I'll get by with a little help from my friends...

Suffering from insomnia these days, affords me a lot of time to "think".  Night time always seems to creep up on me and as tired as I am, sleep does not usually come easy. "Thinking" time for me can go either one of two ways, it can either be the start of my own demise or it can provide me a profound sense of counting my blessings.  I like it best when it goes the latter as getting too wrapped up in my own head is never very good for me.  Last week, I found myself in complete silence for quite some time.  For those who know me, I don't do silence.    Three kids usually does not afford me this "luxury" and when the silence creeps in, I'm left alone with my thoughts.  Insert the insomnia here.  Being that I am working very hard at being the master of my own destiny, a skill that certainly needed some brushing up on, I concentrated my thoughts on all that surrounded me.  As I sat and thought, the blessings began to surface.  At the forefront... this AMAZING group of friends I have.  Somehow along the way of this thing called "life", I've managed to surround myself with quite the group of loving, caring, funny, eccentric, kindhearted people.  I'm not sure how I got so lucky!  I sat and thought about the events of the week.  I started my weekend with my high school clan.  The 6 of us.  Moments where all 6 of us are together are special and rare and yet, there we were catching up like old times.  Our lives taking on all different directions and leading us to different states, but not a single one of us didn't relish those few short hours, all together to celebrate a milestone birthday.  At the forefront of our friendship, love.  40 years has seen us through trials, tribulations, losses and achievement and doted in our older and wiser bodies, we have this new found appreciation of the deep love that exists between us all.  Perhaps it's the tight squeeze hug, the all too knowing glance or the barrels of laughter exchanged between us.. but I do believe the mere sense of each of us trying to portray to each other, how much we truly love one another and how appreciative we are for our friendship is always forefront.  Possibly, we are much wiser now due to the life experiences we've had?  I think back to the trivial heartache we all shared in high school and fast forward to now and there isn't a single one of the 6 of us that hasn't experienced a true loss.  Life is fleeting.  We have learned that lesson the hard way.  So delved in appreciation I pray that the 6 of us have many more cherished moments all together.  I'm so proud that our friendships have stood the tests of time and that throughout the chaos of life, we can still sit amongst each other and have our "Now and Then" moments. Life is happening now.  Let's not wait too long before our next rendez vous ladies!

Then there are my girls.. Shannon and Sandy.  Shannon and I go way back.. as far back as dancing school can take us.  Most days she is my saving grace.  She can talk me out of my head like no other and most nights, is up right along side of me texting away.   When I think of Shannon, the words "honesty" and "loyal" always come to mind.  She is brutally honest and I say this in a good way.  If ever there were a person who needed this in her life, it'd be me.  Don't sugar coat, give it to me straight.  I like that much better.  It's real and it does not leave these gray areas to analyze.  Shannon and Sandy both knew my week would be filled with silence and decided to make sure I didn't have too much time to myself.  From bookings to Sandy making dinner, my days and nights were filled.  Yet, I couldn't mention Shannon without mentioning laughter either.  Quite possibly the best thing about our friendship (aside from our deep, meaningful conversations) is the laughter between us.  It sometimes becomes a competition between us who can make each other laugh more.  Shannon always wins hands down because sarcasm is a gift that I was not born with.  The nights we spend laughing are always my favorite.  I remember writing an essay senior year in High School.  We had to write about ourselves and our beliefs.  The final line of my essay was that "looks fade, time passes, too many goodbyes are said, but if you spend the time laughing in this life, I assure you no regrets will be had when it's your time to say good bye.  I believe that laughter can cure the world.  In the end.. I did it My Way."  Hmmm maybe I was a bit of a smarty pants back then because I still believe this to be true.  What feeds your soul more than laughing?  I'm grateful to have this gift in my life especially with Shannon.  She's always there.  Always.

And if by chance I should find myself with a split second of down time, I get the "Alyson" text.  No way, no how is she going to sit by and let me get all up in my head either.  She won't have it.  "Dinner will be ready at 5:00.. bring your tap shoes."  Al-O and I have been friends since birth.  Literally.  There isn't much we haven't been through together and oh how I enjoy our nights and the calmness they bring.  I think what I like best is how I don't have to think around Alyson and Adam.  I can just be.  Tune the world out and rank on the newest reality tv show out there (which most of the time I have never seen).  Being around Alyson reminds me of our childhood, Mom and Debbie times.. The good ol' days.  She too, brings this element of laughter into my life.  There isn't a time I don't spend with her that doesn't result in some type of wheezing, gasping laughter and usually some sort of video exposure.  She is pretty much the only other person besides Shannon I can be completely dead on honest with and she loves me just the same and celebrates my uniqueness.  How very lucky am I?  Oh my dear friend, how excited I am for you to be embarking on this new chapter in your life.  Motherhood.  

I could sit here for days and write about the amazing group of friends in my life.  Truthfully I could.  I'm fortunate and I am so blessed to be surrounded by such good people in my life that help to stifle the quiet times.  I'm doing much better at taking a breath, appreciating and honoring the relationships that I do have.  Life is too fleeting not to.

Mom, I found your robe last night.  I had put it in a safe place when the house fell apart and then forgot where that safe place was.  I needed it last night.  It still smells like you.  I fell asleep with it over my pillow.  How I wish I had you here to talk to.  So many things I want to say to you.  So many things I need to hear from you.  I wish more people would bring you up.. talk about you.  It's like no one wants to bring you up because they know it hurts, but it hurts not bringing you up either.  I need to hear the stories and I need to hear your name.  I don't want to forget a single moment.  I get so afraid I'll forget.  Most of all, I just miss our mother daughter friendship.  There are those moments that still sharply take my breath away.. the moments of disbelief.  The clock keeps ticking.. time keeps going.. you're still not here.  I love you, I hope you are safe and somewhere beautiful...xo

Living Life

It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos.  I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them.  The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids.  Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.

I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get.  It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life.  When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time.  Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride.  Like now.

I've been working alot.  A LOT.  From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off.  Don't get me wrong.  I am THRILLED to have this step happen.  I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future.  I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate.  I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them.  While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital  mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs.  Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends.  My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work.  Adding to this is my mother's steady decline.  (Sigh) 

Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us.  We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us.  We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease.  The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us.  From my father, to my siblings to my children.  While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.

My kids are getting older.  They are aware more.  They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease.  They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong.  Except Hannah.  My Hannah knows what's up.  She knows.  She's so smart.  Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time.  What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was.  Their grandmother.  Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do.   They get nervous around her, which kills me.  We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam.  They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box.  Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them.  Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts.  It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go.  That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child..   Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape.  Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN!  For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song.  Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now.  I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive. 

So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought.  Time.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.  My balancing isn't working.  I haven't yet learned the word, "No".  You think I would have by this point.  It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro.  Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to get off this ride.  I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax.  I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family.  This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it.  So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out.  I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.

 

Falling into cooler weather...

Have I said lately how much I love these kids of mine?  I swear if it weren't for them I would be crawled up under a rock somewhere.  They are what keep me going on the good days and even more so on the bad days.  I am so grateful and thankful that they are in my life.  That they are these three, sweet, adorable little beans and that they are mine.  I'm not sure how I got so lucky, or what I ever did to deserve them but I can't even begin to imagine my life without them.  There's nothing more to it.  Period.  End of story!

We spent the Columbus Day weekend up North.  New Hampshire in the Fall is my favorite, although the temperatures were extremely warm that you would have sworn it was the dead of summer.  Thankfully, the foliage was so breathtaking that it reassured me that this surely was the Fall Season.  We visited our favorite craft fair and I even picked up a few Christmas presents.  I have this thing for the painted wooden country signs with the cute sayings.  Let's just say that the ones I chose fit the people I chose them for perfectly!  The kids then headed up to Loon's Octoberfest with Billy and the rest of the gang while I hung back with Cam so that he could go down for his nap.  Mama ended up snuggling up and catching herself a few winks herself.  Don't remember the last time I did that!  We spent the rest of the weekend visiting our favorite spots.  Sugar Hill Sampler, Harmon's Cheese Shop and the candy store.  I stocked up on my favorite Cider Tea at the Sugar Hill Sampler.  If you ever get there, it's a must have!  We carved pumpkins and raked leaves into a pile so that the kids could jump in.  Seven kids in total and yet you would never even know it.  They were so well behaved!  Sunday night I decided to head to one of the famous moose sighting spots.  (Yes, I am still obsessed with seeing one)  Hannah came along and we began our drive on the Kangamangus.  The traffic coming back into town was ridiculous so I was glad we were heading north and not stuck in it.  As we were driving, Hannah said she wasn't feeling well.  I told her to close her eyes and try to rest.  25 minutes later, I found our spot and it was exactly dusk.  (Best time to see a moose)  We got out of the car and Hannah was just not right.  I felt her head and yes, she was burning up.  I grabbed a blanket for her and we sat on a rock for barely five minutes waiting for a moose.  I knew I had to get her back home and back in the car we went.  (Again, no moose!)  The poor kid was so sick she was whimpering on the way home.  Heading south was a complete traffic jam and it took us forever to get home.  I got her up the stairs just in time and that was it.  Banana just about made it to the bathroom before she got sick.  We were up the entire night with her, but thankfully by morning she had begun to feel a bit better and her fever was down.  We packed it up and headed on home as Layla now had begun to feel warm and my stomach was not right. 


It seems as though we all ended up with a touch of something and now we are all suffering with these nasty colds.  Blech!  I feel so bad for the kids as they can hardly breath and their noses are all pouring.  Layla had a rough day at school yesterday and they said she was just not her usual, spunky self.  I brought her home and on the couch she stayed for the rest of the evening.  Cam's face is all chapped from his nose running and he is just not his happy self.  He hardly ate a bite of lunch and is currently conked out in the pack n play.  Billy went to bed at 8:00PM last night, so I know he is not feeling well either.  I am just feeling plain yucky.  It is the type of day where all you want to do is stay on the couch and watch movies.  Then again, that would only take place in my "Stay at Home Mom" pipe dream.  Hopefully we can get healthy again by the weekend.  We have birthday parties to attend.  Hockey practice, CCD and Hannah has her first game.  Fingers crossed we get on the mend! 


I was able to get an hour and half out with Hannah after work yesterday.  DATE afternoon!  We never get much time just the two of us and I was feeling quite guilty that that the child was suffering in the clothes department.  Everything is too small on her and she just doesn't have many clothes at all.  The other two get tons of hand me downs (TY Ant Denise) to add to what they get for their birthdays and Hannah doesn't get this.  She is the oldest and the biggest.  We didn't have the money to go back to school shopping this year so she has just been making do.  Plus the weather has been so warm that she was able to just continue to wear her summer things.  I scraped some money together and out we went yesterday!  She was so excited and so happy to be buying some new things.  We got her some great boots at Target and finally some new underwear!  Then we headed on over to Childrens Place and picked up a few long sleeved shirts and a jean skirt.  We tried our best to make the money I had stretch as much as we could and she was really good about.  (It drives me crazy how expensive clothes are... especially for kids!)  She was happy!  Her night was complete when her Halloween Costume arrived when we got home.  I was happy to have her feel special for the day.  She deserves it.  We finished the evening out with completing her homework.  She had to find a favorite poem and be prepared to read it to the class.  She chose "My Special Diet" by Kenn Nesbitt.  I have to share it because I just love it too much.  And if you heard her read it you would be grinning from ear to ear. 

My Special Diet

Fish sticks, Tater Tots,

Candy bars, baloney,

Ice cream, Bubble Gum,

Cheesy Macaroni.

This is all I ever eat

Don't knock it til' you try it,

I haven't lost a single pound,

But still I love my diet!

Love it!  The little booger!  I am a smidge concerned about her however.  She woke up yesterday complaining of neck pain on the left side.  It seemed to get a little better by night time but this morning it was worse.  She was crying this morning because it hurt so badly and she had a tough time getting a shirt over her head.  I had assumed that she had just slept wrong the night before but now that it is getting worse I am a little concerned.  At her check up last week, Dr. Sowa mentioned her ear tubes were out.  (great.. ugh)  The left ear is her worst ear and this is also the one where the hemangioma is wrapped around her Eustachian tube.  It's hard not to think that something could be going on here.  I'm sorry, I know it sounds neurotic, but after going through what I went through with her, I will never question my worry.  I told her we would give it one more day to see if it gets any better and then I would take her in to see Dr. Sowa.  I am hoping it is just a little muscle ache or maybe some achy glands from her cold.  Fingers crossed she'll feel better by morning.  

Happy Thursday!

xo



PS:  HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SHANNY (OCTOBER 8th).. MY TWO TIME BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR!  LOVE AND BLESSINGS!  TO MANY MORE YEARS OF BEING CANCER FREE!

Supporting Michael

How do I even begin?   I am still so overwhelmed with emotion about meeting the Cotrone Family and little Michael in particular.  Friday evening was the fundraiser and I had been contacted months ago via a High School friend, Alison Armstrong.. now Oliver (but she'll always bee Armstrong to me) if it was something I was interested in donating photography services to.  The word "No" was not in my vocabulary.  It wasn't even a thought in my brain.  Immediately, I thought about all the blogs I follow about children fighting cancer.  How these families, even though I don't and will probably never know them, have touched my life in a way I don't think I could ever explain.  How their words have moved me.  How I have cried with these families as if they were my own.  As if I had known them for a gazillion years.  These blogs have taught me so much about my life.  Most of all they have taught me how to appreciate every single blessing in my life.  No matter how big or small.  That even though I may be going through some bumps along the road, nothing could be worse than experiencing your child battle cancer.  These "strangers" have changed me as a person.  I remember reading Layla Grace Marsh's mother's post about how she wished she had not been always in such a rush.  Using an example about when her little Layla use to be in the way when she was trying to empty the dishwasher and how Layla would be under feet as she tried to get chores done. ...  And then when Layla flew home to be with the angels, how she would give anything to have her Layla back to be under her feet again.  How she wished those things hadn't gotten to her.   I remember thinking how I would go through the exact same situation and be frustrated because I was in a hurry to get this chore done and kids were under my feet.  After reading Shanna Marsh's post, how I have learned to enjoy those moments that can easily turn into frustrating ones.  Cameron helps me every day empty the dishwasher now.  And although I may rush to get the knives out so he doesn't get hurt, I ENJOY chasing after flying forks and spoons, sippy cups and plates as he hums them across the kitchen floor!

So when Alison contacted me I knew this was my chance to give back when previously I had felt so helpless in this cancer world.  I have three, gorgeous, healthy babies.  They weren't always healthy and we have had our share of heartache with their health, but they are cancer free.  Today they are healthy.  I am not naive enough to know that this could all change in an instant.  So instead, I continue to count my blessings and make each day count.  I was honored and thrilled to be a part of this event!  I felt grateful to be able to do something to help this local family that I had never met.  So many of my friends and family jumped on board and helped with donations and gift certificates that I was proud to call these people my friends.  It seems as though you turn on the news or open up a newspaper and hear so much about what is wrong with this world.  Very rarely do you hear all that is good in this world.  Guess what though?  There ARE good people in this world.  Who care and who realize how great the feeling of giving back is!  I am lucky to know so many of these people and the word, "thank you" can not even begin to express the gratitude I have towards them. 

From the second I approached Erin, (Michael's Auntie whom ran the entire event) and she gave me a great, big, giant squeeze hug, I knew this was where I was meant to be.  The event was for lack of a better word. AWESOME from beginning to end.  From all of the attractions for the kids, face painting, tattooing, caricatures, to the bright PINK firetruck and police cars that came in support of Michael.  It was all just plain awesome!  The raffle prizes, the music, the UNBELIEVABLE cake, the smiles on every one's face, the kids dancing and playing.  These were the moments to soak up.  Michael's entrance to the event was nothing short of movie stardom and Erin took so much time to think everything out so completely, that there was no stone unturned.  I can honestly say that I don't think one person could have walked away from that event saying, "Oh we should have done this.."  because it was all there.  All there in an enormous display and outpouring of love for a family. 

Perhaps one of my favorite moments in the evening was actually meeting Michael and saying hello.  Having Shannon introduce herself and pose for a photo with Michael.  It was a bit overwhelming for me to take that photograph knowing that Shannon is a two time breast cancer survivor and this little twelve year old boy is going through some of the exact same things she had to endure.  Yet it was also bittersweet because Shannon is a survivor and I took it as a sign that Michael will be too.  He will beat this demon.  I overheard his Mother in the bathroom talking to some friends about how anything and everything that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong with Michael.  How it is normal to get blood clots in your legs while undergoing his cancer treatments and how Michael ended up with blood clots on the brain.  This hit home for me and those of you who know what I went through with Hannah know why it hit home.  All I can say is that my Hannah is one tough, little cookie for going through what she did and I pray that Michael too, will continue to gain strength through his journey.  If anything, Friday night proved as a true source of strength to be gained by the display of love for this one little boy and his family.

Billy, who is my rock, solid, show no emotion husband.. (and me quite the opposite) was touched by the event. He thoroughly enjoyed bringing the kids and watching them enjoy the celebration.  Thank you GOD for keeping them on their best behavior!  I thanked him several times for supporting me and rushing home from work to get the kids dressed and to the event.  For supporting something that I have become so passionate about.  Each time I thanked him, he responded by saying there was nothing to thank him for.  He was glad to be there and glad to be supporting a great cause.  For those of you who know Billy, these words don't often exit his mouth.  Knowing that Michael had touched his heart, melted mine.

I think the only thing left to say is how close I felt to this family even though this is the only time our paths have ever crossed.  I come from a tight knit, extremely close Italian family and I remember being perplexed growing up noticing that not all families were like mine.  As we grew older and our friends' parents' became our parent's friends, we realized that we had somehow surrounded ourselves with people who were like us in this aspect.  My inlaws are much the same.  Family comes first.  Family, is the most important thing in life.  Without family, you have nothing.  From the moment I walked through the doors at Kirkbrae, it was quite evident that this family, was much like my own.  For a sister to give so much of herself, her time, her love to support her brother, his family, his son, is the true definition of love for a family.  Beyond words. 

Michael, little man.  Stay strong.  Stay positive.  Continue to surround yourself with your loving family and loving friends.  You had so many of your buddies there supporting you that it brought fresh tears to my eyes.  You have chosen some really great people to be your sidekicks through this.  Continue to draw your strength from them.  My wish for you is that you can somehow keep some of the innocence in life that you so deserve.  That this journey will help you grow and learn but that you still keep your inner child at heart.  Many prayers coming your way and know that you and your family are thought about often.  It was an honor and a privilege to meet you.  In the end, I look forward to the "Michael kicked cancer's a$$" party!!!! 

For more pictures of Michael's event, please visit www.KerriMurphy.smugmug.com

"From what we get, we can make a living;



what we give, however, makes a life."

Loving on the beans

This week has totally come in and saved the day!  We had a GREAT week and I am so thankful and so blessed to have enjoyed many little miracle moments with these beans of mine.  The week prior had been a bit of an adjustment with taking three kids to work and making it work for all of us.  Add in just a few other responsibilities and my lack of patience got the best of me.  Not this week.  This week ROCKED!  Maybe it was because the week was centered around my Meatball's 7th Birthday or maybe it was because I am now in a routine.  Either way, it rocked and I'm grateful!


Hannah had such a great week and she has been on her best behavior!  Thankfully because that little girl had been getting a bit of a fresh mouth the week prior.  All of her birthday celebrations were a blast.  From her Makenzie, Arielle sleepover to her Rockin' Roller Skating party.  Baby, Baby, OH was her cake a delight and she could not have had a bigger smile on her face.  This week was full of FUN and we enjoyed every single second of it.  My new routine of getting up at 5:00AM to walk also allowed me to have extra time to get things done (laundry, dishes, etc..) in the morning and therefore I was able to soak up the kids all the more.  I am so not a 5:00AM girl, but I am learning to be.  Now if I can just learn to get my butt in bed earlier I would be all set!


I found time to love on each of these bugs separately this week and it warmed my soul.  From showering Hannah with birthday love and having her crawl into my bed and snuggle up close, to having Layla climb up on my lap so I could sing to her while she hugged and kissed me, to rocking my baby boy and teaching him how to blow kisses... I took the time to take in these moments and realize how special they are.  Have I mentioned that I now have a WALKING baby boy?  He wins the award for being the youngest to walk.  Hannah was 13 and a half months and Layla was 14 months.  What I wouldn't do to freeze these moments in time.  I just keep praying to God that He gives me all the time in the world with my love bugs.  Please just let it stay the way it is.  This world can be such a cruel, cruel place.  If you turn on the news there are horrible, awful stories of horrible, awful things happening to children.  If you you follow any of the same child cancer blogs that I do, you see that there are too many parents dealing with the cruel loss of a child or watching their child suffer and all they can do is watch helplessly.  These awful things happen to good people.  Good people who cherish their children.  I'm not naive to know that I am safe from any of this.  I just pray that the Lord keeps us all healthy and keeps my blessings safe from any harm.  They are my life.  My world. I don't exist without them.  Sometimes you have to remind yourself that the best gifts you have, are right in front of your face.  I use the blogs I read about these cancer warriors to keep me grounded and remind me of this. 

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"