"Still not here"

It's been a while.  Time has passed yet, the hurt is still there.  Maybe the corners have softened, but there are still edges.  For me, there is still the disbelief.  Shock.  Pain.  The past 8 months have not been easy.  Not one bit.  The tears don't come as often, but they still come.  They come when I least expect it.  They come at all hours of the day and night unexpectedly.  Especially the nights.  8 months.  EIGHT.  What?  How? Why?  Why did she have to suffer?  Why did we have to watch her suffer?  She was too good.  Just too damn good to suffer.  Wait.. is she really gone?  Has it REALLY been 8 months?

I still struggle with the decisions that were made.  I feel like you left this world so that I could live.. without getting into detail, you know what I mean.  I feel like you made the ultimate sacrifice for me so that I could have the strength and courage to get through this next year.  Or were you just too tired to fight anymore?  Somewhere in there, did you know?  Did you see the pain in our eyes?  Did you just give up?  Dammit this should have never happened to you.  Not you.   I live with the utmost guilt on a daily basis.  I should have had more patience.  I should have told you I loved you more.  I should have this and I should have that... and now.. my time with you is gone.  There were so many good years when you were here and I took them for granted.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that.  I just wish I could have looked into your eyes before you got this stupid disease.. really looked in them and thanked you for the selfless mother's love you gave me and let you know how very much appreciation I had for all that you did for me.  For our family.  Looked in your eyes and told you so that you knew.  God I hope you know.  Mom, we were never supposed to be a family of 4.  It was always supposed to be the 5 of us.  Forever. 

They had a party for me Mom.  Yes, the big 4 - 0.  (yikes)  I don't know how they pulled it off but they did.  I was totally surprised.  Yet, as soon as the blindfold came off and I saw Dad's face, all I could do was cry.  Cry because here we are again, another milestone, another celebration, another moment without you.  None of it feels right.  I had a blast.  Yes, I absolutely did.  Yet at times like these when I am in all my glory, there is always a part of me that says, "If mom were here..."  If you were there that night Mom, you would have been on the dance floor with me the whole night.  Smiling and laughing.. and then the next day the two of us would be complaining together about how everything hurt! Ha!  How I wish I could have lived that memory. 

Julie and I went to see "Still Alice" this weekend.  Julianne Moore earned every bit of that Oscar.  Neither one of us were really thinking.  Certainly in hindsight, we should have waited for it to come out on DVD and watch it in our own homes.  The role remarkably made us re live almost all aspects of what Mom went through.  I found myself crying through the entire movie.  There was a scene where Alec Baldwin was helping her get dressed... this was where I lost it the most I think.  I use to do that.  I HATED doing it just because of how I hated how much dignity Mom had to lose.  I hated it for her, not so much me.. but that scene.. brought me back to the many days and nights I would do the same for Mom and it made me miss every single second of doing these things for her.. even though I hated it.. I would take it all back and do it in a heart beat just to have her back.  Just to hug her, hold her and tell her everything was alright.  But everything is not alright.  It's not and I would have been lying to her.  By the end of the movie, Julie and I were holding onto each other sobbing uncontrollably.  The people in the theater were confused by the ending.  We knew the ending.  Julie wanted to shout at them.. do you want to know how it ends?  I'll tell you how it ends!  You all are here seeing this movie as a past time.  We are seeing it, because we LIVED it!  Trust us, the ending is too horrible to bare. 

I love you Mom.  With my whole heart.  I will spend the rest of my life missing you and somehow trying to understand why you had to go through this.  Why you?  Please keep sending me signs.  They are all that get me through the days sometimes.  When I feel like I am suffocating and my whole world is closing in.. keep sending me signs.  I got yours yesterday.  You always did know how to make me laugh.  I love you Mom.  I hope you are safe and somewhere pretty. 

“Okay, what do you feel?”
“I feel love. It’s about love."

Still Alice

 

Acceptance?

9 weeks and 2 days.  Yes I am still counting.  I still haven't accepted the fact that I have lost you Mom.  I want to.  Trust me I do.  I think that if I can finally accept it, I can begin the healing process.. no?  Maybe?  Maybe not.  Is this shock?  Could I possibly be in shock still, 9 weeks later?  Is that even a thing?  I'm going to have to google that.  I just miss you so much.  I miss you well, I miss you even sick.  Your physical presence.  Your smile.  Dammit everything.  I need you here.  It hurts to not have you here.  This has been he most horrible year of my life and I just need you.  YOU.  Mom everything has gone wrong and I just don't know how much longer I can hold on without you.  I feel like everything is falling apart.

I waited weeks to feel your presence and even though these days suck without you.. I have felt you Mom.  Last week.. when I finally made things right.. you knew I needed that.  You were behind that.  God I am so grateful and thankful.  Then yesterday, when I found myself in the same predicament as I was in 15 years ago with you... and you never let me live it down.  You laughed about that for years.  There I was again.. same situation, same doctors office, same shot in the ass.  All I could do was laugh because I knew you were laughing your head off at me!  I waited so long to feel you.  Thank God I have finally found some of you around me.  Yet, the tears still come.  Almost daily.  I can't talk about you without getting choked up.  Especially to Dad.  He took me to the cemetery last week.  He knew I was struggling.  I thought if I went.. I could accept.  It didn't work.  I think it actually made me worse.  I wouldn't tell him that of course.  It's his place.. his comfort.  He cares for you there.  Me, I had to hold back with every inch of my being not to dig you up and hold you.  It didn't feel right.. me there sitting by your grave.  I should be taking care of you.

Then there are the day to day struggles.  The just living life and trying to put one foot in front of the other.  My "give a damn" is busted Mom.  I simply just cant do everything that I use to.  Quite frankly, I don't know how I still fit in a day what I do.  Maybe it is your last lesson in strength that keeps me going?  Is it you Mom?  I feel like I am letting people down.  I feel guilty for a few.. and then I just don't care.  When I have to cancel plans or respond no to an invite.. it bothers me.. but I just can't do it all and I really don't FEEL like it.  I am grateful for the people that have stuck with me.  My friends.. certain family members.. who don't hate me for it and still stand by my side.  The countless texts from people that I hardly get to respond to because I am just too damn busy or just don't feel like it... and yet those people still text me.. and love me. 

I keep finding pictures.  I look at them... suck in my breath and say, "Can this be?"  It's like I have to sit here and force myself to remember those last days to believe that you are gone and yet when I think of them.. I can't possibly believe I actually lived them.  "Wait. I did that?"  I did.  It's fuzzy and so clear all at the same time.  Oh Mom.. I just hope you are somewhere pretty and safe.  I hope that your pain is gone and that you are happy. ...

My head is spinning

 

I came across this picture today and it made me catch my breath.  This picture was taken almost seven years ago.  It was the day after Layla was born.  We were so happy!  Thrilled to have a healthy baby girl after everything poor Hannah went through as an infant!  Look at you!  So beautiful!  Four generations right there.   It was only seven years.  I truly believe this is what you would look like today if you didn't get sick.  I look at this picture and think, "How can you be gone?"  You had so much living to do.  You should be here, Mom.  I need you here.  I hate everything about this stupid disease.  What it did to you.. To us.  Did you know?  Did you know this is what you had?  I wanted to tell you so badly!  Selfishly, I wanted you to know so that we could talk.  I wanted to say things to you while you understood.  I wanted to hear things in return.  Your ring broke today.  Thankfully I was able to find the stone.  I'm hoping it can be fixed easily.  I feel naked without it.  I've worn it every day since you left.  I'm lost mom.  Truly lost without you.  I really would do anything just to have a conversation with you.  I know I'm almost 40 but I still need your guidance.  There are so many things I want to ask you.  Nothing feels right without you.   I love this picture of you because this was the mom I knew.  Always so pretty.. stunning...those pants.. how you loved those pants.. they said so much about you.   I miss you mom...  I don't want to do this without you.  I feel like nobody understands.  It's like everyone expects me to be my old cheerful self.  No one knows how to handle me.  Friends call and ask why I sound down and I get so angry.  Why do you think I sound down?  It's only been 6 weeks.. and every moment is still consumed with missing you.  I feel like I want to scream at them.. MY MOTHER DIED!  Don't they get it?  Don't they understand?  Life didn't go back to normal for me.  I am still trying to maneuver these new streets without you.  Nothing feels right or normal and I am not sure if it ever will.  I miss you so much Mom.  Please send me a sign... I love you.. always and forever.

62 was just too young

 

Mom-  it's been 6 weeks since you took your last breath.  I can't believe 6 weeks have gone by without me seeing your face.  How is this suppose to get better?  Where are you?  Can you see me?  Are you ok?  I look back upon those 6 days and wonder how on earth it all happened.  Did it really happen?  How did I function because functioning now without you is so hard.  I keep looking for signs and can't seem to find any.  I have nightmares not dreams.  I'm not at peace with this.  I look through my phone pictures and see you and I can't help but be angry that you are not here.  You were my buddy... Sick and all.  We'd have a tough day and then you'd give me that look and we'd end up dancing in the kitchen.. Happy.  I'm so grateful for those times but I wanted more.  We should have had more.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I feel like everything I do is with thoughts of you.  I took the kids to the library today and found myself searching for a book.  I pulled one out and saw the title and picture and took it because it reminded me of you.  I'm sitting here looking at it wondering if I'll be able to open it and read.  The only thing I've read these days are books about grief and grieving.  No matter how you spin it.. It sucks.  Period.  I can't fall asleep at night because I keep thinking of those 6 days and I feel like I'm getting repeatedly sucker punched.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  It's like I'm forcing myself to be okay on the outside while my insides are falling apart.  Then there are those fleeting times where I feel happy.  With the kids... About the upcoming school year... Then those moments pass and I feel it all over again.  I went back to photography this week.  Quite frankly because I need the money.  I have no energy or desire but I'm trying.  I'm trying to do the things I did before you died yet nothing feels right.  Work at the office sucks.  You should be there.  You were always there.  Nothing is right without you!  I'd do anything to have you back even just for five minutes.  I just need to talk to you.  Feel your hug and see your face.  I'm still in disbelief that this happened.  That you're really gone.  I remember everything about you.. Your mouth, your beauty mark, your birthmark on your thigh, your hands, your nails....how can I never see these things again?  God I hope you are happy and safe and somewhere pretty.  Please just send me a sign.  I love you Mom.  Always and forever.

3 weeks and 3 days

It's been 3 weeks and 3 days since my mother took her last breath.  3 weeks and 3 days.  It seems like yesterday, it seems like never.. none of it is making sense in my head.  I am struggling.  I miss my mom.  Is she really gone?  She can't be gone!  Yet this hole and aching in my heart tells me she is gone.  Where is gone?  I don't understand.  It wasn't suppose to happen like this.  I knew we did not have all that much time, but it wasn't suppose to happen like this.  Not yet!  She was never suppose to be sick in the first place.  How did this happen?  Why did this happen?  I spent 6 days trying to soak in as much of her in as I could.  I held her hand, her heart.  I brushed her hair and washed her face and kissed her a million times over.  I'd snuggle in the bed with her and just soak her in.  I knew this was the end and I wanted to soak all of her up to get me through.  It's been 3 weeks and 3 days and I miss everything about her.  Her touch.  Her scent.  Her eyes.  Six days of soaking her up didn't even get me through one week... how am I suppose to get through more?

My mind keeps playing tricks one me.  One second I believe it.. the next it's not real.  Then when I think about the reality of it, I feel the loss all over again.  And over again.  And over again.  Like I keep getting sucker punched. She's gone.  She's not coming back.  I find myself making deals with God to bring her back.  Bring her back sick.  I don't care.  I'll take care of her.  I'll move her in and care for her.  Just to see her face and feel her touch and let her know how very much I love her.  Everywhere I go in my house I am reminded of her being there.  Being there in that house when we were younger.. happier times... and being there sick with me on the days we spent together.  Caring for her.  I keep getting these flashbacks of everything.  Childhood memories... the latter years memories of caring for her sick and then those last 6 days.  I can't get them out of my head.  I watched her die.  I never truly thought about her actual death.  I guess I always assumed she would just close her eyes and pass.  That is not what happened. 

And yet time does not stop.  It should.  The world keeps going and people keep on living their lives.  Back to work, back to household chores and duties.. back to life... except my life feels nothing like before and I just want to scream!  I go through the motions.  Care for the kids, work, activities.. I feel like I am in this fishbowl and everyone is just watching me and expecting me to be fine.  Fine because they don't know how to handle me if I am not.  So I try my best to act fine.  I am not fine.  I am crumbling and broken.  I want to cry at the drop of a dime.  I want this to be a nightmare.  This can't be real.  She's my mom.  I need her.  I feel like I have mono.  Everything hurts.  Physically hurts.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore.  I do it... but it's a chore.  Showering, makeup.. some days I do it, some days I don't.  I'm operating in zombie mode.  I can't sleep at night because all I do is think of her.  Those 6 days.  If she knew how much I loved her.  How much I appreciated her.  Why couldn't I have told her when she was well enough to understand?

During the sleepless nights I find myself googling "heaven".  My faith is supposed to comfort me.  It doesn't.  Im trying.. really... but I am not comforted.  Heaven is suppose to be beautiful and peaceful.  Yet, it is just our spirits.  How do I hug my mom when it's my turn to be a spirit?  How do spirits hug?  I just want to hug her.  I don't get it.  Im pretty sure I left my mom at the cemetery.  6 days of touching her warm hands... never leaving her side.. taking shifts with little or no sleep... to then leave her.. not warm... in a cemetery.  How can this be?  It doesn't make sense.  I'm trying so hard to believe that she is ok and at peace and happy in this space unknown.  But the truth is... I am so scared of the unknown.  I hate the unknown.  If she could just tell me she's ok.. and it's beautiful... I feel like I could have some acceptance of this.  I just simply can't accept that this happened.  This really happened.

I sleep with her robe over my pillow every night.  It's so soft.  I feel like a child who can't sleep without it.  I'm afraid to wash it.  It still smells like her.  Like those last 6 days.  It makes me sad and brings me comfort all at the same time.  I use her lotion and wear her ring and think about her every second of every day.  I am frantically looking for an "I'm ok" sign from heaven.  A penny.. a butterfly.. something.  Anything.  I obsessively listen to 70's lite rock because I can hear her singing every song like she did when we were kids.  I can hear her voice literally singing.  Is she the one playing these certain songs for me?  Is it coincidence?  Is it her?  Is it me just trying to make some connection and really there is none?

3 weeks and 3 days... where do we go from here?  God, Mom... I just miss you so much!

Missing Mom

Is it even possible since my mother is still technically alive?  But I do.  I  miss her so much and have come to the conclusion that I lost my Mom 2 years ago.  The new woman, is just a shell of what was once there.  A delicate, fragile, sad shell of what once was a vibrant, talented, energetic, sophisticated, funny, beautiful, caring woman.  I miss my mom.  Three months ago I somehow made the transition of learning to love this new woman called "Mom".  The past 6+ years have been filled with auto pilot and taking care of her in a way I never thought I would have to at this age.  I managed to push those feelings down and just go.  Many times in those past 6+ years I would get frustrated with mom for not knowing how to do certain things or for yelling at the kids even though I knew it was the disease and not my mother doing those things.  Try telling that to your brain when she's screaming at your kids for doing nothing wrong.  I am no longer frustrated.  That frustration has vanished and been replaced with pure and utter sadness.  I miss my mom. 

This whole process of grieving someone who is still technically alive is so consuming and painstakingly overwhelming.  My mind keeps wandering back to the days when I could see her smile and hear her laughter and listen to her laughing her pants off about some prank she played on a friend or some mischief she and her friends would get into.  Now, only a handful of friends visit her.  I miss hearing her curse like Mikey because it was so unbelievably funny coming out of her pure and innocent mouth.  I miss hearing her voice and I miss hearing her advice.  I miss her smiles.  I miss how stressed she would get before the gazillion dinners and parties she would put on and I miss seeing that look of accomplishment when each and every event was a success. I miss her hugs and I miss her always telling me that it was all going to be alright.  Now that's the sentence I say to her on a daily basis.  "I'll take care of you Mom, you're safe.  Don't you worry, I am here."  I didn't want this job at this age and I'll never understand why God gave it to me.  I'll never to the day I die understand how this dreadful disease can be placed on a family and how you are supposed to find the silver lining.  This disease is a slow torture on both the victim and the people who are helpless in all aspects.  It takes everything but most of all it takes your heart. 

Consuming;  The best way I can describe the constant thought process that runs through my mind almost 24 hours a day.  Excerpt

  She's so skinny.  She's so skinny.  She'd go nuts if she actually knew how thin she was if she was in her right mind.  Is she going to keep losing weight?  Is this how it is going to end?  Will we have to watch God take her piece by piece just like we have these past years?  Organ by organ?  Abnormal echo cardiogram?  Is that it?  Is that how we will "lose" Mom?  Silently?  How much more time is left?  When will she stop walking?   God does she know how much I love her?  Does she know that here I sit, in her same shoes, raising three children and trying to hold down a full time job while developing my passion for photography.. does she know how I appreciate her?  I never told her then.  I never did, did I?  And here I sit realizing that she did so much for us and we expected so much and she just did did did.  Why didn't I tell her?  I wish I could tell her!  Always sacrificed herself and her happiness to make Dad and us kids happy.   She did it all and she did it effortlessly.  Always perfect.  Straight A club president  The kids... dammit the kids will never know how full of life she was.  They will only know this sad shell of a woman.  The sick Nonnie who has no rememberies.  But she's going to get better Mom, right?  Sure darling, she'll be okay.  NO NO NO she wont.  She's dying dammit she is dying and there is not a goddamn thing we can do about it but sit back and watch while she takes pieces of us with her.  Dad.  What are we going to do with Dad?  A broken man.  I've never seen our rock so broken.  He's crumbling.  He's angry.  He now walks with his head hung and his shoulders rounded.  Weight of the world.  He can't fix this.  It kills him that he can't fix this.  His eyes aren't happy anymore.  That was what I always loved about him most.  His happy eyes.  They are gone.  His tears.  They sting our hearts.  How are we going to get him through this?  I have to be strong.  I have to be the one to hold it together.  I can.  No I cant.  Am I going to sleep tonight?  Probably not.  Here comes Layla.. she's going to see my tears.. hurry up get it together. 

 

 

 

The days are getting harder and harder.  I am trying my best to spend as much time with her as possible.  It is hard now that the visiting has to be done at her house.  The kids have a tough time.  It's only going to get harder and the thought of it sends me into panic attacks.  I don't know how much time is left, but my heart and gut keeps telling me there isn't much.  So our time is filled with cuddles and reassurance that I won't leave her and that I love her.  A  million times over. 

 

 

My biggest regret?  Not telling her how much I love her and how I appreciate everything she did in my life to make me the person I am today.  She was a one woman show with my dad working so many hours when we were kids.  I have so much adoration and appreciation for the way she plugged through and raised us.  I wish I could have said this to her when she understood.  When she could hear my voice.  When I didn't have to say it with tears and regret.  Her beauty will always shine bright in my heart and when all is said and done.. I will dig deep and find comfort in knowing that she is present in me.. because she made me the mother I am today...

 

I love you Mom.  I miss you Mom...  Happy Mother's Day Mom... and ... thank you...



Happy Thanksgiving

I am finally switching gears from work and photography to TURKEY DAY!   I am also very happy to admit that I am keeping the mind frame of not letting anything stress me out!  I have been placing sticky notes in my car each morning with the list of things that need to get done, whom to pick up, drop off and where.. and I swear it is helping me stay focused and complete the tasks.  So on this Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving.. I DO NOT have to go to the market!  Yipeee!!!  While it scares the ever living crap out of me that I have to live like this to remember tasks, I am ignoring the voices in my head that say it has to do with a certain disease and quite frankly it just has to be the fact that I am running in a gazillion different directions.  That's it.  It HAS to be!

So last night I decided to put myself in time out.  I've worked 21 days straight and my brain just needed to shut off for an evening.  I left the laundry, I left the dishes, I left the dust bunnies under the bed and I left the pool of water that had spilled over from Layla's bath onto the floor.  I sat.  Still.  For longer than 5 minutes.  Layla and I cuddled up on the couch and began to watch November Christmas.  When Hannah returned home from hockey, she joined us.  I will say, that this movie is by far the best Hallmark Channel Christmas movie ever.  Twice I looked over at Hannah because although she is so much like her daddy, she does have some mommy in her too.  As I looked over with my own tears streaming down my face, I met her face with her own tears pouring down.  We shared a brief mother daughter moment before Layla chimed in, "Are you two kidding me?  This is ridiculous... "  as she ran off laughing to fetch us a roll of toilet paper.

Aside from this wonderful evening with my girls, I also had another moment with my baby boy yesterday.  Due to a recent schedule conflict with one of her caretakers, I am able to step in and spend some time with Mom on Tuesdays.  I felt really bad that I had to drag her around town to complete all the tasks on my sticky note.  It was a lot of getting in the car and getting out of the car.  At our first stop, I got out, unbuckled Cameron and then walked around to unhook Mom's seat belt and help her out of the car.  What I didnt realize was that my little 3 year old munchkin was watching my every move and taking it all in.  At our second stop, he demanded I take him out of the car seat before I could even kill the ignition and put the car in park.  As soon as I unbuckled him he jumped out of the car, ran around to the other side of the car, opened my mother's car door, jumped on her lap, unbuckled her seat belt and helped her out of the car.  I stood there in awe watching him.  He continued to do this the rest of the day and he would say, "See Mommy, I'm a gentleman!"  Dumbfounded by how much he has understood my Mother's illness, I hugged him and told him he was my special, special little man. 

 

 

So it was a day of moments.  Warm your heart, fuzzy warm nice moments.  For that I am grateful! 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving with their families and friends.  I truly hope that you all can find some time to sit back and take in some warm, fuzzy moments for yourselves!
xo

Falling into winter

Well it seems as though the colder weather has finally arrived and we are now hitting the peak foliage with the crisp temperatures.  When I looked back at the blog I was dumbfounded to see that my last entry was in May.  As Joey Lawrence use to say, "Whoa".  I guess it is just a side affect of how busy we have all been since then!  The summer went by in a whirl!  I couldn't possibly update on all the memories we've had since May so I'll be brief.  We had a wonderful summer.  Mommy function pretty much in zombie status being that I worked nights to be home with them during the day.  I have a new found respect for people who work night shifts.  While it was wonderful being home with them this summer, I am thrilled to be back to actually sleeping at night!

Our summer was filled with pool days, beach days, friends, family and birthday parties.  We went to the library, the movies and out to lunch!  Mommy actually made it to 2 concerts this summer as well and had a blast at Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift. 

We jumped right into this school year.  I did better than I expected.  Hannah entered 4th grade, Layla started Kindergarten (1/2 day) and Cameron started Preschool.  Wow.  All three, in school.  How did that happen?  They are all doing really well and seemed to have adjusted just fine.  Coincidentally, Cameron has not been kicked out of Preschool yet and quite the contrary has been noted to be the best behaved and a favorite amongst his teachers.  I tell you that I question them about this on a daily basis.  Our we talking about MY Cameron?  Are you sure?  LOL  I love that little booger to death but to say he is a hand full is an understatement!  He reminds me so much of Hannah when she was his age.  Layla was so easy that I had forgotten all about that little strong willed attitude battle.  HAND FULL!  Luckily his cute little face gets me through it and I was so happy that the little man fell asleep cuddled under a blanket with me on the couch watching the Sox whip butt in World Series Game #1. 

So all in all the kids are doing great!  Health wise we were able to get to the bottom of Layla's issues and determined that she has reflux and is lactose intolerant.  She's been on some meds and they seem to be helping.  Hannah has been a picture of health (my miracle) and aside from a recent ear infection, Cam man has been healthy as well!  So for now, I am just going to enjoy the lull in the health issues and pray we can keep it like this!

Hannah has been skating A LOT.  I can't believe how far she has come in two short months with this team.  I am so grateful that she has this opportunity to learn from such unbelievably talented people.  Vicki and Coach Chris have really invested in her and I can see the difference.  She already has 3 goals under her belt this season and her skating has improved by leaps and bounds.  I can't even explain the proud feeling I get watching her play.. especially when she scores.  It's one of those "parent moments" that truly seem surreal.  That's my kid! 

Layla is still dancing and has added hip hop to the mix this year.  That is a hoot and something she really likes.  Hannah is still somehow dancing as well and is actually keeping up with girls that are 2 years older than she is.  Cam has started learn to skate... One word... ADORABLE!  He holds on to the cone for dear life but he is such a ham.  As long as the snack bar is closed.. we can keep him out there the whole hour.. LOL

As for myself, I have been burning the candle at both ends a bit.  Work, kids, schedules and HOLY Photography!  I am thrilled to be as busy as I am, but the craziness of the days and my schedule is starting to catch up to me!  I actually had to put myself to bed one night this week by 8PM  (Unheard of for me)  I was feeling flu like symptoms, aches, pains, chills and quite honestly, I think it was just my body telling me to calm down.  Lately I feel like it might be beneficial to change the name of the blog to Managing the Chaos because that is truly what I do on a day to day basis.  Yet, I am happy to be where I am and most certainly recognize the blessings I have.  And on those really tough days.. I just crank up Michael Buble and sing my heart out to get through it.  (Have you heard his newest album?  I am a bit obsessed.)  He's always been my go to stress reliever music. 

So that is pretty much it in a nutshell.  We are going to start buckling down getting ready for the holidays and I for one, intend to take it all in and enjoy every moment! 

Love to all!
xo

Posting some pics I took of Hannah and her softball friends.  While she doesnt play softball (hockey) I loved the concept and thought it photographed well!

Mind Over Matter

I took the weekend to calm my brain and get reacquainted with a schedule.  A schedule that includes the words, "no".  I have to say, I do feel a lot better.  I have been reminding myself daily that I am not perfect.  That I don't have to "do it all" and that I CAN let things go.  What is it in me that makes me crazy if a bed isn't made or the laundry isn't done?  It helped to have a somewhat calm week to muttle around in.  I just keep reminding myself that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.. blue skies in, gray skies out.  I have been spending time with the kids this week.  Not sort of spending time.. like the half ass time that I usually try and spend with them while I fold laundry, work or make dinner.  Time like, getting in the sand box with them and letting them help make dinner.  Stepping away from my desk at work to turn a cardboard box into a house.. complete with doors and windows.  It has helped. 

Most days I feel like being a mommy is the best medicine a girl could have.  Yes, my kids run me ragged and can raise my stress level to an unchartable amount but these children can also give me an enormous amount of love and affection.  To see their little minds work and hear how they talk, how they learn, how they love.. is quite possibly for me, the biggest reward, heart filler, I will ever get.  I sat down at Layla's preschool this week to have a Mother's Day breakfast with her.  She couldn't do enough for me and got the biggest kick out of waiting on me.  I think we gave each other a million hugs and kisses that morning and I left that school with my heart full. 

I've also been trying to have a little more patience with Cameron.  Oh.. he is tough..  lol.. but I have been taking a step back and watching his little mind work and appreciating it.  Appreciating the fact that he is a wild man because one day that little wild man is going to do great things with all his bountiful of energy!

Hannah has had a great week and has only bared her grizzly attitude a few times.  She has been a lot of help this week and takes such good care of Layla and Cam.  She'll step right in and help out with them whenever they need tending too.  She also shocked me by giving me a kiss this morning before she left the car to walk into the play yard.  I have been asking her for two weeks and today, she did it without me asking.  All the other times she would roll her eyes and say "no" while she quickly exited the car... but today.. KISS!  I hope someday when she reads this she'll realize just how much that one kiss meant to her mommy!

I have been having a lot of flashbacks of the girls in their younger years.  I dont know if it is the fact that the birthdays are just around the corner.. but Hannah especially.. I have these pictures of them that I had taken stuck in my head.  One when Hannah was 2 or 3 and we went to Gallilee.  She was prancing on the beach in her gray Block Island sweatshirt... with a pink bow practically taped to her scalp with no hair.  Layla, when she fell asleep sitting in the high chair with Pastena all over her face.  And then I get scared when I really try to remember what they were like at certain ages and it gets harder and harder for me to recall.  I'm trying to remember when it was just Hannah.. what were bath times like?  I do remember that was the time I would take with her to teach her new things.  Like her letters, her name, songs, etc.. You Are My Sunshine.. lol   But what were our conversations?  Did she tell me she loved me all the time?   It's even harder to remember the times when it was just me and the girls.  I remember the beginnings of it.. but that's really all.  sigh... is it the exhaustion?   I feel like I could nod off at any point throughout the day.  I really don't get a good night's sleep.. maybe that's why I function in Zombie mode most days?  I can't imagine how comatose I would be if it weren't for caffeine.. my SwingJuice.  etc..

My Layla baby (yes she is 5 and I will always call her my baby-lol)  has also been having some more GI issues.  I didnt think it was much before and kind of just let it go, however, the issues have been more and more frequent and I am starting to think that her Eosinophilic Esophagitis is having a flare up.  She had been doing so well that I almost forgot she was diagnosed with it a few years back.  She started gaining weight, came off the million dollar formula and started growing.  Billy and I started connecting the dots and counting the times she has had issues and have written down what she ate prior.  Something is up.  Be it the seasonal allergies (which are horrific this year and I am ready to scratch my eyeballs out despite taking meds) or the fact that there may be a new food allergy present....  We head up to Boston Childrens in 2 weeks to figure it all out.  I am dreading the endoscopy.. dreading it.  But we will do what we have to in order to get my girl feeling her best! 


Alright.. Im off to go enjoy my time... xo

Living Life

It seems that at one time I was turning to this blog to write about all the wonderful moments experienced with my kiddos.  I wanted a way to preserve them and be able to reread them one day and smile upon them.  The last year or so, I have been turning to writing these posts because I am longing for the times when I had a clear head and COULD write about the fun, exciting moments with the kids.  Now, instead, I am finding it more of a therapy or the smack in the face that I need to get back on track.

I guess I never realized how crazy life can get, or better said, how crazy I have allowed it to get.  It seems as though I am having a really tough time balancing the things in my life and sometimes, coming here, and spewing out my thoughts, helps me through it so I can get a grip back on the way I want to live this life.  When I sit here and think about how life was 3 or 4 years ago, there isn't much I wouldn't do to go back to that time.  Lately, it seems like I am on a roller coaster and I want to get off the ride.  Like now.

I've been working alot.  A LOT.  From being at the office (and dragging Cam in every day) to my photography really starting to take off.  Don't get me wrong.  I am THRILLED to have this step happen.  I really do want to make photography my career one day in the near future.  I am just stating, photography, office, taking care of three kiddos and a sick mom, is really giving me a full plate.  I am also trying my best to keep the kids active in things that are good for them.  While hockey has ended, we are in dance recital  mode for the girls and Hannah is also involved in two after school programs.  Photography falls in after being at the office all day or during the weekends.  My head is spinning and I feel as though I am dragging kids everywhere, or dropping them off so I can work, work, work.  Adding to this is my mother's steady decline.  (Sigh) 

Things have gotten considerably worse with Mom, which has been a huge weight on all of us.  We are trying to help Dad as best we can but things are just beginning to completely overwhelming us.  We are taking a new direction with her care and I am praying (fingers crossed) that this is going to be a step in the right direction because right now we are all drowning in this dreadful disease.  The hardest part is that you try and prepare yourself for losing someone you love, but I never realized that this disease was going to take down my whole family and how much it would affect us.  From my father, to my siblings to my children.  While most days, I am able to put the emotional aspect of dealing with the disease to the back of my brain, lately, as Mom begins to worsen dramatically, it is getting more difficult.

My kids are getting older.  They are aware more.  They have been exposed to more with watching their grandmother with this disease.  They may not be able to wrap their minds around what is going on, but they know something is wrong.  Except Hannah.  My Hannah knows what's up.  She knows.  She's so smart.  Layla and Cam just see Nonnie as being sad all the time.  What hurts the most, is that my kids will never remember the wonderful, caring, talented, loving, intelligent woman my mother was.  Their grandmother.  Instead they are reminded daily of all the things that Nonnie cant do.   They get nervous around her, which kills me.  We took out some summer pajamas last week for Cam.  They were Camden's hand me downs (which we love) and there were a pair of Batman Pj's in the box.  Cam is starting to get into all of this super hero stuff so he was excited to wear them.  Hannah got a big kick out of them because of his chunky little legs in the shorts.  It flooded me back to when Hannah was probably the same age as Cam is now and Nonnie watched her for me because I had somewhere to go.  That thought right there alone.. that my mom was once able to watch my child..   Anyway, she had put Han in the tub and wet a facecloth and put it on her back like a cape.  Then she proceeded to teach her the Batman Song... na na na na na na BATMAN!  For two months straight, Hannah made me put the facecloth cape on her in the tub and we would have to sing the Batman song.  Retelling this story put a smile on Han's face and it made me happy and sad all at the same time.  It was like I could hear Hannah's thoughts... Nonnie was fun loving and carefree at one time.. teaching me Batman songs.. and here we are now.  I just want so badly for them to remember the way she was but unfortunately the only thing we can do now is tell the memories of those days and try and keep the woman my mother once was, alive. 

So it seems as though I'm back to that thing in life that is the most valuable thing that cant be bought.  Time.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do it all.  My balancing isn't working.  I haven't yet learned the word, "No".  You think I would have by this point.  It seems as though I am in a constant battle of rushing, rushing, rushing, running frantically around to and fro.  Rushing the kids in the car and out of the car.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to get off this ride.  I want to stop, breath, exhale and relax.  I want to enjoy every single second that I have with these kids, with my Mom.. with my family.  This time is just going by so quickly that I really need to get a grip, stop and enjoy it.  So I am guessing a lot of soul searching has to be done for me right now in order to figure this all out.  I am going to need to learn to prioritize, say no and breathe.

 

sickies and NRI Vikings

The sickie family somehow managed to head out to Falmouth last weekend for Hannah's hockey tourney.  I originally was going to stay home and meet Billy and Hannah out there with the little ones on Saturday, but I somehow managed to get my act together and tough it out to go on Friday even though I was feeling terrible.  The second we stepped into the hotel, I was glad I had decided to go.  If there is one thing I truly love about hockey, it is the family you create while being in the rinks.  I love Hannah's team and their families.  Everyone is so nice and you spend five minutes with them and feel as though you have known them for a lifetime.  They are so supportive and just plain old fun to be around.  We settled in and the kids had a blast playing knee hockey in the hallway.  The only down side to these excursions is that it is tough on Cam.  He has not been doing well at bed time all of a sudden.  He went from my perfect sleeper to a complete disaster.  Not wanting to go down, waking up in the middle of the night.  It was exhausting trying to get him to sleep in the hotel.  On the plus side though, the team won their very first game all season.  When I tell you it was awesome... awesome is an understatement.  These poor kids have tried so hard all season and have just somehow become the underdogs.  They have more heart and they are all really good kids.  To see them win this game was so gratifying.  All the parents were crying with our broken blood vesselled hands (from pounding on the glass).  So proud and so glad I was able to witness it.  I was also able to witness my girl score a goal as well.  Now that was something!  Congrats to the team on a well deserved win.

All week I have been trying to get the kids back into a routine.  Both Hannah and Cam were still not feeling well on Monday.  Cam had broken out in hives over the weekend from what I thought was because of the antibiotic he was on for an ear infection he had before coming down with the flu.  Turns out it was actually from the flu virus itself.  They are seeing the younger kids finish with this hive thing.  Hannah just ended up with a really crappy case of the flu and it was just taking her longer to get over it.  Layla was fine on Monday but then the past two nights we've been up with her and her asthma.  She woke up this morning with a 101 fever so we are heading back to the Pediatrician to be sure her O2 level is ok.  It was about this time last year she ended up in the ICU with and O2 level of 82 and I do not want a repeat of that.  So just to be sure we are heading in to have her checked.  In the meantime, I'd like to sleep for an entire week! LOL  I seriously dont remember the last time I have slept for more than 2 or 3 hours a night.

UPDATE:  Thankfully Layla's pulsox is 98 however, she is very wheezy so they are starting her on prednisone.  Joy.  I wish I could get these kids healthy.  I think I am going to have to dust off my Deceptively Delicious cookbook this weekend and start pureeing.  They have been battling me about what they want to eat and I just have to find a way to get these good nutrients into them. 

Onto the weekend...

sick, sick, sick, sick..nook

I knew it was only a matter of time before the flu visited our house.  Despite my desperate attempts to keep the germs out and despite the flu shot, Hannah started with the high fever on Friday evening.  The poor bug got it pretty good.  I have to say it has been quite some time since she has been sick besides having ear infections.  I guess she got that all out of her system when she was a baby!  Layla started Saturday night and then Cam started Monday.  Tuesday, Billy came home with bronchitis.  I am currently ignoring the fact that my own chest is on fire as I am determined to beat these germs.  There is no time for me to get sick so it's herbal teas, lots of veggies, vitamins and honey for me.  Needless to say, I have been waiting hand and foot on the kids, working at night to catch up on the work I've missed and trying to get some sleep which has proved to be a daunting task with the kids not being able to sleep through the night.  Hannah is finally back at school although I still don't think she is 100%.  Layla's fever finally broke, yet she is having asthma issues now and Mr. Cam.. still has that nagging fever.  Today I am airing out the house, bleaching the bugger down and washing every surface with sanitizer.  Germs be gone!  Please?

I did manage to finish my "nook" over the weekend.  I am in love with the way it came out.  It is surely my happy place. 

The completed version looks like this:

The words for the wall came in yesterday,  "Tutta Bella" means Everything is Beautiful in Italian.  I've always loved the way it sounds...

The shutters I bought from Etsy for a steal.  They were black.  I removed the hardware, sanded them down, painted them white and then this pretty color blue.  I love the color!

This idea with the Mason Jars came to me when all I could think about were fireflies in a jar.  So I bought the jars, the moss and 2 sets of LED string lights and voila!  And who doesn't just love Lavender?

The drawer pull I also got off of Etsy.  I wanted something to offset the weathered wood look I created with the originally unfinished desk.

Last is my chair that I bought for $30 at a local country store.  It's exactly what I had pictured and completes the Shabby Country look.

So there you have my Nook.  I was also able to take some pictures of Cam this week prior to him starting with the flu.  He is a trip.  A total handful, but a trip... and might I add, a good sport.  My little partner in crime.



Hopefully I can pick the camera back up over the next couple of weeks as the kids get on the mend and things start to calm down a bit.  Til then....

October, November, December, January

It's been some time.  I haven't quite had much of a chance to sit and write.  Yet, I am glad today I seem to have found a bit of space today.  The days pass in a blur, the months pass in seconds and again I find myself wishing and praying that time would stand still, just for a bit.  The kids are growing like weeds.  Getting older and hitting all their milestones.  I look at Hannah and my heart drops a bit each time.  She looks and acts like a teenager.  As much as it hurts my heart to see her getting so big so quickly, I do love the relationship we have.  I can joke with her on a different level now and she gets my silliness.  It's all together different dialogue with her now.  It is so hard though.. to not be able to hold her and carry her the way I did when she was a little girl.  That part really bothers me.  Holding Miss Layla has even been getting tough lately, but thankfully, I still can.  My tall and skinny string bean.  She has completely flourished into a super silly, super spacey, hysterical little monkey.  The kid has us all belly laughing at least twice a day with her verbiage, jokes and just her pure funniness.    She is just going to be the funniest little bean her whole life I believe.  She is maturing though too.  Learning is starting to stick a bit with her, although she is not like Hannah with that super smart eagerness to learn.  She can hold her own though.  She is surely the one who will laugh her way through life and I am so okay with that.  She is five and still says, "hold you Mommy, hold you."  (sigh of relief)  One of those things I never corrected and never want too.  She's still my super cuddly love bug too.  Many nights I end up falling asleep with her while she's snuggled up in my "nook".   Then there is Mr. Man.  My baby boy.. every day he grows a bit older and wiser.  He figures out new things all the time and is much like Hannah in his eagerness to learn and do things on his own.  He has an obsession with holding the door open for Mommy and anyone else for that matter.  He HAS to be the one to do it or he gets very upset.  My little gentleman.  And then on the flip side, when he gets upset... WATCH OUT! LOL  He wont think twice before he hits, bites and throws something at your head.  He can throw some serious meltdowns but ALWAYS comes to apologize, hug and kiss once he is calm.  I know its a phase and we are trying our best to teach him right from wrong.  It's just another step in the growing up process.  He adores his sisters and wants to do everything they do.  I often look at him and see so much of Hannah in him.  February is the time we have to reserve his spot for Fall preschool and I've already cried twice just thinking about having all three kids in school.  How can my little baby boy be old enough to go to preschool?  I am so not going to handle this well... like.. at all.  And I swear, if there were some way I could have a 4th.. I would.  In a heart beat! 

Billy and I are spending the next several months creatively making the house ours.  Lots of projects we would like to accomplish.  I am currently working on my photography nook.  I'm so excited about it because it will be the one spot in the house that is just mine!  I want all aspects of it to be something I created.  The desk, I bought unfinished and finished it with a rustic weathered look.  I ADORE it!  It's so rustic, country charm and chic.  I have more touches I need to make before I post a final picture... but I'm so loving it.  We really want to make the house feel like ours and I think after almost 9 years of being married, we are finding our taste in decorating.  The other night I was thinking about how we would most likely pass the house down to one of our kids.  I was wondering which one would love to have it the same way I did.  Would they hate our taste in decor as much as we do our parents?  Would they change everything like we are?  Made me chuckle a bit. 

While I am eagerly awaiting the Spring, and warmer weather, I am also learning to just be in the moment.  To enjoy the here and now.  To savor it and cherish it.  To take in every second with my children, husband and family and just breathe... With all the tragedy in this world right now, I certainly am realizing that every day is a gift.  There are no guarantees for tomorrow.  So all I can do is love.  Love as much as I can.  XO

The Fairy Foo Foo turns FIVE

Happy Birthday to my Layla-Grayce Viola!  FIVE!  Oye yoy yoy!!!  I've had that little pit in my stomach all week.  I've been savoring these last few days of you being four.  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it was five years ago today, that I held you in my arms for the first time! 

Having Layla for me was like getting a second chance at experiencing what I should have experienced with my poor Hannah the first time around.  Han was so sick and that first year was a year full of stress and praying that she would survive and be alright.  Layla was my chance to relish in a newborn and know that she was healthy 100%.  I knew it all along, just like I knew she was a girl.  My purple, butterfly girl.  The second I laid eyes on her, I knew that she was something special and that she was going to be alright.  It took Billy a few seconds longer and him examining her entire body 5 times for red markings (hemangiomas) or anything askew.  I remember her having a little red mark on her eyelid and Billy kept questioning it... but I knew.. she'd be just fine.  Those first few hours of me cuddling her in her purple soft Pottery Barn blanket.  Staring at her.  Falling asleep with her in my arms (and getting reprimanded by the nurse).  I went a week over my due date and right there that foreshadowed exactly what the little cherub would be like.  A snuggle bunny.  Curled up in Mommy's arms.  Always.

I think that is what I am most afraid of with turning five.  Hannah just grew up.  I blinked and she grew up.  I can't carry her anymore if she falls asleep in the car.  She's too heavy.  I can't lift her in my arms and twirl her around when we dance on the kitchen floor and she just doesnt need me the way she once did.  She needs me now for different things and that's okay.  But as a Momma, you always want your child to need you for hugs, kisses and cuddles.  Those are the things that make being a Momma so special.  So when I would get down about Hannah growing up so quickly, I still always had Layla and Layla was born the cuddly, kissy baby girl.  And now Layla is five.  Will she still love to cuddle with me?  Beg me to let her sleep in my nook?  (underarm... it's always been her thing)  The child got through her first few years never sleeping in her crib... always in my arms.  I'd cook dinner with her in the Bjorn.  She always had to have a hand on me.  And as all these thoughts were floating through my head all week I also realized that I needed to take a deep breath and realize that as down as I can get about my babies growing older, I am so, so , so very blessed that I have them here in my life.  I am thankful and grateful that God made ME their Momma and that although we have had our share of trials and tribulations with their health, they ARE healthy and they ARE happy and they are so very LOVED!  And as I kissed Layla goodnight last night and wished her a happy last few hours of being four, I knew that everything would be alright.  That I am one lucky girl.  I tiptoed into my bedroom and climbed into my bed exhausted from the day's activities and cupcake making endeavor... and just as I went to close my eyes, I heard the pitter patter of not one set of toes, but TWO come running into my bedroom.  As they climbed into my bed I knew, yes everything's going to be alright.  As long as I am alive, my children will always have my arms to cuddle in. 

So my Miss Purple Fancy Pants, Fairy Foo Foo, Ravioli, Layla-Cakes... Happy 5 years!  You have brought Daddy and I SO much joy.  Aside from your beauty, you have this amazing little personality that usually keeps those around you laughing on their toes.  You are my mini me.. maybe not so much in looks, but certainly in personality.   Your innocent humor is something I will always cherish.  Like the other night when I was telling you to finish your dinner and you replied, "Oh Mama, you say that every night."  I tried to explain further about all the children who have no food and who have no shelter to which you said, "Well Mama, where do they live then?"  I told you that some poor children live on the street and you said, "Like the chipmunks?"  To which Daddy added, "Yeah, like Alvin, Simon and Theodore....  How I love that innocent mind of yours!  You always make me feel so loved especially on those mornings when you wake up and look at me and say, "Oh Mama, you look just like princess Ariel this morning." 

You're like chicken soup for my soul baby girl.  Here's to a year full of true bliss, good health and many, many more wonderful experiences with you!  My nook is yours forever and ever!!!

xo
Mommy

Gretchen's Day

 

www.WeLoveGretchen.net

 

 

How do I even begin?  Where do I start?  I simply just don't think I am going to be able to put into words what this event meant to me, but here goes.  I remember clear as day the night Shannon called me and said we needed to do something.  She had to pay it forward.  Being a two time breast cancer survivor, she knew what Gretchen was going through and she wanted to help.  People had come together to help her and now it was time to do the same.  All she had to do was say the words and I was on board.  The next call was made to Alyson because if there was anyone who could carry out the vision, it was she.  Alyson held a close bond with Gretchen and she took the vision and ran with it.  The beginning talks were about holding a softball tournament to raise funds to help Gretchen pay her hospital bills.  Our utmost intentions to be sure that Gretchen got healthy enough to attend the event and be hero'd as the guest of honor.  A cancer survivor.  God had other plans.  On May 19, 2012, the event became a Memorial Softball Tournament.  With heavy hearts, Alyson, Shannon and I headed up to say our final farewells to a woman whom I will always have an undying respect for.  Even with our heavy hearts, Alyson was in full force and we were making phone calls and arrangements from the car that evening on where to hold the BBQ and so on.  Shannon jumped right on making the most perfect logo for the event.  From there, something really special was born.

Meetings were held and people jumped on ship to help.  People I hadn't seen in a long time and some of them I hadn't seen since I graduated High School.  It didn't matter though because we were all there for one thing and that was to honor Gretchen and do right by her son.  Gretchen made the ultimate sacrifice for her son and we were going to do whatever it took to honor the person she was.  Ideas were flowing, responsibilities were taken and piece by piece, the vision came to life.  Time was of the essence and we didn't have much of it.  Less than three months to pull off something we wanted to be spectacular.  Yet, the team and yes we were a team, banded together.  Calls were made, donations began to come in, teams were formed and raffle prizes started to come together.  Before we knew it, Gretchen's Day was upon us.

Surely it was a tough week leading up to the event.  Stress levels were high, bumps were in the road and yet we forged ahead and kept our grip on what was important, Andrew and honoring Gretchen.  Saturday was upon us. The alarm went off at 5:00 AM and I awoke to down pours.  For the love of God, really?  I never even once thought that rain would be an issue.  Mostly because I was too caught up in everything that needed to get done and because there is no way it would rain on our parade.  It rained.  The decision was made to utilize the rain date and as I sat back that day taking a much needed rest from the events of my week, I realized that it was Gretchen's doing.  Everyone had been running ragged all week.  We needed rest.  A day to catch our breath and get a grip.  A day to regroup and that is just what we did.  She knew what she was doing. She had our backs.

Sunday I awoke to the most beautiful day.  It was a bright, sunny, cool morning.  This was it.  It was going down and we were going to do everything in our power to make sure it was a success.  I went into autopilot.  I had no idea what on earth I was doing but I didn't care.  I was going to do it and it was going to be good.  Phone calls to Alyson and Shannon.  Ice?  Sure I can get ice.  I'm just going to swing by CVS and grab the Sharpies for the balloons.  Before I knew it we were on the field.  Tables were set up and pictures were hung.  If there is ever a picture of what Gretchen will always be to me, it is that high school one.  It makes me laugh and feel good all at the same time.  People started coming in.  Helpers showed up.  Our Team had it going on.  DJ set up.  Signage hung.  You name it, it was getting done.  Everyone was doing whatever they could do get it done. 

Perhaps the most special moment of the day was when I got to meet little Andrew.  You all know I am a baby hog to begin with but for some reason, for me, holding Andrew and meeting him was a piece of closure for me if that makes sense.  I had all intentions of meeting Andrew before Gretchen left us.  We had chatted on Facebook and I was coming up to see her when she was well enough.  Shannon and I were going to go up and take pictures of Gretchen and Andrew and we were going to bring along a bucket of KFC.  (She had giggled about that)  I was going to bring her up Cameron's clothes to use for Andrew.  I never got that opportunity.  I will always have a pit in my stomach because of this.  I am so angry that we didn't get to take those pictures.  I know that there are plenty of pictures of Andrew and Gretchen, but this is what I do.  This is the way I know how to give back.  This was a memory I wanted Gretchen to have and a solid object for Andrew to hold on to when he was old enough to do so.  It didn't happen.  As I approached baby Andrew, Gretchen's family all welcomed me with smiles on their faces.  So welcoming and so thankful for what we were doing.  Chris offered Andrew for me to hold.  I don't even know what to say to him, but I hope he knows how very much this moment meant to me and how honored I was that he let me hold him.  Holding Andrew gave me peace and closure.  I felt like it was Gretchen's way of saying it was okay I didn't get to see her again. 

What I experienced this day was like nothing I have ever experienced before.  An entire community banding together.  Businesses, locals, families and friends all coming together to do good.  To do right.  There were people at the event that did not even know Gretchen, but they would not pass up the opportunity to do right by her out of sheer respect.  People can say whatever they want about Smithfield.  People can say whatever they want about our community but I'll tell you what.  I am so very proud to be a part of Smithfield.  I am honored to be a resident and I am thrilled to be surrounded by good, loving, caring people.  I will always back my small town and I will always be grateful for the people who are a part of this community because they are like no other.  With so much bad in the world, there is also so much good and I intend to relish in that.

The games were a hit and so many people kept coming up to me to tell me how much fun they were having.  The BBQ was perfect and the food was fantastic.  The raffle was a huge success!  Everything went off without a hitch and as we released the white balloons to heaven, I couldn't help but feel Gretchen's presence around us.  I can't help to think that she was beaming at the way everyone had come together, for her, for Andrew.  In fact, I know she was...

Now comes the task in thanking everyone.  I am going to try my very best to not leave out a single soul because it is really important for me that people know how much I appreciate them and what they did.  If I do inadvertently leave someone out, PLEASE add them to the comment section below.  I truly want to cover all the bases so just add them in and I will apologize in advance if I should forget about someone!

Here goes...

Thank you Shannon for having the vision.  Thank you for wanting to give back and realizing how precious life is.  Thank you for all the flyers and logos and signage.  You truly are talented.  Thank you Alyson, for bringing the vision to life.  For taking charge and being so caring.  For giving so much of yourself.  Stacey, thank you for being on your feet for an entire day cooking your fanny off.  Thank you to Beth as well.  I know what a long day that was and I appreciate it.  Thank you Mrs. T. for putting all the raffle prizes together and adding all of your special touches.  Thank you Melissa SCETTA (lol) for working so diligently on getting so many raffle prizes and the getting the water donated.  Thank you to Kevin for being our grill man along with the Sullivans and Sandy.  Thank you Melissa Smith and Henry for all the great ideas and the autographed football.  As you can see, it went to a great home!  Thank you to all the local business, Tony's Pizza Palace for donating pizzas and a gift certificate to the event.  To John Huyler and Swing Juice for coming through and John for all your help in the days leading up to the event.  Erin Zompa, Lisa Delsesto, The Lawrence Agency, Cha Cha Louise, Outdoor Decor.  Thank you Renee Coutu for the beautiful gift basket.  Thank you Duchess Designs.  Thank you to Cara and Nicole for stepping in on the day and getting things done.  Thank you to all of the SHS alumni who donated to this worthy cause.  Thank you Madison, Garret and Olivia.  Thank you to all the players and teams.  Thank you Jenn Aceto Carofel for manning the registration table.  Thank you Chris L'Europa for DJing the entire day and just offering yourself for that day.  Thank you to the Corporate Sponsors and Home Run Derby Sponsors.  Thank you to the parents who just showed up to support their kids doing something good.  Thank you to the wee ones who handled the day like rock stars.  Thank you Jen, Jenny and Ana for looking out for the babies so we could make the event successful.  Thank you to Amy Furia. Thank you Leanne and Dan for being a part of the day even without knowing Gretchen.   Thank you Rome Packing for purchasing the food for the BBQ and thank you Adam for being a support for us during our first meeting.  Thank you KFC for the coleslaw.  Thank you Valerie Thomas Trainer for singing an awesome National Anthem.  Thank you Sandy for being my sidekick!  Thank you Scot Nassa for your donation of water and bars!  Thank you Jay Spinard for being a huge supporter and to the Boston Team who inspires us all to do good in this world.  Thank you to the people who couldnt attend but routed us on in their hearts.  THANK YOU DAY FAMILY, for allowing us to stand by your side and do right in this world.  For being so welcoming, helpful and thankful.  Thank you Chris, for allowing us to be a part of Andrew's life.  You truly are a special family and I can only hope we keep in touch and plan next year, bigger and better!  Lastly, thank you Gretchen, for letting us into your life while you were here on this earth and for watching over us while you now live above.  You have inspired us all to be better people.  I am humbled.  All my love.  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Sail on

Yesterday the world lost yet another little cancer warrior, Bella. Her page came to me on facebook and I quickly learned of her journey.  Unfortunately, she was at the end of the journey as I began to read about her.  Stage 4 Neuroblastoma.  This damn Neuroblastoma.  I hate it.  I don't even know it and I hate it.  I try for a half a second to put myself in these paretns' positions and I cant even get through a millisecond of imagining what it must be like to see your child in so much pain and then to live their days through the emptiness of no longer having that child.  It's happening everywhere.  Every day I read about a new little warrior and it truly ticks me off that we can put a stupid land rover on the moon but we cant find a cure for cancer. If this doesnt get your blood boiling to a point where you want to do something then I dont know what will, but take a look at Isabella's journey...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Asz942m1q8&lc=r_UWpmWb2OFlc8CQQjF7X5mANjWK0siyWmH4ZgsT02c&feature=inbox

It was almost three years ago now when I fell in love with little Layla Grace.  The coincidence of having my own Layla Grayce being a mere month older.  There have been so many more little cancer heroes since then but Layla and Ronan the most adorable little rock star, were the two that I just couldn't peel myself away from.  That I felt something for, even as a complete stranger.  These children should not be dying and their parents shouldn't be forced to live in a world without them.  I can't help but think that helping to raise awareness and finding a cure for childhood cancer, specifically Neuroblastoma, is part of my job in life.  We all are put on this earth with a mission right?  I have a feeling this may be mine.  I always think that some day it may coincide with photography.  Sessions with families affected?  A way to raise money?  Yes, I definitely see something with this in my future.  Until then, I absorb and I smack myself upside the head for all the mistakes I make with my lovies through the course of the day.  Why did I scream at Hannah like that?  Why couldn't I have had more patience and spoken to her and explained to her in a much more appropriate way?  Why do I yell at Layla for whining?  Why do I yell at Cameron for being a little wrecking ball?  They are kids!  They need to be kids!  I need to chill out!  If they weren't the way they were then my life would be mundanely boring and unbearable.   I love them with my every being.  Each of them.  And when the day is done, the one thing I do right is make sure they know that.  I make sure they can feel it.  I make sure they know that Mama loves to the moon and the stars and back again...I make sure that I soak them up and appreciate every little inch of them because I do, truly feel blessed to have three "healthy" kids.

Its been a busy week with work and photography.  A lot of people I promised shoots to are wanting them done! LOL  The more experience I get the better, but I am so totally wiped!  I had a great shoot with teenage kids last week.  It was really neat to have grown kids at a shoot and it was a totally different  and unique experience.  Unfortunately I am unable to post any of the pictures because their mother decided to be childish.  I wont go any further but it is truly sad to see this mother berate the children's father and step mother (my friend) publicly on Facebook where the children could see.   I was actually fuming and had to talk myself out of engaging her because I knew it was classier to take the high road and I obviously wasn't dealing with a rational person anyhow.  Shame on her.  Love photographing this couple however because they love to get into the shoot and make my job 100 times easier.  Plus they are so very photogenic!

It's been a tough few weeks for Mom.  I think it's been said that she is sick, but if not, then there it is in black and white.  I've said it.  Mom is sick.  That's about all I can get out. Baby steps.  Trust me, I want to scream it out on a flipping megaphone, but I have to have respect for my family as well.  I think any of you who know me, or her, probably know and eventually I will be able to lay it all out there, but for now, this is as much as I can do.  She seems to be declining and I am not sure what is going on.  Dad looks like he's got a 250 pound weight on his shoulders.  My go to guy, crumbling around us.  There are some glimmers of happiness in there though.  Mom's dear friend, has been doing so much to help.  She loves to take her for a few hours and loves to do for her.  She's always doing!  And you know what?  When I go to pick Mom up, Mom's happy and D's happy too!  It's like she adores every last second she has with Mom.  It's such a blessing because time with Mom can really do a number on your psyche.  I say this only because Mom's communication skills have diminished quite a bit.  Yet D loves her time with her.  I'll never foget all she's done to help.  I'll never forget what a true friend she's been to Mom, even though I know it must hurt her inside to see her like this.

We did have an awesome Monday though swimming in Ana's pool and catching up with an old friend.  One of my good buddies from college passed away in 1998 at the age of 24.  He left behind a brother who has Cerebal Palsey.  I havent seen him in 14 years and low and behold Ana's mother was one of his TA's.  She started talking about him one night during one of our wine nights and I knew the minute she said his first name, it was him.  She nearly fell off the chair when I stated his last name.  Needless to say I was blown away with how far he has come and how great he looks.  I truly can't believe how hard he must have worked to get where he is today.  Living in his own apartment and holding his own job.  He was even taking steps without his crutches!  God bless him.  I know his big brother is so proud of him!  This was technically the first time Mr. Cam has been in a pool aside from Billy and I holding him in the one in Naples.  I had thrown a floatie shirt on him because I was nervous with him being around the pool.  Needless to say, within minutes the kid had gone running and jumping in and was giggling hysterical over the fact that he was swimming.  I just shake my head.  He is TWO and has not one ounce of fear.  I will say that he was so good though.  All of the lovies were since they love to swim. 

Hoping to have another fun eveing to post about after tomorrow... well hello it's.... THE PATRIOTS OPENING PRE SEASON GAME and let me tell you... I am SOOOO READY for some FOOTBALL!  Very excited to be back in the football world again and see my boys play!