July 14, 2015

I should be better at this by now shouldn't I?  One whole, entire, painfully lonely year.  Without you, Mom.  My emotions are all over the board.  One second I can't breath because I miss you so much and the next I am elated you didn't have to live any longer trapped inside your mind and body.  Then the next second my chest hurts because the pain of missing you is so real.  Physically real.  The tears haven't stopped since Saturday..  but the difference in this passage of a whole year's time is that the memories that keep popping in my head daily now, are usually ones of you well.  I'm relieved for that.  You're well and smiling and happy.. doing all your happy little things in all your happy little places.  Smiling.. smirking.. happy.. peaceful..  It had been so long since I could remember you this way.. barefoot.. puttering in your gardens, chomping on a fresh green bean.. on the beach deck smiling.. swimming in the ocean laughing..   teasing one of us kids in the kitchen.. chasing after us with the wooden spoon.. but forefront in all these memories is your smile.. laugh.. teeth.. lips.. smiling...  silly eyes.  ..  smiling...    I'm so very grateful but my heart is still broken and life will never, ever be the same. 

Mother's Day 2015

“I will remember you, will you remember me…don’t let your life pass you by.  Weep not for the memories.”  Sarah Mclauchlan – I will Remember You

I reread my Mother’s Day post from last year…I’ll leave it at that.  The “Elephant in the Room” feeling started Wednesday.  No, actually it probably started sometime last week.  The emails, Facebook ads, flyers and every piece of literature that came in the mail started the pit in my stomach.  “What to get Mom for Mother’s Day…”  My initial reaction was “How cruel!  Don’t these people know?”  As my pulse calmed I thought and thought… and then thought some more. The new Kerri remembered her motto of trying to focus on the positive.  I forced myself to refocus…  although some days are easier than others and the uneasy feeling continued to grow throughout the week.  It was a hell week to begin with.  A week where each day I was required to be in three places all at once. 

“Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?  Just like me, they long to be close to you…”  Carpenters- Close to You

Tuesday evening Hannah had middle school orientation.  Yep.  Let me say that again.  MIDDLE SCHOOL ORIENTATION.  What the CRICKETS!!  How did this happen?  I sat in the same cafeteria I sat at 28 sem odd years ago and watch my first born leave to tour the school.  At the end of the evening, the principal, whom I found to be just wonderful, showed a 4 minute video clip.. it started with an older man in the attic searching through boxes.  He found a box of photo albums and began looking at the photos of he and his wife who had gone on before him.  He came across a journal that his son had written and he never knew his son had kept a journal.  He too, kept a business journal during his life.  He went downstairs to compare the journals.  He opened his to a page where he had written, “Went fishing and didn’t catch a thing all day.  What a waste.”  He opened his son’s journal to the same date and read, “Went fishing with dad,  BEST DAY EVER!” As if I needed an excuse, the tears fell.  I quickly tried to hide them.  Ana caught me and grabbed my hand.  She had tears in her eyes as well.  My twin from another life. 

“Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it.  Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face.  Beam me up.  Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute’s enough.  Just beam me up.”  Pink – Beam Me Up

Wednesday was Cam’s Bright Start art show at Uno’s.  Unfortunately, the night before he gave me quite the scare.  (The positive?  The pit in my stomach about Mom stopped briefly).  He woke up with the croup cough.  Three kids and ten plus years of dealing with croup and I consider myself a pro.  I was in the shower when he came in.  It was late.  Actually it was early.  1:30am early.  I jumped out and grabbed him in my arms and tried to soothe him.  I wasn’t nervous at this point. Remember, I am a pro.  The barking cough continued and I quickly got dressed and laid with him in his bed.  By this point he was pretty worked up and in a matter of minutes, he got worse.  By worse I mean, not only was he coughing like a seal, but on his breaths in, he was making this God awful gasping noise.  Strider (see.. I even know what they call it.  I thank my asthma kid Layla for that.)  I’m still in control.  In my efforts to calm him down, I grab the nebulizer and hook him up. He’s hysterical and the breathing is only getting worse.  The neb does not help.  It’s about now I go into panic mode.  I’m alone.  The girls are sleeping.  Shit, I’m alone.  Did I mention that I am alone?  I turn on the shower hot.. steam, steam will help.  Steam does not help.  He’s getting worse.  I wrap him in a blanket and pray the cool air helps as I run outside with him.  Another failed attempt at helping him and he’s sounding worse as the minutes go by.  It is somewhere around 2am at this point.  I throw my hands up, grab him and run to the kitchen.  I give him a dose of prednisone praying to God that this helps him.  I take him downstairs and prop him in my arms on my bed and soothe him.  My pulse is astronomical at this point but I am still trying to portray a calmness so that he is not scared.  I have the phone in my hand.  My thoughts are as such;  Call the doctor.. call the doctor dammit.  Take him to Hasbro.. forget the doctor and take him to Hasbro. The girls are sleeping.  I am going to have to wake them and throw them in the car as well.  Can I do this on my own?  Of course I can do this on my own.  I do it all the time.  But wait, he needs to be held.. how can I drive and hold him?  Should I call Julie?  Mikey’s away.  I can’t call Julie.  Dad and Rob are away too.  Dammit… call the doctor.  Wait, he’s calming down.  Does his breathing sound better?  Am I going crazy?  I might be going crazy.  The doctor is going to think I am a loon.  I’m going to give it 5 minutes and then in the car we are going…  Those five minutes passed and thankfully, Cam fell asleep in my arms.  I spent the next 2 hours trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and why I was so worked up.  I always remain calm in these instances and Lord knows I have had my share.  For the love of God what is wrong with me??  Sleep did not come for me that night.  The next day the doctor confirmed that yes, a pretty crappy case of croup he did have and more prednisone would do the trick.  The dose I gave him is what saved us the trip to Hasbro…  and he is just fine.  Me, I am obviously losing my ever loving mind, but Cam is just fine.

“It’s been a long day, without you my friend and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began, oh I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again, when I see you again…”Wiz Khalifa – See You Again
 

 

I got off track here though.  The art show.  As he wasn’t feeling well and had not gone to school, I couldn’t very well just show up.  Yet, this is his last preschool art show.. I need to see it.  I need to have him see me see it.  By mid afternoon he is perking up and I decide to order takeout from Uno’s and sneak in a few minutes before the event starts so we can sneak a peak.  His wonderful teachers allow me to do so and we begin our decent to the back room where the art is set up.  We walk in and then it hits me.  Last year.  Last year we were all there.  We took a picture in front of that art.  My mother in law, Grandmother in law, Cameron, myself and Mom.  Mom was still here. She was here.  Miss Kristen see’s my face and without me saying a word says, “I know.  I thought the same thing.”  She reached out and hugged me.       

“She got the call today, one out of the gray.  And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she couldn’t believe, it could happen to me.  I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.  We’re gonna get there soon.”  Mat Kearney-Closer to Love 

Thursday rolls around and I am jumping out of my skin.  I can’t put my finger on it.. oh hell of course I can put my finger on it...  So instead of giving in.. I decide to rearrange my whole office. If I stay busy I won’t feel.  I don’t want to feel.  I dive in.  Dad walks by and shakes his head.  He walks by again.. comes in and helps.  I’m just like him and he knows it.  I’m going crazy and he knows why.  He helps.  Several hours later I can breath again.  I sit at my desk.. everything reorganized and I can breath again.  Friday hits and I am determined to not let it suck me in.  It’s “Muffin’s with Mom” at Cam’s preschool.  I hold him tight and appreciate the little moments I have with him.  I adore him.  My feisty little monkey who keeps me yelling at unearthly high pitches because he is determined to take 10 years off my life on a daily basis.  I love him.  With all my heart.  We sit, we talk and as much as I am giving him all of me.. I drift for a moment or two. It’s coming.  Mother’s Day is coming and I can’t stop it.  Why is this particular holiday so hard for me?  I’ve been through so many already.  The firsts.  The first Thanksgiving.. Christmas, her birthday.. why is Mother’s Day sending me over the edge?  I kiss Cam all over and head to work.  I had agreed to help out during lunch hour at the girl’s school.  I concentrate on work and notice the time.. I’ve got about 25 more minutes before I have to leave.  All of a sudden Aimee walks through the door and into my office.  She gives me a hug and hands me a card.  I’m speechless.  She thought of me.  She sits and we talk for a bit.  All the while I have this overwhelming feeling of gratitude for her friendship.  In an instant, Alyson follows suit and comes in my office baring a card and a beautiful candle.  Wait what?  How on earth did I get so lucky to have these most amazing friends who think of me the way they do?  I don’t even have to say a word and there they are, lifting me up.  Always, lifting me up.   My heart swells.  I head to the school after expressing my gratitude to my girlfriends.  It’s the first time I’ve gotten to help out during lunch period and Layla is beside herself that I am there.  She can’t give me enough hugs and wants me to stay the day with her.  She shows me the ropes during lunch and stays by my side during recess.  I take a moment and relish this time with her.  My fairy foo foo always showing me how much love she has in her heart.  I take a few minutes with Re too.  That face of hers.  Sometimes I swear it’s my face staring back at me.  I decide to go in and take a minute with Hannah.  I want time with all three of my babies today.  I walk in the caf and look for the tallest, most beautiful little girl.. I don’t see her.  Where is she?  A mother friend of mine starts laughing as she notices her ducking down out of my sight in the lunch line.  Ha!  She should know better than to do this to me!  I casually walk over and kiss her straight on the cheek as she turns 10 shades of red but she is smiling.  She secretly loves it but won’t admit it.  I of course take it to the next level and give her one of my dance routines.  She laughs.  I love her.  My precious baby girl is growing up and our relationship is changing.  I’m embracing it.  Being able to spend individual time with all three of my children really filled my heart.  It was the exact medicine I needed.

 

“Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain.  Let her sing, if it eases all her pain.  Let her go, walk right out on me now and if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be. “  Darius Rucker – Let Her Cry

 

 

We spent the day running errands picking up the house and making Mother’s Day crafts for the family.  We thought we were home for the day when Lexi decided to eat one of Layla’s flip flops. Being that it was her only pair, we decided to venture out for a new pair.  As I was driving down the street, Sandy and Shannon were driving up the street.  Shan ran out of the car and handed me a beautiful basket of flowers.  Perched on top.. a butterfly.  The most amazing friends I do have. Always thinking of me, always selfless.  Always knowing where my head is at even when I don’t say a word.  Jenny sent a text this week with a beautiful article about motherless daughters.  Helen texted today sending me her love.  Melisa emailed love and support and I fully intend to have a mimosa with her tomorrow morning even if it is via long distance.  I am blessed.  I admit it and completely recognize it.  I do not take any of these friendships for granted.  They fill my heart, they really do.

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, the clock is ticking… Tomorrow is almost here and as hard as I have tried to keep them at bay, the tears will come.  It’s inevitable.  Mom, you were so much a part of my life and your presence here on this earth is so very missed.  I can’t explain it.  I can’t possibly begin to express the feeling of this hole in my heart.  And I know, I know what everyone thinks.  You would not want to live the way you were.  You were too full of life to live that way.  But Mom, you should have never had to live that way to begin with.  You should have never been burdened with this stupid disease and you should be here tomorrow.  Just like you always are.  I want to walk in Julie’s house and I want to hug and kiss you and wish you Happy Mother’s Day.  I want to HUG you dammit and I want to give you your gift.  Just as always.  I think back to the countless years Julie and I would go Mother’s Day shopping for you.  One that stands out in my mind was a Friday night Target spree, the two of us filling up a basket for you.  You were a few years into this stupid disease.  We were in the book isle.. you could still read then.  (5 or 6 years ago maybe?)  Julie was searching for books and I looked at the shelf and the cover of one particularly stood out.  “StillAlice”  I grabbed it and read the back.  I looked up and gave Julie my bug eyes.  She grabbed it and read the back.  I bought the book that night.  Read it in a day and handed it down to Julie.  God Mom, I even remember what I bought you last year for Mother’s Day.. you never even got to use it all.  I found the basket in your closet when we were going through your things.  It’s not fair.  I sound like a 4 year old, don’t I?  I don’t care because it isn’t fair.  Not one bit.  Almost 10 months and I still can’t come to terms with your death.  Is it because you were so full of life?  The only thing I dread worse than tomorrow is the fact that in two months, it will be a year since I have seen your face.  Held you.  How can this even be?  It can’t.  It just can’t be.  I should be better at this by now, no?   I have so much to be thankful for and yet I just can’t seem to get out of this overwhelming sadness.  I still make deals with God to bring you back.  I just want you back.  I lay awake at night thinking what could we have done differently.  How could we have saved you?  You deserved to be saved.  It seems like all these Alzheimers breakthroughs are on the brink.  Why couldn’t it have been 5 years ago?  Why couldn’t we have had the opportunity to make it stop? Keep it stable? 

Mom, on this Mother’s Day I make you one promise.  I will not let your death be the end of you.  I will choose to keep your legacy alive.  We’ve got plans Mom.  We’ve got big plans and I promise you I will see them through.  This isn’t the end.. You spent your life helping people and I swear to you we will spend your death making sure we help people in your honor.  In your name.  You deserve at least this.  I will make sure we do it your way.  I promise you with all my heart!  Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  Thank you for giving me 39+ years of being the greatest Mother I could have ever asked for.  Thank you for always being so selfless and so giving.  Thank you for instilling in me all your morals, values and beliefs.  There is no doubt it has made me a better person.  Send me a sign today please.. the music.. we always have our music.  Send it my way.  I’ll know it’s you.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are happy and somewhere beautiful.

“Autumn Leaves” Ed Sheeran

Another day, another life

Passes by just like mine

It’s not complicated

Another mind, another soul

Another body to grow old

It’s not complicated

Did you ever wonder why the stars shine out for you?

Float down, like autumn leaves

And hush now
Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me.

Another tear, another cry

Another place for us to die

It’s not complicated

Another loved that’s gone to waste

Another light lost from your face

It’s complicated

Is it that it’s over or do the birds still sing for you?

Float down

Like autumn leaves

And hush now

Close your eyes before the sleep

And you’re miles away

And yesterday you were here with me

Oh how I miss you

My symphony played the song that carried you out

Oh how I miss you

And I, I miss you and I wish you’d stay..

Touch down

Like a seven four seven

Stay out and we’ll live forever now…

Blessings at 9 months

Tomorrow is the 14th.  I never thought I'd come to dread the 14th... but I do.  I despise it.  That day of the month will never be the same for me.  Tomorrow, it will have been 9 months since my mother took her last breath.  I still can't wrap my brain around it.  9 months.. How has so much time passed?  I can't believe I have lived 9 months without you Mom.  I think back to those days so often.. They say that as time passes, those last memories will fade and be replaced by the older good ones.  I hope that happens Mom because I still can't shake those last days.  Every time I think about you, those last days are at the forefront of my mind.  I force myself to push them down and remember the good times because there were so many.  Yet, I always think about your final days and how it was spent with all of us loving you.  I pray with all my heart that you felt us.  That you felt our love.  I spent those days taking you all in and giving you my heart and all the love that I had.  God, I hope you felt it.  I hope you heard our words.  I hope that on some level you were comforted knowing that you had raised us to be the people you always wanted us to be.  That on that day when the angels came, you looked down upon your entire family and knew at that moment, how very much you were loved.  Because you were loved Mom.. so very much loved.  That last day was so dreadful.  I pray that you were already on your way then... that you weren't really in your body anymore.. but on your way to the good Lord.  You gave us all an incredible gift that day.. on your dying day.. you were still thinking about us.  The words that keep ringing in my ears are the words of our dear friend, Father Najim.  As we sat on your final day and you kept coming back to us... amongst the anguish Father broke the silence, shook his head and said, "Look at her.  She's giving you a final gift.  She's giving you one last lesson in strength."  Those words comfort me Mom.  It was so typical of you to always think of us first.  Selfless.. always.  I hope you know how much you are missed.  We all miss you so much.  Your friends.. Debbie.. I can't look at her without thinking about your friendship and all the years you spent together.  When I see her face, I see you.  I'm not sure why.. but I feel like she is a continuation of you.  I'm looking forward to her coming home from Florida and spending some time with her reveling in our memories of you.  Julie, Rob, Amanda, Mikey.. the kids.. we all miss you so much.  There is always this empty space.. a hole in our hearts... you're the only one that can fill it.  The kids ask about you all the time.  They truly miss you.  Dad.  I'm so proud of him.  He's trying so hard.  I know he is... but Mom you took so many pieces of him with you.  I guess that's what happens when you spend your life with your one true love... 

Auntie Charlene's Fundraiser was this past Sunday.  Auntie is Dad's sister and is both Mom & Dad's best friend.  To give you a little history, Dad met Mom when she was hired at KFC.. yep she dated her boss!  (Go Mom!)  Auntie was her trainer.  They became instant friends and their friendship only flourished when Mom and Dad got married.  When I think about our childhood, those two were always up to something together.  Thelma and Louise.  I was blessed to have Auntie Charl named as my God Mother.. and you know what a God Mother means to an Italian family.. if you don't know then I'll tell you.  My Aunt has been there for every scrape, broken bone, broken heart.. every triumph and every tribulation.  She was my Confirmation Sponsor and she was there riding shotgun when I use to drive by the houses of  the cute boys in high school.  For as long as I can remember, she has been such an instrumental part of my life.  We've always had an inseparable bond and she has always been like a second mother to me.  There are so many memories I have of Auntie that it would be impossible to express them all.  She is just always there.  You can imagine how we felt when Auntie was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma less than two weeks shy of losing Mom.  As if our worlds weren't coming crashing down to begin with.. we learned that Auntie had cancer.  As sick as she was during Mom's final days.. she did not leave her side.  Beyond insufferable exhaustion from her own disease, she sat by Mom's side and made sure Mom knew how much she was loved.  Their bond could never be broken.

Auntie Charl took her diagnosis like a champ and stared it in the face.  With her family surrounding her she began her fight.  Treatments at Dana Farber, infusions, chemo, more infusions, more chemo and then the horrible bone marrow procedure.  Dad threw himself into being there for his best friend and sister.  He needed her as much as she needed him.  Together they'd make the Wednesday trips up and my cousins and Stephen would do the Saturdays.  Certainly there were tough days.. but she always managed to drag herself up out of them and keep fighting.  I had the opportunity to be with Auntie on the day she decided it was time to shave her head.  I knew how difficult this day would be for her and I was honored to be the one who took her.  That day turned into one of the best bonding moments for us yet.  We could have cried.. we could have totally SOBBED.  We didn't.  She sat there so brave in the chair, watched her locks fall to the ground and smiled... then we went to IParty for wigs!  Not just any wigs either.. LOL  We filled that day with love and laughter (frozen yogurt) and despite it being such a traumatic day, we turned it around and made it fun!  I'll cherish that memory always as it really stands out to me how very strong my aunt is. 

The days crept on and the trips to Dana Farber continued. All which lead us to yesterday.  For those of you who don't know about this cancer, it is incurable and has a very high rate of coming back.  I am thrilled to say that Auntie's cancer is sleeping and God I pray it sleeps for a long, long time to come.  Bills had begun to pile up adding to her stress when Danielle and Amy approached us about doing a fundraiser...it took off from there. Together as a family we banded together and made it happen!  With Amy, Danielle and Dad at the helm.. the Friends of Charlene Barron came to life!

I don't think ANY of us expected it to happen the way it did although.. I will say that I am not surprised.  My Aunt's generosity and good nature has touched MANY people on this earth.  There isn't a single person she meets, that doesn't remember her.  (I can attest to this as I can't tell you how many times we have been in public together and she doesn't just run into one person she knows.. but like 10...All of whom are always ecstatic to see her).  She has this zest for life and enthusiasm unlike any other.  You never see her without a big, beautiful smile plastered across her face.  Yesterday, I would say close to 400 people were in attendance at her fundraiser.  What a testament to such an amazing person!  There were so many friends and family there to support her I hope that her heart remains full for a long time to come.  THANK YOU just simply isn't enough.

Auntie, I know that these past 9 months have been the worst you've been through, for so many reasons.  I am so proud of the way you have courageously taken on this battle all while grieving Mom.  I often think that Mom knew there was no way for her to survive her disease and it was her time to go be at peace.  At the same time, I know she left this world wearing your heart on her sleeve and she is going to make damn sure she see's you through this.  Together as the amazing family that we are, we are going to Crush It with our angel guiding us from above and we will always be your CREW!  I love you from the bottom of my heart and I can't wait to be sipping NO PROBLEMS on the beach with you this summer!  We've got your back.. always!  Be brave ;)

So this my way of finding the blessings, amongst missing my mother dearly. 9 months..  Continue to guide us Mom and we'll continue to count every single blessing.  Each day is a gift friends.. cherish that gift!

Promise me you'll always remember,

You're braver than you believe,

Stronger than you seem

and Smarter than you think. 

But the most important thing is,

even if we're apart

I'll always be with you..

Happy Thanksgiving

I am finally switching gears from work and photography to TURKEY DAY!   I am also very happy to admit that I am keeping the mind frame of not letting anything stress me out!  I have been placing sticky notes in my car each morning with the list of things that need to get done, whom to pick up, drop off and where.. and I swear it is helping me stay focused and complete the tasks.  So on this Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.. I DO NOT have to go to the market!  Yipeee!!!  While it scares the ever living crap out of me that I have to live like this to remember tasks, I am ignoring the voices in my head that say it has to do with a certain disease and quite frankly it just has to be the fact that I am running in a gazillion different directions.  That's it.  It HAS to be!

So last night I decided to put myself in time out.  I've worked 21 days straight and my brain just needed to shut off for an evening.  I left the laundry, I left the dishes, I left the dust bunnies under the bed and I left the pool of water that had spilled over from Layla's bath onto the floor.  I sat.  Still.  For longer than 5 minutes.  Layla and I cuddled up on the couch and began to watch November Christmas.  When Hannah returned home from hockey, she joined us.  I will say, that this movie is by far the best Hallmark Channel Christmas movie ever.  Twice I looked over at Hannah because although she is so much like her daddy, she does have some mommy in her too.  As I looked over with my own tears streaming down my face, I met her face with her own tears pouring down.  We shared a brief mother daughter moment before Layla chimed in, "Are you two kidding me?  This is ridiculous... "  as she ran off laughing to fetch us a roll of toilet paper.

Aside from this wonderful evening with my girls, I also had another moment with my baby boy yesterday.  Due to a recent schedule conflict with one of her caretakers, I am able to step in and spend some time with Mom on Tuesdays.  I felt really bad that I had to drag her around town to complete all the tasks on my sticky note.  It was a lot of getting in the car and getting out of the car.  At our first stop, I got out, unbuckled Cameron and then walked around to unhook Mom's seat belt and help her out of the car.  What I didnt realize was that my little 3 year old munchkin was watching my every move and taking it all in.  At our second stop, he demanded I take him out of the car seat before I could even kill the ignition and put the car in park.  As soon as I unbuckled him he jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side of the car, opened my mother's car door, jumped on her lap, unbuckled her seat belt and helped her out of the car.  I stood there in awe watching him.  He continued to do this the rest of the day and he would say, "See Mommy, I'm a gentleman!"  Dumbfounded by how much he has understood my Mother's illness, I hugged him and told him he was my special, special little man. 

 

 

So it was a day of moments.  Warm your heart, fuzzy warm nice moments.  For that I am grateful! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving with their families and friends.  I truly hope that you all can find some time to sit back and take in some warm, fuzzy moments for yourselves!
xo

Mind Over Matter

I took the weekend to calm my brain and get reacquainted with a schedule.  A schedule that includes the words, "no".  I have to say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been reminding myself daily that I am not perfect.  That I don't have to "do it all" and that I CAN let things go.  What is it in me that makes me crazy if a bed isn't made or the laundry isn't done?  It helped to have a somewhat calm week to muttle around in.  I just keep reminding myself that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.. blue skies in, gray skies out.  I have been spending time with the kids this week.  Not sort of spending time.. like the half ass time that I usually try and spend with them while I fold laundry, work or make dinner.  Time like, getting in the sand box with them and letting them help make dinner.  Stepping away from my desk at work to turn a cardboard box into a house.. complete with doors and windows.  It has helped. 

Most days I feel like being a mommy is the best medicine a girl could have.  Yes, my kids run me ragged and can raise my stress level to an unchartable amount but these children can also give me an enormous amount of love and affection.  To see their little minds work and hear how they talk, how they learn, how they love.. is quite possibly for me, the biggest reward, heart filler, I will ever get.  I sat down at Layla's preschool this week to have a Mother's Day breakfast with her.  She couldn't do enough for me and got the biggest kick out of waiting on me.  I think we gave each other a million hugs and kisses that morning and I left that school with my heart full. 

I've also been trying to have a little more patience with Cameron.  Oh.. he is tough..  lol.. but I have been taking a step back and watching his little mind work and appreciating it.  Appreciating the fact that he is a wild man because one day that little wild man is going to do great things with all his bountiful of energy!

Hannah has had a great week and has only bared her grizzly attitude a few times.  She has been a lot of help this week and takes such good care of Layla and Cam.  She'll step right in and help out with them whenever they need tending too.  She also shocked me by giving me a kiss this morning before she left the car to walk into the play yard.  I have been asking her for two weeks and today, she did it without me asking.  All the other times she would roll her eyes and say "no" while she quickly exited the car... but today.. KISS!  I hope someday when she reads this she'll realize just how much that one kiss meant to her mommy!

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of the girls in their younger years.  I dont know if it is the fact that the birthdays are just around the corner.. but Hannah especially.. I have these pictures of them that I had taken stuck in my head.  One when Hannah was 2 or 3 and we went to Gallilee.  She was prancing on the beach in her gray Block Island sweatshirt... with a pink bow practically taped to her scalp with no hair.  Layla, when she fell asleep sitting in the high chair with Pastena all over her face.  And then I get scared when I really try to remember what they were like at certain ages and it gets harder and harder for me to recall.  I'm trying to remember when it was just Hannah.. what were bath times like?  I do remember that was the time I would take with her to teach her new things.  Like her letters, her name, songs, etc.. You Are My Sunshine.. lol   But what were our conversations?  Did she tell me she loved me all the time?   It's even harder to remember the times when it was just me and the girls.  I remember the beginnings of it.. but that's really all.  sigh... is it the exhaustion?   I feel like I could nod off at any point throughout the day.  I really don't get a good night's sleep.. maybe that's why I function in Zombie mode most days?  I can't imagine how comatose I would be if it weren't for caffeine.. my SwingJuice.  etc..

My Layla baby (yes she is 5 and I will always call her my baby-lol)  has also been having some more GI issues.  I didnt think it was much before and kind of just let it go, however, the issues have been more and more frequent and I am starting to think that her Eosinophilic Esophagitis is having a flare up.  She had been doing so well that I almost forgot she was diagnosed with it a few years back.  She started gaining weight, came off the million dollar formula and started growing.  Billy and I started connecting the dots and counting the times she has had issues and have written down what she ate prior.  Something is up.  Be it the seasonal allergies (which are horrific this year and I am ready to scratch my eyeballs out despite taking meds) or the fact that there may be a new food allergy present....  We head up to Boston Childrens in 2 weeks to figure it all out.  I am dreading the endoscopy.. dreading it.  But we will do what we have to in order to get my girl feeling her best! 


Alright.. Im off to go enjoy my time... xo

Dear Hannah, Refelctions of 6 and three quarter years gone by

Dear Hannah,

My Hannah Banana, Hannah Banana Meatball...

As your seventh birthday fast approaches, I have been doing alot of reflection on our past seven years together.  I cant believe that seven years have flown by so very quickly.  When I first found out I was pregnant for you I was so scared.  I didn't know what to expect.  I wasn't sure how to be a mother and care for this little being that would rely completely on me.  Of course I always wanted children, but when I first found out there was a baby inside my belly, I was terrified.  I knew from the moment I was pregnant that you would be a girl.  I just knew.  I couldn't help but think that my Memere had something to do with sending you to me.  She passed just before I became pregnant with you.  Almost as if she was sending me this lifeline that she knew I needed.  I was real sick at the beginning of my pregnancy with you.  Constantly vomiting.  I don't know how I made it through work some days but Papa was always there to take care of me and rub my back.  My asthma really kicked up and I was put on prednisone for the remainder of the pregnancy with you. When it came time for ultrasound day and Daddy and I found out you were most definitely a girl, we looked at each other in the car and new for certain that your name would be Hannah.  From that moment on, I referred to you as my Hannah growing inside my belly.  We called everyone we knew and told them the news.  It was at this point in my pregnancy that being terrified began to dissipate and I began to get really excited about how our lives were going to be graced with this little baby girl.  I use to imagine you riding in your car seat in my backseat while we sang songs together.  Dancing with me in your pj's and being able to hold you and rock you to sleep.  Little did I know then that there would be so many more moments of joy with you!

Your entrance into this life was early.  Five weeks to be exact and it was almost six weeks early.  You are always one to march to the beat of a different drummer.  You came quickly and very easily.  I prayed for you to cry and your cry was the first sound I heard when you came into this world.  Being able to take you home on time was nothing short of a miracle.  You were so little though, I was afraid you would break.  You came home at 4lbs 12 ounces.  You fit in the palm of my hand.  None of your clothes fit you, not even the preemie ones.  Yet, here you were this miracle from above, living, breathing and doing wonderful.  You were jaundice at first and I use to place you by the sliding glass door in the sunlight.  You loved it.  You still are my sunshine baby.  I was thrilled to have my baby girl in my arms.  Soon enough, we began to settle into this new life with you.  My Hannah Rose.  (Rose after Grandma Murphy)

No sooner did Daddy and I think we had it all figured out, you became very sick.  It was about 3 weeks after you were born when you turned very fussy.  The pink spots on your scalp began to appear.  The doctor told me they were nothing and not to worry about them.   Yet as the days went on, you grew more and more fussy and inconsolable.  The pink spots became red spots and they grew to double their size and began to raise off your head.  I knew you were sick Hannah.  I just knew it.  But the doctors kept telling me you were fine.  I have so much guilt associated with this time in your life because my whole being knew you were in pain but no one would listen.  I'm so sorry Hannah.  Mommy's so sorry for not protecting you more.  I wish I had fought harder and believed in my Mommy instinct.  I was a first time mother and everyone made me feel as though I were crazy.  I knew I wasn't.  I didn't know how to make the doctors listen to me.  They wouldn't listen.  Your Pediatrician told me that all babies cry and that I should get use to it.  All the while you were in so much pain.  Then came the day when these Hemangiomas began to bleed.  This was by far the scariest moment of your life.  There was so much blood I called the ambulance.  Nothing would stop it.  I was hysterical, you were hysterical.  Daddy made it home from work before the ambulance.  We were so scared.  Yet the doctors still didn't know how to react to you and this "condition" that they said you would grow out of.  They told us to just apply pressure and that these hemangiomas would go away.  Daddy and I were so mad.  We waited one time in the ER for 7 hours to get a surgeon to talk to us.  In the end, he came down and knew nothing.  We went home disgusted.  Time and time again, these Hemangiomas would ulcerate and bleed.  There would be so much blood that it would fill bath towels.  You would scream every time this happened.  You and I slept at half hour intervals.  Sitting up in a chair.  Sometimes I would get you asleep in your swing with a rolled up blanket wedged by your side to keep you from bumping the Hemangiomas.  It was hard to do anything but stare at you worried about when the next bleed would be.  Then I noticed you were having trouble turning your head.  I began to do alot of research on the Internet because the doctors wouldn't listen to me.  I searched and searched and one night I realized that I wasn't crazy.  There were other babies suffering like you with similar conditions.  I made the phone call the next day and switched pediatricians. 

This is when we finally got you help.  I was right Hannah.  You were so sick.  You needed a blood transfusion right away.  You were admitted to Hasbro within hours of meeting Dr. Sowa for the first time.  She and Dr. Pedvis saved your life.  You had these tumors all over your brain.  There was so much pressure built up in your little tiny head.  When I think about the pain you were in it makes me sick.  The doctors in Boston told us that you were a week or two the most away from losing your life.  If we hadn't found you help when we did Hannah, you wouldn't be here.  A thought I wont even let myself imagine.  They said you were in so much pain, especially when the tumors would ulcerate and bleed.  The sheer pressure of the brain fluid built up and unable to leave your brain was also painful.  Your brain stem had a huge tumor on it as well.  You also had a blood clot on your brain.  But you were a survivor.  My tiny little survivor.  You began to heal.  I sat by your bedside in Boston every day.  Everyone came to see you.  Nonnie, Papa, Grammy, Grampy, Auntie Ju Ju, Moppy, Uncle Ra Ra and MiMi, Auntie Lee Lee and Uncle Dan, Auntie Jill and Uncle Dave, Momma and Pa, Auntie Charleen and Stephen, Auntie Paula and Uncle Barry, Uncle Pete and Tammi and I am sure a few more that I cant remember now.  Daddy had a real tough time with your sickness.  He was so upset and stressed that he often would escape and take walks through Boston.  He never really knew how to handle your sickness and I think he was so scared that he would just give us space.  He loved you though.  So very much.  He was just so scared to lose you.  Everyone loved you so much that they drove up to Boston to visit with you and give you love.  Every day I sat by your bedside and watched you get better.  I learned how to administer your injections and give you all of your meds.  Soon enough, my little tiny peanut grew and grew.  The steroids made you very swollen and very chubby.  Yet, you were the most adorable chubby baby I have ever laid my eyes on.  The steroids also made you very, very cranky.  You didn't sleep much and for most of the first year of your life I would sit in a rocking chair and just rock you.  Daddy and I would take turns pushing you around the house in an umbrella stroller.  We use to do laps and count them and try and beat each other.  I hated giving you the shots and seeing you bruise right away.  But I knew it was what would make you better and better you did get.  My fighter.  By the grace of God there was no brain damage and our repeat MRI's told us you were on your way to a full recovery.  At a year old, I administered your last injection and gave you a last dose of prednisone.  By far the best Birthday present ever.

The rest is history baby girl.  You grew and grew and grew and stayed healthy with the exception of your constant ear infections.  You were full of spunk and you always kept everyone laughing.  You were a spitfire.  Defiant to the core.  You still marched to the beat of a different drummer and you always wanted to do things your way.  You loved to dance.  Still do.  Daddy and I took you everywhere and did everything with you.  You walked at almost 14 months and there was no trying behind it.  You just decided one day you were going to walk and you did it.  Walked right across the room with Ant Denise watching.  I'll never forget it. You were stubborn.  You were so strong.  You were determined.  When I use to try and discipline you, you would put yourself in the corner before I could because you weren't going to do it because I asked you to.  You were going to do it because you wanted to. You are still so much the same way.  You loved when I would read you books when you were little.  You still do.  Your favorite was, "Guess How Much I Love You".  I even got you pajamas one Valentine's Day that matched the book.  You loved them.  We never thought that loving each other to the moon was enough.  So we began our own saying of,"To the moon and the stars and back." 

You have so much of your Daddy in you.  I see it every day.  Your strength, your fierce attitude and your bold way of rebelling.  It's your way or the highway and you know what?  There is nothing wrong with that.  It will help you get through this life.  Yet, there is some of Mommy in you too.  Your love for dance.  You are so good at it.  I can't believe the difference in your strength and ability.  Your grace and poise in just a year's time.  Your my water baby too.  Just like your Mama.  You love the beach and pools and anywhere you can swim with your fins.  Unfortunately you got my sensitivity too.  Things bother you easily and your feelings are also hurt often.  Mommy is the same way honey.  Sometimes it can be a tough trait to have.  One day however, you will find the strength and courage to not let things get to you so much.  We are all different people and there is no harm trying to see the good in people.  Sure there will be disappointments along the way, but there will also be many, many good friends you will find by trusting and believing in people.  You will always have Mommy and Daddy by your side to help you through.

I cant believe how quickly these years have flown by.  Here it is almost summer and you are learning to ride your bike without the training wheels!  I remember watching you ride a bike for the first time and I swear it was just yesterday.  You have grown and matured so much.  You are doing so great in school and Mommy and Daddy are so proud of all of your accomplishments this year.  Learning how to read and your artistic abilities too.  You are a jack of all trades and anything you get involved in, you thrive at.  There are so many things that you excel at that I have a feeling you are going to have me driving all over this State!  You want to try everything and anything. 

You are such a huge help to me with your brother and sister.  Cameron loves playing with you and is constantly searching for you so he can flash you a smile.  You are Layla's idol.  She wants to be just like you.  I love seeing how much closer you have become now that she is a little bit older and can interact with you more.  You have always been so kind to her.  Always ready to give up a toy because she wants it and she wants it now.  You always look out for her, especially with her food allergies.  You take care of her so well that sometimes it literally blows my mind.  You are so kindhearted with her and the rest of the family too.  You love making presents and drawing pictures and watching our faces light up when we receive them.  Whenever I ask for your help, you are always right there willing to get whatever it is that I need.  You are really enjoying your new chore chart too which is also a big help to Mommy. 

Hannah I truly could go on forever about you and how very much I love you.  As your birthday approaches and you turn SEVEN, I hope you know how much you have changed my life and made me a better person.  About how you taught me the true meaning of this life and how to appreciate every single second because the clock ticks away time so quickly and things can change in an instant.  I love you my sunshine girl.  My Hannah Banana.  My meatball!  I love you so very much Han.  To the moon and the stars and back baby girl. 

So Amazing

Luther Vandross

Love has truly, been good to me

Not even one sad day or minute since you've come my way

I hope you know, I'd gladly go anywhere you take me

It's so amazing to be loved

I'd follow you to the moon and sky above

 Got to tell you, I'm happy as I can be, how you thrill me

I'm happy as can be

You have come and changed my whole world

Bye Bye sadness, hello mellow

What a wonderful day

It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above

And it's so amazing, amazing, I could stay forever, forever

Here in love and no, leave you never

Cause we've got amazing love

Truly it's amazing, amazing

Love brought us together and I will leave you never

I guess we've got amazing love

It's so amazing to be loved, I'd follow you to the moon and the sky above