughts of our weekend take us into our dreams.

I thought of you today Mom.  (silly.. I think of you everyday)  Eddie Falco came across my newsfeed and I laughed.  Then I thought about James Gandolfini.  I laughed again.  Are you with him?  I had forgotten that he had passed and then all these thoughts came into my head.  (Do you see why I don't sleep?)  I started thinking about how much you loved to watch the Soprano's with the family and how EVERYONE thought you looked like Carmella.  It even became your nickname.  You ADORED it.  You use to get such a kick out of it!  (I can hear your laugh).  It was a thing.  Sunday nights at your house or auntie's and we would all pile around and watch.  Life was so fun then Mom.  So carefree.  So full of love.  Help me find these days again Mom.  I really need them to get by.  I miss you, love you and I hope you are someplace beautiful. 

Kids, I love you.  Remember that always. 
xo

Happy Thanksgiving

I am finally switching gears from work and photography to TURKEY DAY!   I am also very happy to admit that I am keeping the mind frame of not letting anything stress me out!  I have been placing sticky notes in my car each morning with the list of things that need to get done, whom to pick up, drop off and where.. and I swear it is helping me stay focused and complete the tasks.  So on this Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.. I DO NOT have to go to the market!  Yipeee!!!  While it scares the ever living crap out of me that I have to live like this to remember tasks, I am ignoring the voices in my head that say it has to do with a certain disease and quite frankly it just has to be the fact that I am running in a gazillion different directions.  That's it.  It HAS to be!

So last night I decided to put myself in time out.  I've worked 21 days straight and my brain just needed to shut off for an evening.  I left the laundry, I left the dishes, I left the dust bunnies under the bed and I left the pool of water that had spilled over from Layla's bath onto the floor.  I sat.  Still.  For longer than 5 minutes.  Layla and I cuddled up on the couch and began to watch November Christmas.  When Hannah returned home from hockey, she joined us.  I will say, that this movie is by far the best Hallmark Channel Christmas movie ever.  Twice I looked over at Hannah because although she is so much like her daddy, she does have some mommy in her too.  As I looked over with my own tears streaming down my face, I met her face with her own tears pouring down.  We shared a brief mother daughter moment before Layla chimed in, "Are you two kidding me?  This is ridiculous... "  as she ran off laughing to fetch us a roll of toilet paper.

Aside from this wonderful evening with my girls, I also had another moment with my baby boy yesterday.  Due to a recent schedule conflict with one of her caretakers, I am able to step in and spend some time with Mom on Tuesdays.  I felt really bad that I had to drag her around town to complete all the tasks on my sticky note.  It was a lot of getting in the car and getting out of the car.  At our first stop, I got out, unbuckled Cameron and then walked around to unhook Mom's seat belt and help her out of the car.  What I didnt realize was that my little 3 year old munchkin was watching my every move and taking it all in.  At our second stop, he demanded I take him out of the car seat before I could even kill the ignition and put the car in park.  As soon as I unbuckled him he jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side of the car, opened my mother's car door, jumped on her lap, unbuckled her seat belt and helped her out of the car.  I stood there in awe watching him.  He continued to do this the rest of the day and he would say, "See Mommy, I'm a gentleman!"  Dumbfounded by how much he has understood my Mother's illness, I hugged him and told him he was my special, special little man. 

 

 

So it was a day of moments.  Warm your heart, fuzzy warm nice moments.  For that I am grateful! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving with their families and friends.  I truly hope that you all can find some time to sit back and take in some warm, fuzzy moments for yourselves!
xo

Living Life

It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos.  I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them.  The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids.  Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.

I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get.  It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life.  When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time.  Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride.  Like now.

I've been working alot.  A LOT.  From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off.  Don't get me wrong.  I am THRILLED to have this step happen.  I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future.  I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate.  I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them.  While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital  mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs.  Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends.  My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work.  Adding to this is my mother's steady decline.  (Sigh) 

Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us.  We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us.  We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease.  The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us.  From my father, to my siblings to my children.  While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.

My kids are getting older.  They are aware more.  They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease.  They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong.  Except Hannah.  My Hannah knows what's up.  She knows.  She's so smart.  Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time.  What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was.  Their grandmother.  Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do.   They get nervous around her, which kills me.  We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam.  They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box.  Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them.  Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts.  It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go.  That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child..   Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape.  Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN!  For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song.  Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now.  I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive. 

So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought.  Time.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.  My balancing isn't working.  I haven't yet learned the word, "No".  You think I would have by this point.  It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro.  Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to get off this ride.  I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax.  I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family.  This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it.  So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out.  I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.

 

Lucky Ol' Sun

I swear I feel as though it has been raining for weeks straight around here.  But today, oh today that sun is finally shining and I finally feel as though Spring might be here.  Please oh please let it stay this way for out big day on Sunday!  Thank you Jesus!

I had begun to write several posts the past few weeks, but I couldn't seem to find half a second to finish them.  I swear there are never enough hours in the day!  So I am beginning a new post.  Lets see if I can finish it!

My Mother's Day was awesome.  I was granted my one wish and that was for all five of us to attend Church together.  Cameron has been at that age where taking him out in public has become a public safety hazard, let alone take him to Church.  However, we soon will be switching back to my beloved St.  Phillips and the cry room there is much bigger than St. A's so we gave it a shot.  He was excellent...ok, well almost.  Most of the parishioners came out of it unscathed! LOL  It was just nice to have all five of us there (plus Nonnie and Papa).  It was exactly the way I had wanted to start my week.  After Church we went to our annual brunch at Julie's.  The kids played and the adults sat and talked while Billy and I took turns chasing Cameron.  Dad got his ritual hair cut by Uncle Mike on the front porch.  After spending some time with my family, we met Billy's family at La Cucina for some more yummy food.  This is where I was asked to be Miss Bailey's God Mother.  I cried.  Of course I cried.  How lucky am I?  I love that little pudding pop and having the chance to be a God Mother to both Reanna and Bailey, means the world to me.  It's an honor I dont take lightly.  Thank you Auntie Leanne and Uncle Dan, for chosing me!  The girls were on their best behavior while playing with their cousins, but Cam was toast with no nap so he and Mommy hung out in the car for a bit while he entertained the parking lot pretending to drive the car... and then he found the horn.  No explanation needed.  I think we finally arrived home around 5:00 PM and I was able to relax on the deck with a glass of wine!

This week has been NUTSO!  That is an understatement.  Miss Hannah is making her First Communion this Sunday.  St. A's is super strict and the kids all have First Communion practice every day from 3:30 - 5:00.  Needless to say it is a very long day for these 7 year olds.  School from 9-3, CCD from 3:30 - 5 and then all the other activities that they have commitments too.  For Hannah it's dance and hockey.  Poor Hannah barely made it through Monday and that was her easiest day.  By 6:00 she was melting down.  We sent her outside to play with the chickens and that seemed to help calm her down.  (Have I mentioned that we have chickens now?)  Only 7 (well almost 8) but I swear the poor kid was stressed out..and quite frankly I don't blame her!  Personally, I think it is a little excessive to have practice every day.  But we are almost at week's end and we have survived!  Did I mention she was asked to do a reading and therefore will need to be back at practice on Saturday at 11?  So much of my week has been carting kids back and forth here and there.  We are almost done!  We were able to fit in a photo shoot of Han in her dress after her interview with the Priest last Saturday.  (Yes, they had to have an interview as well... to make sure they knew their stuff.)  The dress looks adorable on her.  It is so HER!  We had fun taking pictures.  She is very easy to photograph!

Back to the chickens.  Who knew that this was one of my husband's life long dreams?  To raise chickens as pets.  I thought he had severely bumped his head when this all came out.  Actually, he kept most of it from me which in retrospect was probably a good thing.  He disassembled his grandparents old shed and reassembled it in our yard.  I sincerely thought it was for the kids yard toys.  My assumption was entirely incorrect and I began to realize this when bails of hay started making their way into the shed and then a coop was being built.  That being said, these one year old Rhode Island Reds have made their way into my heart.  All seven of them.  They really are cute and quite easy to care for.  I love watching them and they have begun to get really use to us.  They come up to us now and actually like to be pet.  Hannah is their mother.  She picks them all up and loves on them.  Feeds them and cares for them.  She is a pro with them and it is so adorable to see.  Never in a million years did I think that we would be doing something like this but I so love it.  Farmer Bill.. who would have thunk... ???  The best part is the fresh eggs! 

Aside from all the running around, I was able to take a few days off last week and chaperon Hannah and Layla's field trips.  Layla had hers at the circus.  No way in God's name was I about to send her off without me on that one.  Good thing too, because the two of us ended up needing inhalers and allergy medicine just from sitting in the audience.  It was however, an awesome show!  Probably the best I have seen.  It was so nice to just spend that time with Layla alone as well.  We never get that.  Plus, she is my easiest!!!  My cuddle bug love hog.  We had a blast!  Hannah's field trip was at an Audobonne Society in Bristol.  The weather did not cooperate and it poured.  Buckets.  Yet, it didn't stop us from exploring the wetlands outside.  Out we were, with rain pouring down, checking out salamanders, birds, nests, frogs, ponds, gunk... and everything nature like.  By the time we got back to the school we were all drowned rats!  It was fun and I was so glad that I was able to experience these trips with my girls! 

Other than that I am full speed ahead the finishing touches of the Father Daughter Dance.  We have over 100 responses which is pleasing.  After this weekend I will then finish up the last minute details and I cant wait for that day to arrive! 

Now on to the weekend filled with errands, house cleaning, birthday parties, block parties and preparing for my baby girl's First Communion!  God Bless!

Redemption Baby!

Could I be any more excited?  Ok.. well the only way I could be any more excited would be if Tedy Bruschi were playing in this Super Bowl!  LOL  BUT HOT DAMN MY BOYS ARE GOING TO INDY!  Game on Giants!  I can smell some sweet redemption baby!  I'm not sure if I can wait two weeks! 

Excitement was surely what our weekend was all about.  FINALLY, after all three of the kiddos ended up sick with fevers and on antibiotics, we ended up having a healthy weekend that began with sledding Friday after work.  UM Hysterical!  Quite reminiscent as well.  Watching the girls sled down the same hill in the front yard that I once did.  LOVED IT!  After sledding we went in for dinner and Brenna came on by for a play date.  The girls finished out the evening with a soak in the jacuzzi complete with bubbles galore!

Saturday was filled with MORE SLEDDING as the snow continued to fall. We set up path on the other side of the driveway and I am not sure who had more fun, the kids, or Billy and I.  Once I got my groove back (it's been years since I have been on a sled!)  I hit the old time death slide and took off down the driveway.  Yup, I still got it!  Right across the street I flew and it had just as much thrill as it did when I was a kid!  Billy even flew on down on Cam's tricycle which was even more hilarious.  I think I can still hear the kids laughing at us.. except for Cameron.  He just pretty much ed screamed the whole time.  Not such a fan of the snow! LOL  After hours of playing, sledding, shoveling, snow blowing and making snow angels, we went inside for some hot cocoa.  I ended up calling my hairdresser to see if she had any cancellations with the snow and thankfully she did.  I was in desperate need for some "me time" and my hair was in desperate need for some color.  It was an awesome afternoon and an all around awesome day.  I seriously felt like a kid again.

Yesterday was Hannah's hockey day at the P Bruins.  What a kick we get out of these events.  She gets so excited and we LOVE to watch her.  Tough to keep the two little ones entertained, but worth it to see Hannah's face while we cheered for her.  I love watching these kids skate and shoot.  I also love our hockey family.  We have some truly nice parents and families involved with NRI and I love that we have become this fun group.  Hopefully we can find some sitters in the near future and all go out and have a good time.  I forget the last time Billy and I had a social night with friends.  It's been ions.  After the games, I headed home to put Cam down for a nap and wait for my Jersey girls to stop by.  My college roommate Aimee, her twins, Skylar and Sydnee and her boyfriend Thomas were in town.  LOVE seeing them.  Seeing Aimee always brings me back to a really fun time in my life.  Our college days were so sweet and special and just seeing her face brightens my day.  I love our time even though with our hectic schedules it is usually only a short while.  Hoping to plan something with her and the girls soon! 

Then it was game time and I spent it on the couch hooting and hollering, screaming and cussing... (I can't help it!)  When the Ravens missed the field goal.. that was it.. I was up in a crazy victory dance that literally shocked the schnikies out of Hannah.  Her face was priceless!  She stood there for several minutes before she realized it was safe to join in.  Layla just laughed her pants off at me.  Just like that... The Patriots are in the Super Bowl!

Onto how my "FINDING ME" saga is going. Well it is going pretty great. At the root of it all is my issues with hating being in my own skin. The weight had to come off. Cameron is 18 months. There are no excuses anymore. SO I began, 9 days ago. This grueling, depriving, but healthy diet. It's only so grueling and depriving because of how awful my eating habits were prior to starting. It's been tough. Each day, hour and even minute has been a mind game and struggle. There is candy, chocolate, brownies, pizza.. you name it, constantly in front of my face. Yet my willpower has prevailed. Nine days later, I can honestly say that I have stuck to it and have not cheated once. I have talked myself out of these crazy cravings. (What I wouldn't do for cheesecake!) I have stayed strong, keeping my eye on the prize. A new me, who is happy and proud to be in her skin. I weigh in tonight and I am hoping for some big results. However, I feel as though after only 9 days, I already have seen some big results. Aside from things fitting better, I have a renewed sense of energy and zest for life. I can't believe how much more energy I have! The "old me" would have watched Billy out in the snow with the kids while I cooked and cleaned. The "new me" was right there with them having a blast. It's a great feeling. That I can assure you. It trickles down to everything in my life. The kids have a blast with me, Billy enjoys the fun... it's making me a better wife and a better mother and that is all I ever wanted (Aside from being happy in my skin). So there. I am actually doing it. One day at a time. I am changing my life. I think I'll leave on that positive note! Happy Monday.. how great it is to be a part of Patriots Nation!

Self Reflection

I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder.  Actually, I think I went to bed with it last night.  For some reason, I just got this overwhelming urge to change my life in ways I have always wanted to but have never managed to succeed in.  This surge of a feeling that I want to fix all the things I have always wanted and bring ME back.  I miss ME.  ME somehow got lost amongst the shuffle of being a mother, a wife, a coworker, a daughter, a sister, a maid, a taxi cab, a cook, a caretaker and a house cleaner.  I know ME is in there, but it is going to take some work, a lot of digging out and a lot of self reflection to find her.  I feel like I am in one of those Where's Waldo maps.  You know he is there, you just have to search to find him. 

I told Billy before I went to bed that there are things that I need to change.  That I don't want his support and I won't talk about it again, but that I would be searching and doing everything possible to get ME back.  I don't mean to sound harsh or rude about not wanting his support.  Aside from Billy not being this big supportive, "Wow you're doing great!" type of person, I also didn't want it to be another excuse on my part.  "Well Billy didn't support me so that is why I failed."  (Does that make sense?)  I want to do this on my own.  FOR ME, BY ME.  I feel like it is going to be a little journey to find myself again and that is ok.  I recognize that it is something that will take time and not just happen overnight.  What do I hope to gain from my travels?  I hope to find that person that once had inner peace and who was proud of herself.  Who had self worth and self respect.  That fun loving, carefree, giggle toes of a person.  The one who loved who she was and not the one who can't stand to be in her own skin.  I know for certain that if I can dig this person back up, all else will fall into place.  I know it.  I want to provide the best atmosphere for my children, husband and family.  I'm tired of the monotonous, boring routine we have found ourselves in.  Life is too short.  I want to make it the best it can be.  I am determined to make it the best it can be.  I want to be the best mother and the best wife I can be.  So herein lies the challenge.  I'm up for it, I am determined.  I am just praying that I can find the will power and self discipline it takes.  Here goes nothing.

Aside from this revelation, I've got a Layla bug who is under the weather.  She has a temp of 103 and is quite congested.  She is also extremely MISERABLE.  The poor bug is completely put of character.  She wouldn't even let me put her down for five seconds yesterday to stir the meatballs.  Hopefully we can get her on the mend so she can go back to school on Wednesday.  Hannah thankfully, is starting to feel better and is back to sleeping better as well.  Her attitude, well.. it's gotten slightly better... but we are going to have to work on that.  Let's just say she gave me so much trouble with a shirt she wanted to wear today.  She has these crazy vices with articles of clothing.  She swore the sleeves werent buttoned properly even though I told her a bazillion times they were.  She can't stand the feel of things.  I found her in the drawer trying to tape the sleeves.  Yes, folks.. she is quite the determined little bugger.  After 20 or so minutes of a meltdown, she came over o me and had me button them the same way I first did and then she walked away happy. Sound like anyone else I know?  I'm going to make an appointment for the both of them to go to therapy! LOL  I kid, but it is actually on my list of things to do!  Cam man is still kicking strong over here.  We have dubbed him the one man wrecking machine.  Currently his favorite food is cottage cheese and he will scream MORE MORE MORE every time I open the fridge and he sees the container.  He wants it and he wants it now and he lets you know.  He is a riot.  I could eat his face off.  I can't believe how much he understands what we say.  I can tell him to go pick up his toys and he will.  I can tell him to go get his cup and he will.  He knows exactly what we are asking him to do.  He is also a big fan of brushing his teeth.  He often goes in the bathroom, grabs the stool and yells, "BREEF BREEF"!!!  I have to put several slabs of toothpaste on his Scooby Doo tooth brush before he is ultimately satisfied.  I still can't believe how quickly this is all going by with him!

The twins are doing great and are actually breathing on their own.  MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!  Please continue to keep them in your prayers so that they may grow and come home in a month or so!  THANK YOU!

Stay tuned.. for the new ME!

Love these bubble toes!



So very precious!!!

Blessings! :)

DANG IT!

I swear if I could take back the past two weeks I would.  Turns out that Hannah's ear was so bad the doctor didn't know how she wasn't crying about it.  Crying?  The kid at SEVEN can't even verbalize that her ear hurts!  So all the yelling.. all the punishments, all the stress on her and us... is because the kid can't verbalize pain.  Maybe because the kid was in so much pain as a newborn, she can't distinguish it!  So as I choke back the lump in my throat and the guilt rising in my gut, I have come to the decision that it is time we take her back to Boston.  I don't know how Billy will feel about this, but I, we, owe it to her.  I should have known.  She only ever acts this terribly when she has an ear infection.  I am not saying that she is not a tough kid and often needs discipline, but these past two weeks have been awful with her and now I know why.  I just wish I could have saved her from it all.  I feel so guilty for waiting so long to take her.  Both tubes are out.  Grrr.. and it was AGAIN the left ear.  Hmmmmmmmm how many times have you heard me say this....That left ear tube is deformed.  I know it is.  The hemangioma deformed it.  She is seven and still needs tubes.  Doesn't anyone get that this is going to be a long term issue?  We need to find a long term solution before my kid loses hearing over it!!!!  My heart is telling me to go back to Boston.  Push for an MRI and start talking to doctors about some of her behavioral problems being linked to what she went through as a baby.  I am her mother.  I won't stop til we have some answers and get this straightened out.  She deserves more and I am going to give it to her.  Dang it, I'd like to slap myself upside the head as I am so mad at myself for not listening to my gut and taking her sooner!  That being said, I am hoping that after a few more days of antibiotics, she will start feeling better and we will have our Hannah back. 

I know I will catch some flack for this because I know people think that it is no excuse for her behavior.  (Not that I care what people think but...)  I would just like you to take a minute and think about what this kid has been through.  She was a mere two weeks (or sooner) away from losing her life.  The pressure was so built up in her head that she was on the verge of suffering a stroke and seizing to death.  She had a blood clot on her brain and these Hemangiomas (tumors) everywhere all over her brain.  Wouldn't it be likely that some of these issues could cause her to have some behavioral problems?  Especially since she can't distinguish pain in this region?  I am not condoning her behavior and it is dealt with, but at the same time you have to understand that this is her way of communicating with us that something is wrong.  She lashes out because that is the only way she knows how to express it.  That's all I can say.  I know this is what is going on and that is all I will say.

She let me put her hair up in the doctors office... it looked so cute!

The girls were also picking out bedrooms for the new babies!!!  We'll get to that in a second....  Looking at this picture I can even see it in the bags under her eyes.  My poor baby!

My purple bundle!!!

and then there is this guy... who more recently likes to strip his clothes off... OYE

I took a break from de-wallpapering last night and created this masterpiece!  I was so proud of myself and I love how it turned out!

AND NOW ONTO DEM BABIES!!!!!  Caiden and Madeline have arrived!!!!!  Caiden Stephen weighed in at 2lbs 8oz and Madeline weighed in at 3lbs 5oz.  Both are doing well and will obviously be spending some time in the NICU being that they are 9 weeks early but THANK YOU JESUS for bringing them to us safe and sound!  Mama and Papa bear are also doing well, although Kirsten is my HERO for being in labor for 48 hours and enduring it!  YOU GO GIRL!  Congratulations YOUNG FAMILY OF FOUR!!!!  We LOVE YOU!

Caiden

Madeline

xo