Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have somehow found myself childless at work and it feels so very strange.  Hannah is off gallivanting with Grammy and may even take a dip in the pool with her cousins over at their club.  Billy's Quonset job finished up and there was no work today so he is home with the Layla bug and Cameroni.  I thought it would be a refreshing change to have the solace at work and actually be able to get my work done in a timely manner.  Truth be told, I hate it.  I feel so weird being here alone without them.  It's almost like I feel naked or like I forgot to put on an accessory.  I feel it foreshadowing what's to come in a few weeks when Layla enters preschool and I am getting really sad about it.  I want her here with me and Cam everyday.  She is my little buddy and I don't know how I'm going to handle not having her here with me giving me squeeze hugs every five minutes.  I know I will get use to it, but I don't want to.  I want her here, with me.  There is just something about her that exudes love and innocence and I don't want to spend a day without the Ravioli.  The child just gets me.  There is something so special about her.  It's like an unspoken bond between us.  God I wish I could just keep them little forever.  Safe and protected.  How lonely Cam and I are going to be in a few short weeks without our girls here to make us laugh on our work days.  Today leaving, she held on to me with a big squeeze hug and begged me to stay home with her.  How I so wanted to just sit there, with my arms wrapped around her while we watched Scooby Doo together on the couch and told jokes.  How I wanted to spend the day with her making me pretend meals in her toy kitchen and doing all the silly things she likes to do during the day.  I posted on facebook this weekend that after I win the lottery and first donated money to finding a cure for childhood cancer, I would then hire a house cleaner.  I was wrong.  I lied.  Instead, after I donate money to childhood cancer research, I want to just be a stay at home MOM!  I'll be a cleaning, stay at home MOM! 

Lately, I can't sleep either which isn't helping my sensitivity.  No sleep makes Mama a gushy mess.  I have been taking my sleeping pill yet for some reason, the past week it seems to have lost it's affect.  I know I can take up to two a night, but I really don't want to get in the habit of taking pills to sleep.  I don't want to go there.  I don't want to feel like a pill popper to get through life.  But where in the Sam heck is my sleep?  I am so tired.  Exhausted and yet it wont come.  I can't settle my mind and ease the stress long enough to drift off.  Last night I just laid there for hours begging my eyes to shut so I could just SLEEP.  I was so tired and yet nothing would settle me down.  No sooner did I fall asleep, I would wake up and not be able to settle myself back down.  Cameron was also up quite a bit with a belly ache from the antibiotics.  I feel so bad that they are really bugging his belly but we need that ear to get better!  Sunday night's sleep was dreadful.  At least Billy was up with me this time though.  We sat in bed talking and playing with aps on our iphones.  (Sheer stupidity, I know)  Yet, it felt good not to be alone in my sleepless world.  I finally drifted off somewhere between 1:00AM and 2:00AM only to have the alarm go off at 5:00AM to remind me to take my parents to the airport.  I spent most of yesterday walking around in zombieland, although I did thoroughly enjoy our trip to the Providence Children's Museum.  The kids had a blast and I was thrilled with the fact that all three, at all different ages, remained occupied and excited about the activities there.  It was truly a great place to take them on such a steamy, hot day.  However,I've got to get a grip on this sleep thing.  I can't function in Zombie mode much longer.  I've got to get my butt in action and start eating healthy and somehow fitting some exercise in.  I always have the best intentions and then I fall off the wagon.  I go full throttle for a week or two and then slack right back into my old routine.  Maybe if I get my act together and jump back on the horse, my sleep will come.  Maybe.

We took Mom to go see Hairspray at Theater by the Sea on Saturday.  A fun little getaway for us to spend some time with her.  Hands down, this was the best production I had ever seen at TBTS.  Phenomenal!  It was the most hilarious live theater I have ever seen.  It kept us all thoroughly entertained and Mom spent the evening tapping her feet through the entire thing.  What an amazing cast and crew filled with so much talent.  Tom Gleadow played Edna Turnblad and he was PHENOMENAL!  If you ever have a chance to see him in this production, it's a MUST SEE!  We are so completely thankful for an evening full of laughs!  After the play we headed back to the beach house.  Billy had the kids and I was about to head out to meet him back home but then I realized that it was the first time I was in my niece, Reanna's company without my kids.  I decided to stay a bit and share some time with her.  My little spunky 2 year old Goddaughter.  She is a riot beyond belief and kept us keeled over in laughter with her actions.  Obsessed with my jewelry, she kept putting my bracelets on her ears (hanging over her ears).  She thought it was great that she had earrings and kept asking us if "they" were in the holes.  God I could spend a trillion hours with her and I would be laughing the entire time!  LOVE HER!  

I can't believe this summer is already dwindling to an end.  I wish I could rewind back to June.  I wish I could just soak up these beans for just a bit more.  I wish the darn time would stop ticking away so quickly.  I wish I could just make it all stand still.